Getting Over It
by quirky cricket
Summary: Phoebe's college career is full of drama: everyone is hooking up and breaking up at breakneck pace while she's pursuing true love. A wedding, a dog, love triangles, melodramatic fights, and Janet promise to keep life interesting. M for language & themes.
1. The Sound of You Walking Away

**I don't own anything, including the songs, the characters, or much else. Also, if your favorite pairing gets split up, don't hate me forever. They may get back together, who knows?**_  
_

* * *

_I cannot turn to see those eyes as apologies may rise.  
I must be strong and stay and unbeliever  
And love the sound of you walking away.  
_

from "Walk Away," by Franz Ferdinand

**September 9, 2002  
4:21 p.m.  
Van Cott Residence Hall  
E Wing second floor lounge**

Two weeks into college and I was only starting to get the hang of it. I was watching TV in the community lounge. The dorm rooms weren't wired for cable, so even if they were big enough to fit a TV, taking advantage of the various channels available on-campus was reserved for lounges and for those in the newer halls. I had been trying to ignore Dorothy Ann and Carlos' escalating discussion and focus on the History Channel, which Arnold and I had been watching. Keesha and Ralphie, as well as Wanda and Tim, had tagged along, but it soon became nearly impossible to watch TV.

"Carlos, how are you supposed to get anything done while you're in that – that _fraternity?_" DA asked, fuming. "You'll be too busy doing keg stands and having toga parties to pass your classes!"

"Chill out, DA," Carlos sighed. "I can still,"

"And how do I know you won't hook up with some sorority bimbo at one of the mixers, huh?" She interrupted, further annoying Carlos, who hated being accused. I really wished I'd left the lounge earlier. This was becoming an all-out brawl. I looked at the entryway, which was being sort-of blocked by Ralphie and Keesha. Arnold was sitting next to me, and he squeezed my hand and looked at me imploringly. I was going to stay, then.

"I don't know; you could join one, maybe?" Carlos yelled.

"Recruitment isn't over yet," Wanda mused. She was rushing Delta Xi, the most non-blonde of the sororities, which says a lot, especially in California. "You can always come with me tomorrow."

"Are you out of your _mind_? DA stared at Wanda.

"No," Wanda retorted. "I'm just trying to tell you that it's not all toga parties and beer and sex."

"But there has to be enough of it, or he wouldn't be rushing!" DA pointed at Ralphie.

"Hey, leave me out of this." Ralphie threw his hands up in the air. "And I'm _not_ just in it for the – what you said before." Keesha giggled, but I tried not to. I was closer to the tension.

"I'm just saying that I'm looking into it more," Carlos sighed. "They have a good philanthropy cause and,"

"YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PHILANTHROPY!" DA bellowed.

"What do you want me to say, that the 'bros' look all 'dope' and shit and I'm 'like totally stoked' to play beer pong?" Carlos rolled his eyes. "Give me some credit, DA."

"You could have told me first." DA pouted.

"You mean 'asked permission,'" Carlos corrected.

"Stop fighting!" Wanda cried. "JESUS! Why don't you come to this beach volleyball thing the sororities are doing tonight, DA?"

"Because I actually care about my education." DA retorted.

"Well then you won't be tempted. Put your swimsuit on." Wanda ordered and stormed toward the hallway, grabbing DA on the way out.

"I'm not a child, Wanda!" DA insisted, dragging her feet.

"Then stop acting like one!" Wanda retorted, continuing her march to the hall. She stopped just before she left the lounge and turned around. "Wanna come?" She asked Keesha and me.

"Do we have a choice?" Keesha asked.

"Are you going to go all psycho bitch on Ralphie?" Wanda inquired, holding DA's writhing arm. DA wasn't about to protest. "What about you, Phoebe? Are you going to go crazy and shoot Arnold in his sleep? I won't stand that shit." I shook my head.

"Are you crazy, Wanda?" I asked. "I wouldn't shoot Arnold!"

"GOOD GIRL." Wanda smiled. "Besides, that's a move I'd expect from an _Italian_," she looked at Ralphie.

"Enough with the racial slurs, Hoo Flung Dung!" Ralphie protested.

"Wanda is being like a militant Dr. Phil," Arnold mused, and did his best Wanda voice impression, "COME WITH ME BEFORE THE RIFTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROW WIDER!"

"Too many big words," Keesha corrected. "Try 'GET OVER HERE NOW OR HE DUMPS YOUR BITCH ASS!'"

"BE GLAD I'M NOT CHARGING YOU FOR THIS SHIT," Wanda called, dragging DA down the hall. "And one hint of psycho out of you, Keesha, and I won't let you stop at going to a cute little luau, you'll have to pledge before I leave your black ass alone. Same with you, Pheebs, only a whiter ass."

"I love Wanda," Ralphie sighed. "Platonically," he added after a second thought.

"Damn straight platonically," Keesha said playfully.

"Come on, let's head out," Carlos said, still irritated.

"Are you going, Arnold?" I asked. He'd mentioned that he was interested, but I couldn't see him actually joining. He'd want to spend time with me, after all.

"Yeah, why not give it a shot?" Arnold shrugged. "Besides, Wanda might make me try it if I don't go on my own." He kissed me on the forehead. "Are you sure it's okay?"

"It's your life!" I laughed. "Of course it's okay."

* * *

**December 10, 2002  
8:41 p.m.  
Van Cott Residence Hall  
E Wing second floor lounge**

"Ramen again?" I asked, looking up at Arnold, who'd entered the lounge.

"No," He replied shortly.

"What's wrong?" I wondered. Things had been different since Arnold had joined the fraternity. He'd been a lot busier, which was to be expected, but then again I never expected him to actually join any of the frats. But DA's shiny pledge pin was evidence that anything was possible. She'd joined the obligatory "cute nerdy girl" sorority on campus, Pi Delta Delta. They had the highest average GPA of any student group on campus, even the honors societies. Keesha and I had learned this by heart, because DA would tell us nearly every chance she got. I could hardly believe I was looking at the same anti-greek DA that I'd roomed with this entire semester, until our RA had come last week explaining that DA and Keesha were going to switch rooms so that DA and Wanda could room together. It was the first I'd ever heard of it, and I felt rather abandoned by DA's newfound love in the greek system. If it kept her and Carlos together – which they had been for five years – then I was willing to sacrifice. Keesha was unpacking her stuff at the moment, so I'd gone out to the lounge to watch some TV.

"Phoebe, we need to talk. It's about us." Arnold turned off the TV. "I just – I don't think our relationship is going anywhere."

"WHAT?" I asked, incredulous. "Arnold, I know it's hard because we're just getting used to college, but I didn't think it was – I mean, I don't think we're not going anywhere!"

"Look," Arnold said sadly. "It's just that I'm thinking that maybe we committed too young. I'm feeling like I need space – and not space that I feel comfortable having if you're waiting for me." I had started crying when Arnold had turned off the TV and it wasn't getting any better.

"Is it the fraternity? Are they making you," I started.

"Absolutely not!" Arnold protested. "It's just that while I'm going out and having fun, I've started to think that maybe I want to keep my options open."

"Then why am I not an option?" I countered.

"You are!" Arnold retorted just as quickly. "And I don't want to rule you out, but it's not fair to string you along, either."

"What if I want to wait?" I asked.

"I don't want you to," he said. "I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you." I replied.

"Please, Pheebs, don't make this any harder for me."

"Why should I make it any easier?" I asked, slightly angry. "What if I want to wait? I know I'm happy with you. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Why is that so wrong?" I could hardly make out the words through my sobbing.

"This is the hardest thing I've ever done," Arnold said, looking me straight in the eye. His eyes were wet. "I really wish this wasn't how I feel, but I have to do this. I'm sorry, I really am."

I couldn't help but think how sorry he could be if he was still breaking up with me as I sobbed into the ugly old couch in the lounge.

"I hope you'll be okay – I don't even ask that you understand, just don't make yourself miserable over me. I'm not worth it." I heard Arnold say, but I couldn't look up at him, because it would make me cry even harder. I heard him leave, and sat there trying to gather my thoughts as much as I needed to in order to leave the lounge. After a minute, my crying slowed down. I went back to my room and opened the door. Keesha looked up from her CD collection and gasped.

"We need to go get ice cream. Now." I said shortly.

"What happened?" Keesha asked, grabbing her purse and mine.

"Arnold just dumped me." I said, my throat tight.

"No way!" She gasped. "What are we still doing here?"

We were almost run over by Wanda on the way in. "You guys – have you seen DA?" Wanda asked, hurriedly. "What happened, Phoebe?"

"Arnold broke up with me." I said flatly.

"That shit!" Wanda said angrily.

"Wanda, don't." I grabbed her arm.

"Oh," Wanda looked crestfallen, like she'd just realized that there was nothing she could do. "Well, I heard that DA and Carlos were at it again, and I had to come check up on her. Hey, speak of the devil!"

"I can't talk. I'm getting ice cream." DA said flatly. Her face was red.

"Oh no." Keesha said slowly.

"You too?" I said. DA's determined march halted.

"Phoebe, you're serious?" DA asked, hugging me sympathetically. "Why?"

"Apparently he needs to keep his options open, so he dumped me." I shrugged, half-heartedly hugging her back. "What about you? What happened?"

"Well I just found out that Carlos lied to me. He told one of his new 'pals,' who's dating my big, and –" DA started crying, much to her annoyance. "And he cheated on me last year." I let go of her and could feel my jaw drop. Carlos, the gorgeous flirty guy who'd actually remained true to his girlfriend had – had cheated? I couldn't believe it. I'd known Carlos for most of my life and it seemed so surreal, but I knew it had to be true if DA had dumped him over it. They loved each other and had been through all kinds of things. Only something big could tear them apart.

"NO WAY!" Wanda cried. "With who?"

DA sobbed. "Janet."

"Holy shit," Keesha sighed.

"Janet?" I exclaimed.

"He and I had just had a really big fight, and – he went to Arnold's and she was there, and they had a beer or some whiskey or something, and she _seduced_ him. He said he was sorry and he didn't want it to hurt me, but why didn't he tell me?" DA was practically blubbering out the words. "If he had just _told_ me…"

"That's it," Wanda said, escaping my grip and running down the hall.

"What is she _doing_?" I asked.

"RALPHIE!" I could hear her yelling.

"Fuck," Keesha bit her lip.

"Are you two okay?" DA asked.

"As far as I know," Keesha replied nervously.

"Have you fought lately?" I asked.

"No," Keesha answered. "I should go after her,"

"Don't," I said. "The worst that could happen is – really worse than waiting it out." I managed.

"Are you sure?" Keesha replied warily. I was about to answer, when Wanda turned the corner.

She was rushing down the hall with no sign of Ralphie. "You're safe, Keesha."

"What the hell did you do that for?" Keesha demanded, flying at Wanda. "You scared me half to death!"

"I just wanted to help!" Wanda tried. "You know I'm retarded about relationships!"

"YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HERNIA!" Keesha yelled.

"I WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE GOT ENOUGH ICE CREAM!" Wanda screamed.

"Let's get out of here." I said softly.

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET'S GET SOME ICE CREAM." DA bellowed.

We grabbed some hoodies and went out to the toaster. Wanda climbed in shotgun without a word.

"Sad thing is," Wanda dug through the CD wallet, "I already have a mix for this."

"No man-hating," Keesha reached up to the wallet. "I made one too – it's better."

"Fine." Wanda let Keesha put in a CD. She didn't even insinuate that Keesha was being racist. Maybe because that didn't work with Keesha as well as it worked with Carlos or Ralphie – or even Arnold. I really didn't want to think about Arnold. I buckled

"Very progressive," DA remarked – Sinead O'Connor was playing.

"What did you expect, the Dixie Chicks?" Keesha smirked. "The _Spice Girls_?"

"The Spice Girls were the shit." Wanda countered.

"Sinead O'Connor is better for the estrogen." Keesha replied. "Turn that shit up."

We drove around Walkerville with the windows of the toaster down (it was about 45 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and we all had jackets on). We listened to the songs on full volume – scaring bikers by singing "You're So Vain" at the top of our lungs. We had enough angst in the van to fill twelve livejournals for a month; we needed the release.

"Aren't you glad I don't have all that emo crap on here?" Keesha asked loudly over "Just a Girl."

"YES." DA nodded fiercely. "The last thing I need now is to hear some guy crying over his girlfriend dumping him."

"Emo boys are kind of cute." Wanda mused.

"You know what would be worse? A romantic comedy." Keesha interrupted.

"Oh God." DA rolled her eyes. "We're at the part where our heroes fight and realize they can't live without each other – I swear I've been in that part for five years."

"I need Alanis Morissette." I added.

"I need Ben and Jerry." DA sighed. "Men suck."

"Yes they do." I replied.

"No innuendo, Wanda." Keesha said sharply.

"No big words!" Wanda cried. "I was going to say that I like it when-"

"WANDA." Keesha interrupted. "STOP."

"Oh, fine." Wanda was quiet.

* * *

**April 19, 2003  
1:02 a.m.  
Van Cott Residence Hall  
Room #237**

I sat at the computer for an hour or two, surfing Facebook and "happening" upon the photo albums containing Arnold. We were supposed to be friends, but he wasn't talking to me. Keesha was out again, studying for her killer economics final. I thought living with Keesha would mean I'd see a lot more of Ralphie, but I was mistaken. Ralphie was busy with the fraternity stuff, as was Arnold, Carlos, and now Tim, who'd pledged to join the fraternity Arnold and Ralphie were in, Kappa Chi Nu. Tim didn't like feeling left behind and not noticed, and he'd certainly found a group of people who liked him in the fraternity. Although Wanda and DA had both invited me to go to "get-togethers" with them, I'd declined. Keesha had more classes than I did, but I was going to pick up some extra credits that summer. I sighed. More classes seemed to be the way to go. I looked at the other window I had open: study abroad opportunities. Maybe that's what I really needed: to get out of here. Maybe then Arnold would miss me or I'd meet some sweet foreign man who'd whisk me away. I didn't care, as long as I got my mind off Arnold. Thinking that made me realize I did care – as long as I ended up with Arnold. I wrote down a note to look into studying abroad. I did a calculation or two and figured I could take an entire semester to go somewhere exciting and hope that the distance would kill whatever remained of me that loved Arnold. I rubbed my temples and shut off my laptop. I grabbed my copy of _Paradise Lost_ – a little too appropriate for my situation – and tried to keep reading.

The sound of the key in the lock jolted me, making me realize I had been sleeping. "Hey, Keesha," I said drowsily.

"_Paradise Lost_, huh?" Keesha smiled. "That's why I'm not majoring in English."

"I don't know how much more of this I can take," I said, rolling over so I was on my back.

"It's only two more weeks 'til the semester's over," She assured me.

"No, I mean the dorms and stuff," I corrected. "Can't we find an apartment or something?"

"I guess we could," Keesha mused. "I don't blame you."

"Don't feel bad for me. I'll get over it." I sounded unconvinced.

"I know," She sounded encouraging. "It could be worse."

"You sound like Ralphie." I laughed a little.

"He's rubbing off on me, I guess." Keesha put some dirty clothes in her hamper. "An apartment would be nice, though. It's better than eating at the cafeteria."

"Hunger strikes are better than the cafeteria." I added.

"Maybe something around a thousand a month – it can't be worse than here." Keesha thought aloud.

"And I can get a dog. A dog that won't run away." I continued.

"Okay, so a place with a fence." Keesha typed into her computer. "Maybe a place in a house?"

"Yeah, but no huge house with a ton of other students." It was too much like a sorority.

* * *

**May 16, 2003  
9:47 p.m.**  
"**The Flat" – Keesha and Phoebe's house  
12 Austin Street  
Walkerville, California**

The housewarming barbecue was in full swing by the time Wanda burst onto the scene, drunk as a skunk.

"WHAT'S UP, BITCHES!" She cried, falling onto Arnold and kissing him on the cheek, as if she was trying to make the get-together any more awkward. Carlos and Dorothy Ann were barely on speaking terms. Ralphie and Keesha were steadily drifting apart, and had hardly acted like a couple for the past month.

"Whatever was there has just – left, I guess." Keesha had told me after Ralphie hardly gave her the time of day when he arrived. I sat on the back steps watching the barbecue until Wanda had tripped over me and fallen onto Arnold.

"Well, hey there!" Arnold laughed.

"You're sexy, did you know that?" Wanda continued.

"I've been told," Arnold replied, looking uneasily at me. I wanted to throw up. I hated Wanda, and because she was one of my best friends, I hated that I hated her.

"Hey, Pheebs, do you have a coffeemaker?" Ralphie asked me.

"Yeah, in the kitchen," I said absent-mindedly staring at Wanda running her hands up and down Arnold's more-built-than-you'd-expect-for-a-preppy-Jew chest. "Actually, I'll make it." I got up and ran into Ralphie, who was already in the kitchen.

"Is Keesha mad at me or something?" He asked as I reached for a filter.

"No," I replied. I hesitated to dabble in relationship drama, which was the last thing I needed.

"She hasn't said anything to you?" He continued. He sounded worried.

"Not really," I answered.

"Are _you_ mad at me? You guys hardly talk to us any more." He tried to forcibly look me in the eye, but I dodged for some coffee grounds.

"There's hardly any time where I'm not interrupting anything." I answered, struggling with the lid to the grounds.

"It isn't how we thought it would be, is it?" Ralphie took the can from me and opened it.

"Thanks." I said, feeling stupidly helpless. I half-smiled at him, then quickly went back to making coffee. "I think I can handle it from here."

"I know," Ralphie said. "I just wanted to make sure everything's okay."

"OF COURSE EVERYTHING IS OKAY! I AM NOT GOING CRAZY!" I slammed down the can of grounds without its lid on. The entire kitchen was now covered in brown, fragrant coffee grounds. "Dammit." I said under my breath, squeezed my eyes shut, grabbed a rag, and slunk to the ground in one graceful, pathetic move.

"Do you have everything under control here?" Carlos asked before reaching the doorway. "Wow, Phoebe fought the coffee…" No one was laughing. "I'll go now." I "forgot" to ask if Wanda was okay.

Ralphie had managed to find a broom and was sweeping faster than I could gather grounds with the rag. _Stupid Phoebe_, I thought. _Since when have I been so negative? Since when have I hated Wanda? _I tried to go over how I felt about all this. _First of all, I hate that Wanda is putting the moves on Arnold. Secondly, I hate that Arnold is letting her. Thirdly, I hope they don't have sex in my house. Okay, I also feel stupid about spilling the coffee. I really hope they don't have sex on my bed. In fact, I really hope they don't have sex. If they do, I hope Arnold gets herpes. I'd hope Wanda would get herpes, but that would mean Arnold had them, and I don't want to think about him GIVING them to WANDA because he'd have to GET them from somewhere and that means he's been having sex with all those sluts…_

Okay, I had crossed the line into evil now. I threw the rag in the laundry room and ventured back outside. I found Keesha at the opposite side of the yard from Ralphie, as expected.

"Hey, Keesh, I think I'm going to lay down for a while. I don't feel so well." I said. "And Ralphie's worried about you – you should probably talk to him or something."

"Thanks, hon," Keesha hugged me. "I'm sorry about Wanda showing up loaded – next time will be different."

"Uh-huh," I acquiesced. "I'm going to bed."

* * *

Don't worry, it gets worse for our dear Phoebe. **Reviews make you my hero.  
**


	2. I Will Never be Ignored

**Some adult situations follow, so be warned... **

* * *

_I will burn for you, feel pain for you,  
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart  
and tear it apart_

from "#1 Crush," by Garbage**  
**

**June 7, 2003  
2:30 a.m.  
Kappa Chi Nu house  
Walker State University**

I couldn't believe I was in a frat house, of all places. Me, Phoebe Christine Danielle Terese, in a _fraternity house_. I had come over with Arnold, of course. We'd slipped away from a barbecue that I'd "happened to show up to" after I found out he was definitely there. It had been okay, but thankfully we were dashing up the stairs, past all the beer cans and whatever else made up frat boy mess. I threw myself into Arnold's arms once we''d reached the upper level. I kissed him hard. Usually I wasn't this insistent, but usually it hadn't been a while. I felt his mouth open and he returned the deep, passionate kiss. He fumbled for a doorknob with his right hand – we're both left-handed, so that made it awkward.

"No," Arnold said quickly, pulling away. My heart fell as Arnold moved a little further down the hall, but I regained some hope as I felt him grab my arm. He pulled me into him and opened another door. "That was Tim's room." Although the house was closed for summer, Arnold had found his key and "broke in." He was supposed to water the plants or something anyway. I didn't care about the details.

I ran back into his arms and started kissing him again. We stumbled through the doorway to his room. The instant the door shut, clothes went flying. Arnold and I had both had a few drinks, but I was as lucid as ever. I was incredibly aware of what was going on – I was in heaven. The feeling of his lips on my neck, his bare chest on mine, everything was so overwhelming, so familiar yet new.

We were both buzzed and I knew that was part of the reason I felt like I was bobbing in the ocean. I couldn't keep my hands off Arnold. We were both down to our underwear in a matter of minutes. I could see his pale freckled back in the low light from the streetlights below as he reached for a condom. He still kept them in the top drawer of his nightstand, and I smiled at the familiarity of the situation

"No, I'm on the pill," I urged, grabbing the waistband of his boxer-briefs.

"Just to be safe," Arnold smiled charmingly, pulling off his underwear. I couldn't say no to that face - or to his nudity - especially after we started kissing again. I forgot how divine naked make-outs with Arnold were. I wrapped my legs around his butt and stopped trying to remember the last time I felt so happy.

* * *

The next morning, I awoke to my cell phone alarm. The house was empty; I could tell by the silence that was so deeply eerie. The boys had all moved out for summer, I recalled, and Arnold had to go to lunch with his mom. I squinted at the alarm clock, only to find it was past noon. I leaped out of bed, put my clothes back on, and debated taking one of Arnold's shirts. I looked down at my own shirt. Remarkably, I hadn't spilled anything on it that would merit my borrowing a shirt, and since we weren't dating anymore, I wouldn't be able to just take one without seeming weird. _Screw it_, I thought as I grabbed a Walker State t-shirt. I'd chalk it up to habit. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, stopping in the bathroom to make sure I didn't look like a total Walk of Shame, but I wasn't at all ashamed. I realized again that I was in a frat house, and that Arnold seemed oddly happy. I never thought it would work for him, but it did, and I finally felt like I could accept that. It helped that we'd been "together" in the house, and his buddies seemed really nice. Besides, could a fraternity be that bad if Tim and Ralphie were also in it? I wondered if they'd tell me anything about what was happening with Arnold. I knew Ralphie would have if I would have updated him about Keesha, but this arrangement would only have worked if he cared more than he did. They'd stopped drifting and officially ended it last week, and their relations were cold, but civil, unlike Carlos and Dorothy Ann, who nearly denied they'd even dated. Well, Carlos was worse about it than DA, but that's probably because I was hearing her side of the story when I heard anything. I was glad Keesha and I had stayed out of the greek system together. It would be hard to go alone. No wonder Tim had pledged spring semester. 

I got out of the house and squinted in the sun. My head pounded. I'd probably had a few more drinks than I could remember clearly, but I didn't care. I found the toaster parked at the Union, where I'd left it, and drove home. I parked in the driveway and went into the house, feeling an extra bounce in my step.

"Where have _you _been, little missy?" Keesha asked playfully. She was at the table, eating a tuna sandwich. "Oh my word, you have the sex hair. Who's the guy?" She was enchanted with the idea of me having a sex life.

"Oh, no one new," I sighed happily, taking my laundry to my bedroom.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Keesha barreled down the hall like a bat out of hell. "With _Arnold_?"

"And it was amazing." I finished, hardly noticing that she didn't seem as pleased as I.

"Phoebe, that's a very bad idea. He's your ex!" She seemed alarmed.

"This isn't just any guy," I reasoned. "It's Arnold we're talking about here."

"He may have a soft spot for you, but that was probably just a booty call, dear," she said, trying to convince me.

"He didn't call me!" I corrected. "We ran into each other."

"Right." Keesha rolled her eyes. "It's still random sex for fuck's sake. Pun intended."

"If it was, why didn't he have sex with someone who's easier?"

"You mean like Wanda," Keesha said firmly. "You need to drop that; she was drunk and it was at a party - and,"

"I don't care!" I cried. "She still knows I'm not over him and she… she tried to get in his pants right there in front of me."

"Phoebe, you need to let it go." Keesha said.

"And I heard that she's on the prowl for him!" I insisted. "There has to be some truth to it, I think Janet was talking about it to her friends."

"They're rumors, they don't have to be true at all," Keesha sighed. "The chances of Arnold getting back together with you out of nowhere are slim to none. I hate to break it to you, but he's moved on."

"We'll see!" I snapped. I was relying upon sex to bring him back, which sounded a lot worse than it actually was. But if we had something great together, why let it go? And why was no one giving my plan a chance to work?

"I'm not going to fight with you over this," Keesha said more quietly. "I'm just saying that it's probably not a good idea for you – emotionally. As long as you don't become a total wreck, you'll be okay."

"I'll be fine." I said, still irritated. I had been digging through my purse and come to Arnold's shirt. If Keesha saw it, she'd kill me and think I'd lost my mind. It was time for a subject change. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just fine," she said lightly. "I was talking with DA and apparently she's got a new boyfriend."

"Good for her," I said, making sure not to be too enthusiastic.

"He's a really nice guy and all; I think you'd like him." Keesha continued. She had a scheming glint in her eye, which I chose to ignore.

"That's good – I mean, it's more important that she likes him, but whatever." Keesha was looking around like she did when she was trying to get people interested in what she was saying. I seized the opportunity and stuffed Arnold's shirt behind my pillow before Keesha could see it.

"Don't you want to know who it is?" Keesha asked, as though I missed a huge point.

"It doesn't really matter," I said.

"It's Tim!" Keesha grinned. "I totally set them up."

"Good?" I was confused. "You're a matchmaker now?"

"Well, I have a 100 percent success rate." Keesha smirked a little. "I'm one for one."

"Please don't tell me I'm next." I pleaded.

"Just because you don't want to hear anyone else tell you that there's someone besides Arnold out there," Keesha started.

"NO," I corrected firmly. "I just think you haven't given us a chance." Keesha sighed. She was changing the subject.

"So DA and Tim are going to come hang out with me tonight – we're going bowling. Wanna come?" Keesha asked. "You have two choices: yes or you're on your deathbead. You look healthy, so…"

"You know I suck at bowling." I complained.

* * *

Of course, I didn't have much of a say in the matter, and Keesha and I went to the bowling alley, where we met DA and Tim. It didn't hit me that they were together until I saw them holding hands. It was weird. They were smiling and happy, and strangely so. 

"What?" I asked. When Keesha had explained to me that she'd set them up, I'd been too focused on my own troubles. "When did this happen?"

"Last week," DA beamed.

"It was Keesha's idea." Tim added. "She just asked me why not pursue DA, so I asked her out, and-"

"And I figured why not? And ever since we went on the date, we've realized how right it is." DA continued.

"Wow, that's cute." I said, unconvinced.

"So cute it's disgusting," Keesha smiled widely. "I know, right?"

"Right." I swallowed uneasily.

"I mean, I would've totally hooked Tim up with YOU," Keesha continued.

"Why? I mean, why does everyone assume Tim and I would be perfect for each other?" I demanded.

"Chill out, Phoebe," Tim sighed. "I don't want to date you either!"

"Besides, wouldn't she be cute with, um…" DA started thinking.

"Don't take my job away." Keesha retorted. "I'm the matchmaker now."

"Arnold." I muttered.

"No," DA replied loudly. "We did that already, remember?"

"Let's bowl, shall we?" Keesha interrupted.

"Are you sure you don't want to call," DA finished her sentence in Keesha's ear.

"Oh for crying out loud." I sighed. "Let's get our shoes, Tim."

Keesha squealed a little. "I don't know about that, but we could…" She whispered to DA, who laughed.

"Some of us aren't in kindergarten, Keesha!" I called across the alley. I instantly regretted drawing attention to myself. I was being checked out by bikers reeking of beer. I tried to avoid their gaze as I grabbed some huge bowling shoes. Tim wasn't sitting near me, so I didn't get the boyfriend force field. As much as I wasn't really that interested in Tim, I could have really benefited from him being near me to deter the stares of nasty guys that hang out in bowling alleys. I slipped off my sneakers and pulled on the bowling shoes, nearly breaking one's shoelace.

"Hey there, cutie." A rough voice said. I swallowed hard.

"Um, hi." I looked up – it was just as I suspected. A man with a beer-colored mullet that stank of body odor and bowling alley was leering at me.

"Would you like a beer?" He asked. Oh, disgusting. I looked over at my friends, who hadn't noticed me.

"I'm uh – actually here with my friends," I managed.

"So'm I." He looked over his shoulder to a couple more toothless men, who waved and winked at me. My eyes darted around frantically.

"And, um, I don't know you, so…"

"That's why I offered the beer." He grinned at me. "You're really cute, you know that?"

"She actually doesn't, but she won't believe you anyway." A familiar voice came from behind me. Before I could turn, I felt an arm around me and I looked to the side.

"Who the hell are you?" The man asked.

"I'm her good friend." Carlos replied. "How's it going?"

"Uh…" I said softly.

"You know, it would be awfully nice if you'd leave my shy friend here alone." Carlos smiled. "She's not so good at social situations."

"Fine, then. But you can still take me up on my offer if you change your mind." The man said. Carlos steered me toward a lane.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, incredulous. "Did DA invite you? Are you two speaking?"

"Well we aren't bosom buddies," Carlos smiled crookedly, "but we don't hate each other either. Yeah, DA invited me. So what do you think about her and Tim?"

"Are you asking me to gossip?" I asked, widening my eyes.

"Oh stop being such a Cathaholic." Carlos sighed.

"I'm not! I'm just surprised that a manly man like you would want to stoop to womanly gossiping!" I teased. Something about Carlos put me in my comfort zone again, and I liked it and hated it simultaneously. I had liked to think that only Arnold could save me from certain danger, but apparently I was wrong.

Bowling with only some of the elite eight was kind of weird. Watching Tim and DA as a couple was not as weird as it was jealousy-inducing. Keesha eyed me, watching my reactions. While Carlos was bowling, I leaned over to Keesha.

"You didn't invite him for me, did you?" I asked in a rushed whisper.

"NO!" Keesha said. "Why, did it work?"

"How could it work if nothing happened?" I asked.

"I'd still take credit for that happy accident." She raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing worked! I'm not going out with Carlos!" I argued. Carlos had finished his turn and sat next to DA as Tim went up to bowl. They were talking amicably. "Besides, he and I would never work."

"I don't know, he's adventurous," Keesha tried. "But whatever. It's your life."

"You don't want to admit failure." I said.

"I didn't call him. DA did." Keesha opened her cell phone. "See?"

"Fine, I'll believe you." I said warily.

* * *

I actually had fun bowling with Carlos, Keesha, Tim, and DA. It was weird that she was dating someone who wasn't Carlos, but they did seem so happy together. And to make matters worse, I'd practically convinced myself I had a crush on Carlos. The aftermath of hanging out and having fun with my friends left me feeling lonely. I looked down at my cell phone. After a moment, I figured "what the hell." 

"Hello, Carlos? It's Phoebe." I couldn't believe what was going on. "I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie or something."

Carlos came over and we watched _Pulp Fiction._ I had convinced myself that he saved me, that I liked him, that Keesha had set us up, and that we were going to work. I'd edged closer to Carlos the entire time, even resting my head on his shoulder at one point. I was gathering up the courage to be bold. Keesha MUST have called Carlos. Maybe I'd be happy after all. After all, it was her idea, and her ideas weren't that bad. The movie was over and Carlos turned the TV off, leaving us in total darkness. I felt my heart pound. It was time to make my move. I remembered Keesha, DA, and Tim all saying "why not?" earlier that evening, and something in me agreed. I closed my eyes, leaned in and kissed him right on the lips, which were softer than I expected. His tongue parted my lips and I opened my mouth just a bit. My right hand reached for his hair –

I froze. His hair wasn't curly. I pulled back, expecting to see a familiar figure with glasses, but I didn't. I had just kissed Carlos. Suddenly, I wanted to puke.

"Sorry." I said quickly.

"I'd, uh, better go now." Carlos stammered.

"Yeah," I added, following him to the door. The instant he left I ran upstairs and flung myself on the bed. Carlos Ramon, the legendary womanizer, the man I'd heard DA praise to the heavens a million times – had ceased to amaze me. I had only been able to kiss him by thinking of Arnold. If Arnold wouldn't have me, there was no hope. I began to cry quietly.

* * *

**June 8, 2003  
10:08 a.m.**  
"**The Flat" – Keesha and Phoebe's house  
12 Austin Street  
Walkerville, California**

I stumbled into the kitchen half-awake, as was the newly forming habit for Sunday mornings. Keesha, a devout morning person, was already up.

"So, did you have fun with _Car-los_?" Keesha asked, pryingly. She was rinsing off her breakfast dishes.

"Nice try, but I'll keep it off your otherwise spotless record." I smiled.

"Why's that? You want all the credit?" Keesha pressed.

"It's just – awkward." I said sadly. "I'm nowhere near over Arnold enough to date anyone else. I can't think about anything else."

"Damn," Keesha thought aloud. "I thought that Carlos – who, without a doubt, is the best-looking of the guys – would be able to at least distract you."

"Nope," I replied.

"We need to take more drastic measures." Keesha continued. "You can't ever do that again."

"What?"

"Hook up with Arnold." She put down the dishtowel she'd dried off a bowl with.

"Why not?" I tried not to sound too pushy.

"Phoebe," Keesha sighed, sitting down. "It's because of how you are. You're really emotional. You'll get really attached. You could get all psycho and stalk him."

"Me? A stalker?" I asked, incredulous. "I thought you were a realist!"

"But what happens when Arnold dates someone else?" Keesha asked. "I saw how you were when Wanda was hanging all over him."

"That's different – Arnold and Wanda have so much sexual tension between them you could cut it with a knife! Besides, he deserves better than some drunken tramp, no matter who that tramp is!"

"THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!" Keesha cried. "You'll drive yourself batty." I winced. Carlos' influence had remained long after he'd left. "Okay, that was bad, and I'm sorry, but the point remains the same."

"I'm not going to go crazy." I insisted. "Why does everyone think I'm going crazy?"

"Oh Lord, you sound like Hamlet." Keesha heaved a sigh and went upstairs. "I've got some more studying to do today."

"What are you studying for?" I asked.

"You wouldn't believe macroeconomics." Keesha retorted. "Even the word makes my brain hurt." She disappeared into her room.

"I think you have a secret lover." I called after her. The door opened and Keesha's head of curly hair popped out.

"Say that again?" She asked flatly.

"Now wouldn't that be interesting if your study sessions weren't at all related to economics and statistics, but to the Kama Sutra and Anatomy…" I kept my tone innocent yet seditious.

"Stop right there." Keesha demanded.

"And imagine the delicious irony when your study group is suddenly just one lone person, one Ralph Tennelli…" I dodged the high heel that Keesha tossed at my forehead. "Very strong denial – that says a lot."

"RALPHIE AND I AREN'T HAVING SEX." Keesha shouted. "And since when are you more evil than Wanda?"

"Since you started lecturing me about my personal life and taking long study sessions." I retorted.

"I lectured – you're tormenting me." Keesha insisted. "It's different. Seriously, I have to study. And for your information, I've never had a random hook-up with Ralphie."

"Go study," I said, not wanting to add that I had a hard time believing her about Ralphie. Either their relationship sucked or she was lying, and I thought they'd been so good for each other. Oh well, it wasn't the first time I'd been wrong about relationships. My phone beeped and I looked down at it.

From: CARLOS  
Sorry about last night, forget it ever happened.

I wrote back:

Don't worry about it.

I sighed quietly. Now I was alone and forgettable. Great.

* * *

**Please review! I care about what you have to say, even if it's "I don't like it" as long as you're reasonable about it. Thanks!**


	3. Kindness Falls Like Rain

_"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says,  
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing._

from "Anna Begins," by Counting Crows

**August 7, 2003  
Walkerville International Airport  
Walkerville, California**

Dear Keesha (et al),

Well, I'm finally on the plane going to Quebec City, where I'll be for the next year. I know I'll miss you guys, but I'm pretty excited. I'm glad I'm not going too far, that way my parents can visit me for Christmas, and maybe even my friends will come say hello (hint, hint). I'll be doing mostly French work here, but I'm advanced enough to take some civilization and art classes. I'm hoping I can get some credits for my major out here as well.

(Most of that information is for those of you who don't know what I'm up to these days.)

Anyway, I should have internet access but I always liked getting regular letters through the mail from time to time, so I'll keep writing that way. Let me know what happens while I'm gone, okay? I miss you tons – you're the greatest and I know I can't even dream of meeting anyone like you guys while I'm there.

Love,

Phoebe

* * *

**August 20, 2003  
Walkerville, California**

Dear Phoebe/Pheebs/Pheebolino/Phoe-bean/whore-face (guess who came up with the last one? YEAH, IT WAS ME, WANDA!),

Well you'll never guess who's taking over your part of the lease for the time you're gone – Wanda's moved in and already I think the roaches are following her. I tried to talk DA into it, I really did, but she likes "the house" too much. I guilt her into coming over sometimes. The nice thing about you being gone is that we all get together more often. I guess it's just easier to ignore "the elite eight" (or the "excellent eight" if you ask Carlos, Tim suggested the "effervescent eight," but I didn't like being compared to Alka-Seltzer) when there are all eight of us here.

Anyway, almost everyone is busy getting ready for the new school year – they're all planning out ways to take over the world by getting new pledges. That's pretty much it, besides all the normal stuff.

Love,

Keesha, Arnold, Wanda, Dorothy Ann, Tim, Ralphie, and Carlos

PS: Wanda was drunk when she helped me with the letter. –K

* * *

**September 11, 2003  
Walkerville, California**

Dear Phoebe,

Hey! How are you doing? I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I know that Keesha sent out that letter from all of us, but we haven't really heard from you. I hope it's because you're having a way good time, not because you're sick or anything. Anyway, Tim and I are going to go to Homecoming together in a little bit, and to tell you the truth, I wish you and Keesha were greek so you could come too. I don't want you to join for the wrong reasons or anything, but I do miss you gals. So maybe next year we could get a whole group together or something. That would be awesome.

Classes are going well, I changed my major to International Relations and Political Science. I'm definitely going to law school after this. I've even talked to Tim about it and he thinks it's a great idea. He has a lot of studios now, but I go visit him a lot. You wouldn't believe how great of a study place an art studio is! It's still a little weird for me to see Carlos, but he's so busy with other girls that he hardly even notices me. It's a new girl every week! No one believes he dated anyone for five straight years.

Everyone else is doing great, except Wanda. She's decided she doesn't want to live in the house any more (although there's a rumor about her getting kicked out), so she wouldn't move back when you came back. Don't worry, I'm sure she'd find somewhere that isn't your room.

By the way, you may want to have your old room professionally cleaned before you move back in. Just a thought.

Write back soon! I can't wait to hear from you!

Dorothy Ann**  
**

* * *

**September 25, 2003  
Ville de Québec, Canada**

Dear everyone,

Sorry it's been so long since I've written! I've been using the weekends to get out and explore the area and go on excursions with my school. We saw Montréal and everything. I love my classes, but sometimes I just want to go home (to the United States, Carlos, not to Canada). My civ class is pretty neat though; we're talking about francophone cultures throughout the world (that's French-speaking, in case Wanda asks).

Wanda – don't make me have to fumigate my room before I come back. I know you live on the wilder side of life, but keep it sort of within reason, okay? I hope you're doing okay in classes and everything. Try not to party too hard.

D.A. – thanks for your note! I'm glad stuff is going well for you. Where are you planning on going to law school? Are you so excited to take the Bar? I know you love standardized tests.

Tim – How are the studios coming? What are you going to do after you graduate? It's kind of exciting that you and D.A. are talking so far in the future… I'm happy for you two!

Ralphie – Hockey season starts soon. I know you want to come visit…

Carlos – listen to Keesha; she gives good advice, especially for your love life. I don't want you to get the clap or something. I hope you're doing well!

Arnold – I hope things are going really well. We got to see some really neat rock formations and I thought of you. I enclosed some pictures. I hope you like them.

Keesha – make sure Wanda doesn't do anything that requires an exorcist before I come home. Fumigation is okay, if you can't avoid it, but I draw the line at demons.

Anyway, I hope all of you guys are well and I miss you in the gorgeous autumn in Québec!

Love,

Phoebe

* * *

**October 30, 2003  
Walkerville, CA**Dear Phoebe, 

Thanks for your letter! It took a while to get everyone back together with fall break and everything and even now Wanda wants to get the hell out of here to go to a Halloween party.

Hey Phoebe, don't worry about getting the house – whatever you said, it was big. I don't remember, but I'm not throwing huge parties or having orgies in your room. I try to have the kinkier sex over at the guy's place, but I'm not perfect. Sorry. – Wanda

Thanks for the pictures, they were really cool. I'm doing pretty well, I went to Vegas with Carlos and Leila, his sort-of girlfriend, for fall break. It was awesome. – Arnold

I see how you are, not answering my letter in kind, you jerk! Just kidding, I love you to death and you know it. Anyway, I'm looking at going to the East Coast for law school, maybe to an Ivy League school if I can get in. It would be pretty awesome, don't you think? I still have 2 years though, so we're not making any plans yet. – DA

What she said. – Tim

Just kidding, I haven't really thought a lot about after I graduate, since it's in a couple years, but I've thought about running a gallery or getting a master's and curating an art museum. I'm in a little local band with a couple other guys, so I'm also nursing the old rock star dream. I'm the drummer, which Wanda thinks is hilarious since the drummers she's experienced have been a little… kooky. Hey, I can always teach art, too. New York City does sound fun, though. Anyway, I've written more than everyone else combined. Take care! – Tim

Dammit, Pheebso, Ralphie's probably dragging me to the Maple Leaf State to visit you to see some lame hockey game. I think he loves the men in mullets. Other than that, I'm not getting "the clap" or any of your other cute euphemisms for STDs. I'm smarter than that. – Carlos

OH, AND I DON'T HAVE STDs – Wanda

I'm trying to get Carlos to grow a mullet so he'll fit in amongst the Canadians when we come visit. Tell me it wouldn't be hilarious. Anyway, I don't know if we can make it for sure, but we'll definitely try! – Ralphie

Love,

everyone**  
**

* * *

**December 1, 2003  
Ville de Québec, Canada**

Dear everyone,

Well, my parents are coming up for the holidays soon. We are going to be in St. John's, where my grandparents live, and it's nearly 3,000 km to Montréal, the nearest city with pro hockey. We could meet up or something, though, but I'd need to know so I can get a ticket from St. John's. Montréal is pretty cool though, I think you'd like it.

Not all Canadians have mullets, for crying out loud, although they are more common in hockey players. I'm glad to hear you're all doing well and hope to hear from you before Christmas. Sorry this letter is so short, but I really have to study for exams.

Love,

Phoebe

* * *

**December 25, 2003  
St. John's, Newfoundland & Labrador, Canada/Walkerville, California, USA  
11:35 p.m./7:05 p.m.**

**papillonrouge:** Merry Christmas! How are you?  
**msfranklin:** Merry Christmas – I'm great!  
**msfranklin:** I thought this was a joke of Wanda's or something!  
**papillonrouge:** so what's been going on? The letters you've written have all been so…  
**msfranklin:** so not gossipy? Ha! I know!  
**papillonrouge:** so… what's happening?  
**msfranklin:** um, Tim and DA are probably going to get married  
**papillonrouge:** NO WAY  
**msfranklin:** WAY  
**papillonrouge:** how's Carlos feel about this?  
**msfranklin:** well he had this girlfriend for a while  
**papillonrouge:** the one he went to Vegas with?  
**msfranklin:** yeah… she's a hula dancer and he liked her hips  
**papillonrouge:** that's our Carlos  
**msfranklin:** but they've broken up  
**papillonrouge:** why did they go to Vegas?  
**msfranklin:** um, because it's Vegas.  
**papillonrouge:** sorry, dumb question  
**msfranklin:** so Carlos dated a hula dancer for two weeks before he decided he couldn't handle the commitment (but after he nailed her in Vegas)  
**papillonrouge:** wow  
**msfranklin:** apparently she wasn't as good in bed as he'd hoped with those hips  
**papillonrouge:** so Carlos has discerning tastes now?  
**msfranklin:** yeah, as opposed to Wanda who just wants some  
**msfranklin:** hang on, I'm going to see if she'll get online  
**papillonrouge:** awesome! I'd love to talk to everyone!

_foxywanda69__has joined the conversation_

**foxywanda69:** what's up bitches?  
**papillonrouge:** hi Wanda, merry Christmas!  
**foxywanda69:** thanks, you too. How's Canadia?  
**msfranklin:** Phoebe wants to know what kinds of stuff you've been doing to her room  
**foxywanda69:** NOTHING  
**papillonrouge:** have you copulated in it?  
**foxywanda69:** no, do you think I'm some kind of sicko?  
**msfranklin:** don't lie, Wanda, I've heard you  
**foxywanda69:** heard me what?  
**foxywanda69:** OOOH YOU HEARD ME SCREWING THAT GUY  
**msfranklin:** see, Pheebs, she likes you so much she won't even swear for you!  
**papillonrouge:** I sure appreciate that… not that I've never heard Wanda talk before  
**foxywanda69:** well you're at your grandparents house and I didn't want them to see FUCKING really big on the screen and think your friends were bad  
**msfranklin:** good work, Wanda.  
**foxywanda69:** SHIT I SAID IT DIDN'T I

_itsjustralphie has joined the conversation_

**foxywanda69:** don't swear at Phoebe, Ralphie  
**itsjustralphie: **I wasn't going to  
**papillonrouge:** I CAN HANDLE SWEARING  
**msfranklin:** shh, it's funnier if you can't

_smartblondie910 has joined the conversation_

**smartblondie910:** it's a party in here!  
**itsjustralphie: **yep  
**foxywanda69:** I know cuz I'm here!  
**msfranklin: **you so wish  
**smartblondie910: **how's Canada, Phoebe?  
**papillonrouge:** it's great! It's cold…  
**itsjustralphie:** so it's Canada  
**papillonrouge:** basically

_Timinator2000 has joined the conversation_

**foxywanda69:** THE TIMINATOR!  
**Timinator2000:** you rang?  
**foxywanda69: **rofl I love your new name  
**papillonrouge: **what new name?  
**itsjustralphie: **I don't see it  
**Timinator2000:** I don't have a new name

_arnrocks has joined the conversation._

**arnrocks: **hey everybody!  
**foxywanda69:** do you like Tim's new name?  
**Timinator2000:** I don't have a new name  
**msfranklin: **it isn't new  
**arnrocks: **what?  
**arnrocks: **it looks the same to me…  
**foxywanda69: **I get it, you guys are ganging up on me  
**papillonrouge: **we aren't

_donjuancarlos has joined the conversation_

**foxywanda69:** Carlos! Isn't Tim's name funny?  
**donjuancarlos: **um, I guess  
**Timinator2000: **I've had this screen name since I was 10  
**smartblondie910:** he's right.  
**foxywanda69: **so I'm the only one who didn't get it?  
**papillonrouge: **yes  
**donjuancarlos:** pretty much  
**msfranklin:** yep  
**smartblondie910:** yes  
**itsjustralphie: **you got it  
**arnrocks:** this is a surprise?  
**Timinator2000:** SEE?  
**papillonrouge: **anyway, I have to go to bed soon but I thought I'd say merry Christmas to everyone (even you, Arnold – I hope you had a happy Hanukkah) and let you know I'm doing fine  
**arnrocks:** thanks

A new window popped up.

**msfranklin: **the thing about getting everyone here is that no one will tell you anything now.  
**papillonrouge: **it's okay, that's what you're for.  
**msfranklin:** I'm not going to tell you anything that could make you psycho about Arnold, okay?  
**papillonrouge: **I never said you had to!  
**msfranklin: **besides, he's having fun playing the field. He and Wanda went to winter formal together.

I couldn't help it as I double-clicked Wanda's name.

**papillonrouge: **so you went to the formal with Arnold? Did you have fun?  
**foxywanda69: **yeah! It was just as friends, though, so we aren't together or anything  
**papillonrouge:** I know you liked him forever and everything, but you two together are weird  
**foxywanda69:** I tend to scare weaker men off  
**papillonrouge:** Arnold isn't weak!  
**foxywanda69: **he's the kind of guy I scare off though – they're intimidated by my presence

I felt much better, and continued my conversation with Keesha.

**papillonrouge:** Wanda used a big word!  
**msfranklin: **haha where?  
**papillonrouge:** I'm talking to her in another window. She says she and Arnold went as friends  
**msfranklin:** oh did she?  
**papillonrouge: **what's that supposed to mean?

Meanwhile, I tried to strike up some kind of conversation with Arnold.

**papillonrouge: **there's a place nearby called Arnold's Cove – it's really pretty  
**arnrocks: **that's awesome  
**papillonrouge: **I haven't been though

Damn, nothing left to say to Arnold. Another window popped up. I let it flash for a few seconds before switching to it.

**foxywanda69:** are we all here then?  
**msfranklin:** yeah  
**papillonrouge:** sure? What's this about?  
**msfranklin: **Wanda being "friends" with Arnold  
**foxywanda69:** I didn't do anything!  
**papillonrouge: **you aren't dating Arnold, are you, Wanda? If you are, that's fine…  
**msfranklin:** LOL Wanda? Dating anyone?  
**foxywanda69: **I don't like to be tied down… that way  
**papillonrouge:** well you said you were going as friends with him… I don't understand  
**msfranklin: **Phoebe, do "friends" have sex?

I was so glad I wasn't holding anything or drinking anything – it would have ended badly. I froze. I hadn't read what I just read. I closed my eyes, counted to five, and opened them.

**msfranklin: **see, Wanda, this is what I was talking about when I told you that Phoebe doesn't think like you do.  
**foxywanda69:** what am I supposed to do, tell Phoebe every time I have sex with a guy?  
**papillonrouge: **I do have a life, Wanda…  
**foxywanda69:** okay, Arnold and I may have fooled around a little  
**msfranklin: **doesn't explain the squeaky bed  
**foxywanda69:** and we may have had sex once  
**msfranklin: **doesn't explain the three condom wrappers  
**foxywanda69: **or a few times, it all blurs together  
**msfranklin:** especially if all you hear all night is "OH GOD ARNOLD YES"  
**foxywanda69: **stop it, Keesh, you're making me miss it!  
**msfranklin: **and it also makes it more fun if Wanda gives you a play-by-play in the morning  
**foxywanda69:** you're a good friend to be so happy for me…

I looked back at the main window, where everyone was chatting benignly.

**donjuancarlos: **so a Jew walks into a bar…  
**Timinator2000:** you're missing the Mexican and the black guy.  
**donjuancarlos: **pssh, everyone knows the Mexican's going to be best off in that joke!  
**foxywanda69:** hey bitches, I gotta run  
**arnrocks: **me too

_foxywanda69 has left the conversation.  
arnrocks has left the conversation._

**msfranklin: **that horny-ass Wanda…  
**papillonrouge: **they're having sex?! NOW?  
**msfranklin:** hey, it's fine… it could be worse.  
**papillonrouge: **HOW?  
**msfranklin: **um… I don't know…  
**papillonrouge:** THEY DID IT ON MY BED, DIDN'T THEY?  
**Timinator2000:** when did we start talking about sex?  
**papillonrouge: **oops, wrong window  
**itsjustralphie:** ouch… on your bed?  
**papillonrouge: **can we not talk about it?  
**smartblondie910: **how do you know for sure it was on Phoebe's bed?  
**msfranklin: **I could hear EVERYTHING  
**smartblondie910:** it could've been on the floor, right?  
**Timinator2000:** Arnold is kind of a weirdo, so I hear  
**smartblondie910: **and Wanda's an animal…  
**msfranklin:** I could hear the springs squeak  
**itsjustralphie:** yikes…  
**donjuancarlos: **well, Pheebs, now you know not to have sex in that room while Keesha's home  
**papillonrouge: **I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, CARLOS  
**msfranklin:** sorry Phoebe  
**itsjustralphie: **we can make them buy you a new bed  
**papillonrouge:** it's not a big deal  
**msfranklin: **I'm definitely getting it professionally cleaned now…

I was horrified and terribly sad, but now I had to make it seem like nothing. I spent the rest of the night trying not to mope and actually laughed a couple times. I was determined not to talk to Wanda or Arnold for the next little while and focused on my studies.

When my plane touched down in Walkerville five months later, I wasn't so sure I wanted to be back.

* * *

**And so concludes Phoebe's Adventures in the Great White North. Sorry it was rushed. Please review. :) Don't worry, things get still worse for our protagonist.**


	4. Something Me in Everything in You

_I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong.  
_

from "If You're Gone," by Matchbox 20

**September 18, 2004  
10:08 a.m.  
Austin Street Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

Keesha was looking at herself in a full-length mirror. "Do you like my hair better up or down with a strapless dress?"

"I don't know – why?" I asked suspiciously.

"I'm going out this weekend," Keesha said, looking off to one side. "I think I'll put it up, as I plan on dancing a lot, and I don't want my hair in my way." She held a large clump of hair in her hand and was testing her options.

"Wait, you're going to _Homecoming_?" I asked incredulously. Only greeks and freshmen went to homecoming, and I didn't want to lose my roommate. "Which super-hot frat boy talked you into that?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Keesha's lips pricked up in a wry smile.

"Ralphie?" I insisted.

"Oh my God, Phoebe, NO! Why are you so convinced that any guy I'm with is Ralphie?" Keesha groaned. "For crying out loud, I shouldn't even ask you hypothetical questions."

"So who is it then?" I asked. I had thought that Ralphie was a good answer; after all, they had broken up two years ago. They were still good friends, but it would be interesting.

"Carlos."

"_CARLOS_?" I nearly choked.

"I told you that you wouldn't believe it." Keesha grinned.

"Oh wow…" I said. "You haven't gone out with Carlos since high school, and that wasn't even a real date."

"Unless you count that time we went bowling and you tried to give him mouth-to-mouth…" Keesha said slyly.

"I WAS CONFUSED." I cried.

"THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL HOW?" Keesha replied. I had nothing to say, so she continued. "We're going as friends. I guess he and Arnold have been talking about getting the group back together."

I hadn't seen everyone since an attempt at a homecoming barbecue when I got back in May. I was still so mad about the whole "sex on my bed" incident that I'd blown everyone off since then. Surprisingly, I felt my entire body perk up at the mention of Arnold. He'd ask me; I knew it. We'd go as friends, as we had been doing for the past year and a half to functions, but we'd end up in some hotel room, like we always did. I sighed with anticipated euphoria that usually was assigned to actual Arnold-sex. He and I had been casually meeting every twice in a while, sometimes "going at it" all night or all afternoon. I'd taken a page out of Keesha's book and gone "studying" a lot more, but I was very careful not to let anyone find out. Nobody knew about it, so nobody could accuse me of going crazy or becoming a stalker.

"Oh yeah?" I said after a moment of daydreaming. "Um, sorry, I have a midterm paper and I'm thinking it out in my head."

"Right." Keesha eyed me suspiciously. "So do you have anything to wear?"

"I'm going?" I asked.

"Are you part of the group?" Keesha replied. "You need a dress, don't you?"

"Probably." I nodded. "So am I just tagging along?"

"You didn't listen to a damn thing I've said, did you?" Keesha rolled her eyes. "Well Tim and DA are going,"

"Of course," I sighed. They were nearly inseparable. My cell phone rang.

"Who's that?" I asked, looking perplexed. The caller ID had an unfamiliar number. "Do you know who this is?" I held my phone up so Keesha could see, but she just shrugged.

"Answer it!" She suggested.

"But I don't know who it is," I protested.

"And how exactly will you find out if you don't answer it?" She answered.

"They leave a message?" I countered.

"JUST ANSWER YOUR PHONE." Keesha ordered. I couldn't argue with that tone, so I flipped my phone open and hit "send."

"Hello?" I asked uneasily. Strangers calling my phone really made me nervous.

"Hi, is this Phoebe?" A similarly uneasy voice asked. Keesha smiled. "It's Ralphie."

"Oh, hi!" I smiled. "How are you doing?" I wrote "you're a bitch" on a piece of paper and held it up for Keesha to see. She laughed and nodded.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm just… fine." I replied. I hated awkward conversations.

"Just so you know, Keesha gave me your number. I'm not stalking you or anything." Ralphie explained quickly. I traced the letters of my "bitch" sign so they were darker and added, "why didn't you tell me?" I continued to doodle as Ralphie talked. "We were talking about getting everyone together for Homecoming and I was wondering if you wanted to come."

"Sure," I said quickly. "It sounds like fun."

"It'll be like old times – like when we went to that sock hop in high school," Ralphie said.

I laughed a little. "Too bad they probably won't play any Four Seasons here, though."

"That's probably okay." Ralphie said more quietly. "I'd rather not sing in falsetto unless I have to." We laughed a bit. "Okay, well, we're looking at dinner at 7ish, so I'll pick you up at 6:30, is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll see you then." I said, trying to sound like my normal cheerful self.

"See ya." Ralphie hung up.

"Why didn't you tell me you're handing out my number like candy?" I demanded.

"Only to Ralphie!" Keesha defended. "Even though if I was handing out candy, he'd take it."

"That's not fair," I warned. "He's not here to defend himself against your fat jokes."

"It wasn't a fat joke," Keesha insisted. "It was an observation that Ralphie likes candy. Besides, he isn't even that fat." Ralphie had lost his childhood pudge in a growth spurt in junior high. He wasn't skinny, but he wasn't overweight either. "So, you're going on a date at last!"

"When?" I asked.

"Um, to Homecoming… with Ralphie…" Keesha laughed.

"That's a date?" I sounded dumber than I was. "I thought we were just going as a group – or – STOP CONFUSING ME."

"Fine, it's not a date. It's like when you two went to the dance in high school." She smiled wryly. The smile told me she remembered that I'd decided I was madly in love with Ralphie and was convinced we'd get together… until he and I had talked the Monday after the dance and I found out he liked Keesha. That evil, evil woman. Little did she know that I had Arnold under my thumb.

"Let's forget about semantics and get me a dress, okay?" I insisted. Keesha loved going shopping and was actually willing to stay on a budget. We found a nice simple black gown at a thrift store and took it to the dry cleaners. Keesha also took me through the craft store, where she bought all kinds of random things for her dark red dress and for mine to decorate them all pretty. I was having a hard time hiding how excited I was to see Arnold all cleaned up and in a suit again. Maybe he needed to see me in all my formal glory – I soon was convinced that Homecoming was going to bring us together again and had forgotten all about he and Wanda having sex in my bed.

* * *

**September 24, 2004  
6:27 p.m.  
Austin Street Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

At last, Friday night came. Keesha was examining her perfect curls in the mirror and applying a final coat of lipstick.

"Stop it!" I sighed. "You look awesome." I was fussing with my hair, which was pulled back into a loose, wavy bun. Keesha had pulled her hair back in a similar way, but her hair was much curlier. It was hard to tell that she'd done both our hair in virtually the same way.

"Thanks!" Keesha smiled. "Stop pulling at your hair. You'll mess it up."

"Sorry, I just feel more awkward than usual." I explained.

"Nervous?" Keesha asked.

"Keesha, I'm not having sex with Ralphie." I sighed.

"Now you know how I feel with you asking all the time." She retorted. "Oh, it looks like they're here."

"I'll get the door." I listened to the click of my heels on the wooden floor and reached for the handle. I opened the door as Carlos was about to knock. "Hi."

"Hey Pheebs, you look great!" Carlos exclaimed. He actually didn't look too bad. He'd forgone a mariachi band shirt (or something similarly ridiculous) and looked well-groomed.

"You look good too," I replied quietly, trying not to be conspicuous about looking for Arnold.

"Stop hitting on my date!" Keesha cried, walking gracefully toward Carlos. Her dress was just sequined enough to be snazzy without being gaudy, and her hips were swaying more than usual. I raised my eyebrows. Since when was Keesha on the prowl for Carlos? Tonight would be interesting.

"So," I whispered to Keesha, "why are you trying to push me off on Carlos if he's your territory?"

"I like to have competition." She replied. "Competition with brains."

"You're trying to make my love life more complicated?" I shook my head. "You're evil."

"What are you two whispering about?" Ralphie asked. I should've known he and Carlos would come together. It only made sense on several levels.

"They're fighting over who gets to go in the backseat with me first." Carlos answered proudly. I shot him a look.

"It's your truck," Ralphie rolled his eyes.

"More room in the bed – get it?" Carlos winked.

Keesha laughed – weakly – but she laughed. Ralphie and I exchanged looks of disbelief and disgust.

"Sorry, my car is in the shop," Ralphie explained to me. "So we kind of had to take Carlos' truck."

"It's fine," I said. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive the toaster?"

"That would be awesome!" Ralphie smiled. "Carlos! Phoebe will drive us in the van!"

"Phoebe! You're not supposed to drive on a date!" Keesha insisted.

"Do you want to ride in the bed of Carlos' truck?" I asked.

"Hey, I got my extended family out of there first!" Carlos protested.

"That was terrible." Keesha said. I let out a sigh of relief. At least she wasn't totally insane.

"Hey, we could go in the backseat!" Carlos said excitedly as he yanked open the sliding door.

"And the sentence stops there." I said firmly. "No sex."

"I second that." Ralphie added.

"It's already a rule," I smiled, "you don't have to second it."

"I'm more of a convincing enforcer." Ralphie said.

"Hey, just because I'm skinny doesn't mean that I can't enforce my own rules!" I cried.

"I know," he took on the compromising tone I'd heard him use a thousand times with Keesha, "I'll just _help_."

I sighed. "Okay, I guess."

"So where are we going for dinner?" Keesha asked, flashing her million-dollar smile at Carlos.

"Does Wendy's sound good to you?" Ralphie asked.

"Um…" I said quietly.

"No man, I'm more in the mood for Jack-in-the-Box." Carlos thought aloud.

"You've got to be kidding." Keesha rolled her eyes.

"Right, you don't like Wendy's." Ralphie nodded.

"No! You don't eat fast food in formal attire!" Keesha cried.

"It's semi-formal." Carlos corrected. "And we're kidding."

"Oh good." Keesha sighed with relief.

"McDonald's it is." Ralphie said to me.

"Are you kidding? They're deforesting the Amazon!" I kept my foot firmly on the brake while everyone else in the toaster laughed.

* * *

**September 24, 2004  
8:02 p.m.  
Walkerville Marriott  
Walkerville, CA**

Since Keesha and I had the privilege of going with the two guys with the most casual attitudes toward dating, we ate at Godfather's Pizza. The fast-food routine had been a joke, but Keesha had taken it seriously enough that Carlos was going to have some apologizing to do. To my chagrin, we didn't eat dinner with the other half of the group. Keesha was more upset that they were more than likely at a real restaurant. I tried not to act like I was disappointed to spend less time with Arnold – besides, the lighting at the Marriott would be better to show off how good I looked. I hated to sound cocky, but I looked much better than usual with my makeup and hair done. Keesha was into fashion, like Wanda, but she was more creative with leftovers and cheaper makeup. Wanda would go out and buy new blush instead of improvising. Besides, the convenience of the Marriott was that it was a hotel – no need to sneak off to some shady place like everyone and their dog did after prom. All you needed to do was check in and go upstairs. Tons of people did that because they were too drunk to drive (or walk – apparently Wanda had had some accidents as a "crazy drunk pedestrian").

We entered the ballroom. College homecoming really was a lot like high school homecoming, except not in the gym of Walkerville High, not to mention the hotel's bar. Ralphie and I followed Keesha and Carlos further into the ballroom where we met up with Tim, Dorothy Ann, Arnold, and Wanda. It wasn't until I saw Wanda's arm hooked around Arnold's that I realized they had come together, and the thought of them going as "friends" wasn't very comforting either. My stomach knotted. I felt sick and angry at the same time. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

"Good to see you!" Carlos and DA hugged cordially. Keesha stood back, observing. Fortunately, her pursuit of Carlos could keep my mind off Arnold and Wanda for a few moments at a time. "Phoebe, you look gorgeous!" DA exclaimed. "Good job, Keesha."

"Thanks," I said softly, hugging DA.

"It wasn't that hard to dress her up a bit." Keesha explained.

Arnold was wearing a black designer suit, which may have been plain except that it was on Arnold. He looked positively stunning. I couldn't help but look at Wanda in her tight-fitting, gathered-in-all-the-right-places hot pink dress with disdain and envy. Arnold obviously was pleased with the attractiveness of his date. I had clung to a small hope that she'd look awkward in formal attire, like she had as a kid, or at least that I'd look better. My dress covered my knobby knees, barely, but it left my skinny calves exposed. My legs were pale and only looked somewhat feminine because Keesha had talked me into wearing heels. After a few moments of greeting (and loathing on my part), we decided to dance.

I hardly noticed that Ralphie was a lot less clumsy than I was at dancing. It registered enough surprise for me to realize it, but I was too busy watching Wanda try to dry-hump Arnold during a waltz.

"Phoebe?" Ralphie asked after a three-song stretch of silence.

"Mm?" I replied.

"You look really nice."

"Thanks." My eyes hadn't left the point they were staring at over Ralphie's shoulder.

"Are you even listening to me?" He sound a bit peeved.

"Yes," I replied.

"I just get this distinct feeling you don't want to be here with me." He managed after a moment of thought.

"No, I'm just – distracted." I confessed, looking down at the floor.

"I can tell." Ralphie still sounded irked. "Look, if you didn't want to come you could've said no."

"I'm having fun!" I lied.

"No you aren't." Ralphie shook his head. "What's wrong?"

I sighed. Apparently I was bad at lying. "Nothing."

"Fine." Ralphie shrugged and let go of me. "I'm sorry I forced you to come with me."

"You didn't," I argued, following him a little way. "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a little – off."

"I can tell." He walked away, stranding me in the middle of the dance floor. I glanced around quickly. There was no sign of Arnold or Wanda anywhere, and Wanda had probably been drinking. I darted to the coat check, where we'd stashed our purses. I dug through the pile and found mine, where I'd written down the room number of the "just in case" room. I grabbed the scrap of paper and ran up the stairs. I arrived at the door and flung it open.

A turquoise and green gown was in a heap on the floor just past the silver glittery heels. I spotted a pair of brownish shoes nearby, then a pair of dark brown slacks crumpled over a pair of socks. A large, peach strapless bra lay over the chair, and a pair of boxers and panties were nearly on top of each other. My jaw dropped as I realized that this wasn't just a messy hotel room. The moving pile on the creaking bed was my first hint to get out.

"Phoebe?" Tim's voice asked.

"I'M SO SORRY." I ran out the door, fighting the instinct to cover my eyes as that would only end in my running into things.

I didn't have a plan B, but I acted like I did. I ran back down the stairs and scanned the dance crowd. I spotted Arnold and Wanda across the room, looking like they were in the middle of an intense argument. I snuck closer. On my way, I ran into Ralphie.

"Feeling better?" He asked. He'd apparently hit the booze. His speech was slurring a bit.

"Um, sure." I replied.

"I hate to do this, but I think I'm going to hang out with Janet." My eyes widened. "Sorry, Pheebs. Don't worry about taking me home."

I stood stunned as I watched Ralphie and Janet leave arm-in-arm. I hadn't thought I'd end up being ditched by Ralphie. As I thought it over, the plan had been to ditch Ralphie for Arnold. I felt awful, and seeing him leave made me more desperate than ever. I made my way to where Arnold and Wanda had been. I caught a glimpse of them in the elevator and took the stairs. I waited a moment, watching through the small window in the stairwell door for them to disappear around a corner before I opened the door and closed it behind me silently. I snuck quietly down the hall, hoping no one had ordered room service from a loud maid or anything. I heard voices coming from the room I'd just run away from.

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Get out! You already had your turn!"

"Hold on a minute!"

"No!"

I couldn't help but peek around a corner. I saw a half-dressed Tim and a fully-dressed DA leaving the room as quickly as they could. DA's hair was hopelessly mussed. I cringed at having to be back up here and having to revisit the intimate moment between Tim and Dorothy Ann I'd just interrupted. I felt my stomach knot harder as I approached.

It was a train wreck. I knew I shouldn't keep moving closer, but I did. Wanda was yelling "fuck" over and over again. I heard something thump against the wall and couldn't figure out if it was the bed or their bodies.

Whatever words were understandable quickly became incoherent screams until I couldn't even pretend they were angry. I thought they were arguing a while ago, and I thought arguments didn't end in sex. I sat in the hall unable to move until they were finished.

"God, Wanda, you're the best fuck I've ever had." Arnold panted. I burst into tears and ran down the stairs. For the first time that night, I was glad I wasn't wearing a long dress. I was sure I would've tripped over it and fallen down the stairs. I grabbed my purse from the coat room and ran to the parking lot. The toaster was rocking back and forth. I was glad the windows were fogged enough that I couldn't see who it was. Unfortunately, I recognized Keesha's screaming. I was at the end of my rope. I opened the door.

"Phoebe!" Carlos looked up at me.

"Thank God you're clothed." I fumed. "Mostly."

"Phoebe, I'm so sorry," Keesha started.

"Here are the keys. You're driving home." I threw the keys and they landed on Keesha's sweaty chest.

"Ow," she flinched. "What about Ralphie?"

"Oh, he's probably fucking Janet," I spat out awkwardly. I never swore, but I was furious. "Just like you guys, and Arnold and Wanda, and Tim and DA. So if you don't mind, I'm going to take my chaste self home and say my prayers like a good little girl." I slammed the door and stormed off toward home.


	5. Step on the Sparks

**Things get messy here, so be warned: this chapter (among other reasons) is why the story is rated M...**_  
_

* * *

_I should never have to chase you; you were the one who ran away.  
If you could feel the pain your confusion has caused me,  
You would've stopped before you spoke.  
_

from "Firecracker," by Lisa Loeb

**September 25, 2004  
10:55 a.m.  
Austin Street Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

I couldn't believe that Wanda was laying asleep on my couch.

"What's _she_ doing here?" I asked Keesha, making no effort to hide the disdain in my voice.

"Sleeping," Keesha replied. "What's your problem with it?"

"I don't – I don't know what you mean." I lied.

"She was too drunk to go home and there was no room in the hotel room. Arnold already left." She explained.

"Arnold was here? Why didn't you tell me?" I exclaimed.

"I was afraid you'd kill me because you aren't getting some!" She cried.

"I don't care that I'm not getting any," I corrected.

"Then explain why you freaked out over me and Carlos." Keesha folded her arms and raised her eyebrows.

"I had just had the experience of walking in on or overhearing everyone else in the whole damn world in the middle of one big orgy that I apparently wasn't invited to." I retorted. Keesha shook her head.

"So why are you so upset that your old friend Wanda is here?"

"She – might give the couch lice." I tried.

"_Lice_?" Keesha laughed.

"You know, pubic lice. I'm pretty sure she wasn't wearing panties last night." I tried explaining.

"You're saying I shouldn't let Wanda sleep here because you think she has crabs?"

"Well she was rarin' to go at any second!" I defended.

"You walked in on her and Arnold, didn't you?" Keesha's eyes widened a bit. "You aren't still sleeping with him, are you?"

"NOT AFTER SHE DID!" I pointed at Wanda. "I don't want my genitals to end up in some health textbook!"

"Shut up!" Wanda moaned, waking up a bit.

"You didn't get over him, did you?" Keesha asked firmly.

"It's easier said than done." I folded my arms.

"What? You think it was easy for me to get over Ralphie?" Keesha guffawed. "I thought he and I were going to get married and have black Italian babies running around and live happily ever after. Trust me, I know about how hard it is to get over someone."

"Arnold's different." I insisted.

"But he's not harder to get over!" Keesha practically yelled. "He's moved on – everyone's moved on. DA is in a serious relationship and she dumped Carlos at the same time you got dumped. Carlos has moved on after getting dumped, even."

"Carlos is a man-whore." I retorted, then thought back to last night – Keesha was obviously attached to him on some level. "Sorry,"

"It's fine," Keesha looked at her feet. "I know he is. That's beside the point!"

"Yeah!" Wanda chimed in, apparently awake for good now. She was still extremely drunk from the night before. "Oh – Ralphie says hi, you guys."

"When did you talk to Ralphie?" Keesha asked.

"It's a funny story. I'll tell you later." Wanda said, her eyelids drooping.

"Did he say anything about ditching me last night?" I resumed my defensiveness.

"He said you were acting kind of weird," Wanda mused. "I think."

"About that," Keesha said slyly. "You were looking for Arnold, weren't you?"

"What if I was?" I retorted.

"God, Phoebe, am I going to have to put you on a leash?"

"That could be fun," Wanda added.

"GO BACK TO SLEEP," I yelled.

"No loud noises," Wanda grabbed her ears and huddled into the fetal position.

"Okay, Phoebe, for your own good, you're going to get over Arnold once and for all." Keesha ordered.

"How do you propose I do that?"

"Well, it helps now that you won't have sex with him." Keesha sighed. "How many times have you two done the deed since you broke up?"

"I didn't count."

"So more than five." Keesha paused, waiting for my reaction. "Ten? Fifteen?"

"Probably more than that." I looked at my feet. "Basically since I started doing the study groups,"

"And I thought you had really hard classes – oh my Lord, Phoebe." She sighed. "Okay, you're quitting cold turkey, starting now."

"I don't have to!"

"Yes you do." Keesha insisted. "You're going crazy. If Ralphie noticed it, you're pretty fucking crazy."

"But the last time we had sex," I felt awkward saying it, "he told me he loved me!"

"That's his penis talking, dear." Keesha said, disappointed. "Now... how to get you weaned from Arnold..."

"I can help!" Wanda sat up quickly, then paused to regain her balance. "Every time you want to have sex with Arnold, you need to think of crabs. Then you'll associate Arnold sex with crabs and you won't want to have sex with him any more!" She beamed. "I learned it in psychology. I'm not totally retarded."

"I'm never going to want to have sex with anyone again." I sighed.

"That's easier to fix later." Keesha put her hand on her forehead. "We'll work on that once you're not psycho any more."

"Hmph." I poured myself a bowl of cheerios. "I'm not psycho."

"Wanda, is following people around a hotel kind of creepy?" Keesha asked.

"Shit, you were following people?" Wanda sat up too fast. "Were you following me?"

"No!" I insisted, pouring the milk.

"She was following Arnold," Keesha explained.

"YOU LIED!" Wanda pointed a wobbly finger at me. "Why were you following me?"

"It's not my fault you happened to be – attached to Arnold the whole night." I defended.

"Not the whole night!" Wanda argued. "He was in the shower or something for a while."

"Does this have anything to do with you 'talking to' Ralphie?" Keesha asked, making quotation marks with her fingers.

"No!" Wanda tried. "Maybe. If by 'talking to' you mean 'having drunk sex with,' then yes."

"I did the little air-quotes, what the hell do you think that means?" Keesha exclaimed. "Shit, Wanda, how many different people did you sleep with last night?" Keesha exclaimed.

"Don't answer that." I pleaded.

"It's a funny story…" Wanda said, starting to count. "What counts as sex?" She asked.

"If you're asking, then it counts." Keesha sat down.

"Okay, then three – on a technicality." Wanda suddenly looked proud. "Damn, I'm good!"

"So who was the third one?" Keesha rested her chin on her hand.

"It's a funny story," Wanda repeated, giggling a bit.

"Tell it!" Keesha insisted.

"Don't make her," I begged.

"Well Arnold went to shower or something and I guess he fell asleep in the bathtub. I don't know, I was drunk." Wanda thought for a minute. "Then Ralphie and Janet came in – apparently her friends had taken her car and he was pretty drunk, and you know how Janet likes 'em drunk."

"She didn't!" Keesha's jaw dropped. "She's been trying to get in Ralphie's pants since… since she figured out what that meant."

"Well, they were in the room and he was having a hard time – only not really – you know, he was pretty drunk. He had totally lost his whatever it's called, and he was thinking out loud."

"His internal monologue," Keesha interrupted. "That's pretty drunk."

"Anyway, so Janet was trying to kick me and Arnold out of the room, but he'd passed out in the bathtub and we had nowhere to go. Meanwhile, Janet's got some sort of fire up her ass or she's had a shit-ton of Spanish Fly and she's ready to go, but Ralphie – isn't, so I suggested that me and Janet could start making out or something… and one thing led to another and…"

I spat out my Cheerios. "YOU HAD SEX WITH JANET?"

"I'm not gay!" Wanda argued. "It was only for a little bit, until Ralphie was ready."

"While Arnold was in the other room?!" Keesha cried. "Damn!"

"I think I'm going to be sick." I ran to the bathroom and could do nothing but cough. It was bad enough having Wanda here, worse that she'd had sex with Arnold, but I didn't think she'd actually have sex with two people at the same time – let alone two people I'd known forever, one of whom was Arnold's cousin. Just a few minutes earlier, the thought of having two Perlsteins in one night was beyond my comprehension.

"Are you okay, Pheebs?" Keesha knocked on the door.

"Oh, I'm fine." I retorted. "And you think I'm the one who's messed up? At least I haven't had relations with Arnold's whole family!"

"Chill out, Phoebe." Keesha said. "Are you done puking?"

"I didn't puke, but I don't think I can look at Wanda ever again."

"It didn't mean anything! I was helping out a friend!" Wanda cried.

"Which one, the one with the video camera?" I retorted. "It sounds like a porn to me!"

"Well Ralphie wouldn't have been drunk off his ass and looking for pity sex from Janet if you hadn't been such a psycho!" Wanda yelled.

"Psycho? I'm not the one having sex with HALF OF WALKERVILLE!" I screeched.

"Maybe you're jealous that I'm actually getting some!"

"It's not my fault I didn't get the memo to screw anything that moved yesterday!"

"STOP IT!" Keesha screamed. "Can we all just – calm down?" Fortunately, Wanda was still drunk enough to go almost immediately into sappy mode.

"Sorry I called you psycho." Wanda said. "I didn't know you weren't over Arnold or I would've tried to help."

"Thanks. Sorry I called you a whore," I said weakly.

"It's okay, I am except I don't get paid." Wanda beamed.

"So, Phoebe – no more sex with Arnold. Period, the end." Keesha said firmly. She was determined to keep the subject changed this time.

"Give us a chance." I pleaded.

"You've had a chance. You've had five years together to try and work it out." Keesha sighed.

"You know what you need? Another man." Wanda rambled. "It works for me."

"Obviously." I said quietly.

"Arnold is over you," Keesha said for the millionth time. "Besides, you could do so much better,"

"Like Ralphie." Wanda added.

Keesha's eyes lit up. "Yeah! Like Ralphie!"

"Why Ralphie?" I wondered.

"He's the only one left?" Wanda asked.

"Think about it: you both like oldies. You both – have brown hair." Keesha thought aloud. "It sounds stupid, I know, but it could work."

I remembered times Ralphie and I had driven around in the toaster, singing along with oldies. I remembered when Ralphie confessed to me that he loved REO Speedwagon and tried to tell Keesha once, but she hadn't known what he was talking about. I remembered the times he'd told me that I'd have a chance at being Homecoming Queen, even though we both knew I never would. I remembered when we went to the dance and everyone thought we were so cute together and how I'd started to believe it, then how I'd helped get him and Keesha together. He'd been a great friend to me, he'd never been deliberately mean to me, and – I had almost talked myself into having loved him since third grade when Wanda said,

"And you two would be great if I wouldn't have fucked him last night."

"Thanks for reminding us, Wanda." Keesha said flatly.

"It didn't mean anything!" Wanda cried. "You can call him and ask!"

"Right," Keesha rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, do it!" Wanda insisted. I put my head down on the table.

"Fine." Keesha got out her cell phone and started dialing.

"SPEAKER PHONE!" Wanda whispered loudly as it rang. Keesha put it on speaker phone.

"I feel like we're in eighth grade." She whispered.

"Hello?" Ralphie asked groggily. "What time is it?"

"It's almost noon," Keesha said. "You don't sound too good."

"I feel like shit." Ralphie confessed. "I can't hear you very well."

Wanda sighed impatiently. "You did two chicks at the same time last night!" She cried.

"What? Who was that?" Ralphie asked.

"Um, that was Wanda." Keesha said. "She's over at my place and she was telling us that you had some – adventures last night."

"I did?"

Wanda picked up the phone and spoke slowly. "You did two chicks at once."

"I did WHAT?" Ralphie asked. "You're kidding!"

"Uh, well, Wanda's not that good at lying…" Keesha said.

"I was there!" Wanda yelled. "I was one of them!"

"Oh shit, I think I remember parts of it." Ralphie sounded stunned.

"It meant nothing, right?" Wanda asked. "I'm trying to tell Keesha and Phoebe that it was just drunk sex."

"Oh man," Ralphie sounded embarrassed. "Oh… I should probably get tested."

"For the last time, I'm clean! I don't have any STDs!" Wanda yelled.

"It's okay, just go back to sleep." Keesha took the phone away from Wanda and turned off speaker phone. "No, everyone doesn't know, just – us girls. Yeah, get yourself tested, that's probably a good idea. Not at your mom's clinic, no. Don't worry, you'll be fine." She looked up at Wanda and sighed. "Wanda wants to make sure you have no feelings for her or Janet. I know you're confused. I think she's saying she doesn't like you like that." Keesha rolled her eyes. "Okay, go back to sleep. Bye."

"And?" Wanda asked, excited.

"Wanda, he's too confused to think." Keesha insisted. "But I doubt he's secretly in love with you. He would've said something. That's drunk Ralphie for you."

"He's all yours, Pheebs!" Wanda cried triumphantly.

"Great." I sighed.


	6. I Never Will

_Now I can't believe it took so long to leave.  
Perhaps one day I'll grieve or I never will.  
I never will._

from "Told You So," by Barenaked Ladies

**February 3, 2005  
11:55 a.m.  
I-15 northbound  
near Barstow, CA**

For reasons beyond my control, I was again going to a formal with Ralphie. I could hardly look at him at all since homecoming, but that didn't change the fact that for the past five hours, we'd been crammed into the toaster driving eastbound into the desert. Fortunately (or unfortunately) the whole group was together again, as the guys' two fraternities were doing a joint function. We'd originally decided to go en masse, but I think that was part of Keesha and Wanda's plan to put me with Ralphie. I was sitting uneasily in the back of the toaster with my arms folded, staring out the window at the outskirts of Barstow.

"Tell me again why I agreed to this." I said to Keesha, who was next to me. Tim was driving and resting his hand on DA's knee. It was so saccharine it disgusted me, so I was in the back corner of the toaster. It was an entirely different perspective than I was used to.

"Because you trust me." Keesha smiled. "Don't worry, I'll keep Arnold safe from you."

"I'm not some crazy – person." I tried.

"Yes you are." Wanda added from the other side of Keesha. The three boys were sitting in front of us. Wanda was behind Arnold, so I couldn't even look at him without Keesha elbowing me hard in the ribs. I had tried to put my hoodie in the way as a cushion, but then Keesha started pinching my arm. "And you're going to do this once and for all."

"Do what?" Carlos asked, turning around. "I like where this is going!"

"It has nothing to do with you." I tried, but Carlos would have none of it.

"I don't believe it." Wanda retorted loudly. "Keesha told me about you guys making out that one time." My eyes widened in horror. Keesha and I exchanged glances. Ralphie and Arnold turned around, and I was able to look at Arnold for the first time that day without pain being inflicted on me. He seemed slightly surprised, but Ralphie looked more so.

"What?" Ralphie asked slowly.

"It was a one-time thing!" I protested.

"It was a mistake!" Carlos added.

"What was?" DA turned around. She looked incredibly calm in the middle of the storm.

"Carlos and Phoebe making out!" Wanda said. I felt strangely liberated by having the secret out.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" DA screeched. "Phoebe, you whore!"

"Me?" My voice squeaked.

"Drop the innocent act!" DA was fully facing all of us in the back. "Carlos is acknowledging that it was a mistake! What, are you stalking him too?"

"I'M NOT STALKING ANYONE!" I cried, staring Wanda down in hopes that I could intimidate her from speaking up again.

"Hold it!" Arnold cried. "Can we please not yell in the van?"

"Uh, I'm going to stop here." Tim said as we pulled off the freeway into Barstow. "It's lunchtime anyway."

"DA, it was nothing – it was a mistake." Carlos pleaded. "Besides, it was a long time ago. Why do you even still care?"

"I don't!" DA protested. Finally, someone else was in the running for being the queen of denial.

"DA, you can't have a steady boyfriend and expect girls to keep their distance from Carlos. You can't have your cake and eat it too." Keesha lectured.

"I'm a free man!" Carlos added. "And thanks to you, the ladies can't leave me alone, right Pheebs?"

"Shut up, Carlos." I snapped. "I was confused, you made a mistake, let's move on."

"We're here." Tim said weakly. We were parked at a truck stop.

"Finally!" Arnold sighed. He hardly said much when I was around. Keesha was trying to calm down and straighten out DA, who was obviously distressed. I took the opportunity and ran after Arnold.

"Arnold!" I cried. He turned around. "I'm – sorry."

"For what?" He asked.

"For being all crazy for the past – few years."

"It's fine." He smiled. I felt my insides melt. I glanced back at the van. It was only a matter of time before Wanda or someone found us, so I had to work quickly.

"Look, all I've wanted was to be with you again, because we were so happy. That's it. I thought you were fighting with Wanda at homecoming and I wanted to make sure you were okay." I said quickly.

"You were following me?" Arnold asked. He put his hand to his forehead. "Damn, I didn't know you had it in you."

"I know it might sound crazy," I started.

"It does!" Arnold interrupted. "It is!"

"But I wasn't trying to scare you or anything – I was trying to make it work." I pleaded.

"Phoebe, I've been doing fine, but you're worrying me." Arnold furrowed his brow. "I mean, I'm flattered, but – now I can't help but think I've been leading you on. I can't do that to you." I was growing desperate. I kissed him hard, trying to force my tongue into his mouth. He pushed me off. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you're scaring me!" He took a few steps back. "Phoebe, I want to be friends with you and everything, but you're only making it worse for yourself and I can't let you do that. I want you to be happy." He walked off. I stood there in the parking lot, flabbergasted. I had been ultimately rejected by Arnold, even if he hadn't outright said so, but the familiar glimmer of hope in me was being crushed by the grave reality of the situation. On the other hand, I was still girlishly giddy about kissing Arnold again. It made for an odd combination. I walked into the convenience store and grabbed a bottle of water. I went up to pay for it and ran into Tim, who was buying some Sour Patch Kids. They were DA's favorite, and I couldn't help but smile a little at his thoughtfulness.

"Are you okay?" Tim asked. He didn't look too great himself.

"I'll be fine." I sighed. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," Tim replied as he put his wares on the counter to pay for them. "I was really freaked out for a second that DA was going to say she loved Carlos this whole time or something."

"Yeah, that might put a damper on things." I smiled a bit. "You guys are really cute together. You're good for each other."

"Thanks," Tim fumbled in his pocket for his wallet. "I think everything will turn out fine."

"Come on, slowpokes, let's get out of here!" Wanda practically bounced through the door. "Ooh! Can I have some candy?"

"Sure," Tim smiled a bit and opened the bag.

I pushed the door open and walked back to the van. "Do you have a sec?" I asked Keesha. I wanted to talk this out before we hit the road again.

"Phoebe, let me talk to you," Arnold grabbed my arm. We walked around the back of the van. "You know I love you, right? I don't want to hurt you. That's why I can't spend any more time with you like that. I want to see you happy. I know you can be happy without me."

"Thanks Arn." I smiled. "It's just hard."

"Believe me, it's been hard for me too. Maybe it looked like I got over you right away, but I honestly didn't." He smiled. "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings." I echoed. We hugged and I felt slightly more normal, like the burden of getting Arnold back was released. Part of me had known this day would come for a long time. I'd feared it would be after a particularly good round of sex, but this was a lot better, if it had to happen. I felt completely exhausted and slightly depressed. I got back in the van into my corner seat and had every intention of taking a nap.

"Are you okay?" Keesha asked. There was no use in keeping voices low anymore.

"Sorry I called you a mistake," Carlos added. I closed my eyes.

"Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it." I heard Arnold say. I waited until the focus shifted entirely away from me before I whispered to Keesha,

"He cut it all off."

"Ouch." Keesha replied.

"It's for the best – no hard feelings." I said weakly.

"No more following?" Keesha asked. "Don't make me get crazy Dr. Li over here to swear at you until you reform."

"I think I'll be fine." I sighed. "I just need a little while, that's all.**  
**

* * *

**February 3, 2005  
2:47 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"Okay, I'll get us checked in," Tim said as he leaped out of the van from the middle seat. Keesha put the emergency brake on.

"So what's the plan?" She asked. "What do you usually do at these things?"

"Hold on, let's figure out who's in what room first." Arnold looked around.

"I vote to not split up the boys and girls!" Wanda blurted.

"I second it," DA – of all people – added. "We're adults, we can handle coed sleeping arrangements."

_I don't know_, I thought.

"So we do this by couple then?" Keesha suggested.

"That seems easiest." Ralphie said. I looked at him slightly uneasily. Did I really want to sleep in the same room as Ralphie? He didn't seem too thrilled to be going with me either.

"So…" Wanda said. "How about me and Carlos in one room with… uh…"

"Ralphie and Phoebe," Keesha finished. Ralphie and I looked at each other. I actually felt bad for him that he'd have to share a room with Wanda after the homecoming incident. "Arnold and I will be with Tim and DA. I think that'll work out best." Tim ran back to the van with the keys.

"That sounds like an awesome plan! We're right across the hall from each other." He said after DA explained the situation. "Let's get our stuff into the rooms."

"Let's hit the casino!" Wanda cried.

"You aren't 21," Carlos winked.

"Says who?" Wanda winked back.

"Holy hell, Wanda, did you leave _anything _at home?" Keesha asked, looking at Wanda's bags.

"I'm so glad I'm not her date this time," Arnold laughed. "I'd have to haul all that stuff…"

"Oh, don't worry, I brought three bags of shoes!" Keesha joked.

"Are we supposed to be lightheartedly joking?" Ralphie asked me awkwardly.

"I guess so." I smiled a little. "Sorry you're stuck with me again."

"Nah," Ralphie picked up my bag before I could protest. "Sorry you're stuck with me."

"I can get it," I reached for the bag.

"I know," Ralphie replied and walked toward the hotel before I could say anything else.

"Say it." Keesha whispered.

"What?" I asked.

"Gee, what a guy!" Keesha clapped her hands together in her best "smitten Phoebe" impersonation.

"I was nine when I said that!" I sighed. "Will you let me forget it?"

"Right after I let Ralphie forget Weather Man," Keesha smirked. "Want to help with Wanda's stuff?"

"Fine." I picked up what must've been the heaviest bag.

"I told you that you and Ralphie would work," Wanda prodded. "You were doing your 'gee, what a guy' face!"

"I know!" Keesha laughed.

"I WAS NOT!" I cried. "I just didn't expect him to carry my luggage for me." We loaded ourselves into the elevator with Carlos and went to find our rooms.

"This must be it," Carlos walked toward the open door. Ralphie was already inside with all our stuff. Wanda dropped her bags and started jumping on the beds.

"This one's my bed!" Wanda announced. "It's bouncier." She let herself bounce into a laying position.

"Is it really?" Carlos threw himself on it. "AWESOME!"

"I told you I can always pick the best beds!" Wanda poked Carlos in the stomach, tickling him a little.

I began to realize that I'd have to share a bed with Ralphie. He seemed to be realizing it too, as I could see him blush while I felt my face get hotter.

"I guess you're stuck with me again." I said quietly.

"I guess so." Ralphie echoed.

"We're going down to the casino," Keesha, who'd just turned 21 two days ago, announced. "I have to show off my new paper ID." She grabbed Arnold by the arm and I had to consciously keep myself from hating her. DA and Tim were hot on her heels.

"Wait up, Keesh!" Tim cried.

"Yeah, wait for us!" Carlos ran into the hall.

"Aren't you coming?" Wanda asked.

"I can't," I said somberly. "I'm too young."

"Use a fake," Wanda bargained.

"With my luck?" I laughed. "No way."

"You're coming; aren't you, Ralphie?" Carlos prodded, sticking his head back into the room.

"I think I'll keep Phoebe company." Ralphie looked at me. "If you don't mind."

"Thanks," I said.

"I see." Carlos raised his eyebrows.

"Wait for us!" Wanda called, running toward the others with Carlos in tow. The hotel door shut loudly behind them. I don't know what I expected to happen.

"I really didn't want to end up here." Ralphie sighed. I had a moment to wonder what he meant. I felt bad for making him go with me. "I mean, in the same room as Wanda." I felt relieved.

"You – you seemed kind of embarrassed about – you know, homecoming." I stammered a bit. I had no idea how to even approach the subject.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing." Ralphie looked at his feet. "I didn't really mean for it to happen that way – or at all, really."

"Homecoming was kind of a disaster." I nodded. "I went ten kinds of crazy."

"Yeah, you did." Ralphie smirked. "You could've just told me you weren't over Arnold."

"I guess." I said. "Would it have made any difference?"

"Trust me, it would've." Ralphie looked me in the eye. I froze. He was better looking than I usually thought of him. I remembered Wanda screaming at me that it never would've happened if I hadn't driven Ralphie to drink. And then there was the fact that I was alone in a hotel room sitting on a bed next to Ralphie. I wasn't sure if he was going to kiss me or not, or if I wanted him to or not. At last, he looked away. "I'm never getting that drunk again."

"You seemed pretty messed up," I said. "Keesha had the phone on speaker."

"That's why I thought I kept hearing Wanda." Ralphie mused. "Seriously though, I never thought I'd do anything like that."

"Without social lubricant anyway," I said weakly.

"I didn't even think I would then!" Ralphie exclaimed. "I meant to tell you that I'm sorry it happened."

"Why?"

"Besides the emotional trauma of getting tested?" Ralphie laughed unconvincingly. "Because I didn't go to have a wild time. I went with you, and I guess I thought that if anything happened…" I turned redder than I had in a long time. "Look, I know you're in kind of a weird place right now, but I'm glad that we got a second chance for homecoming, you know? I mean, I was really looking forward to it and I was pretty disappointed when you weren't – paying attention."

"I'm so sorry," I said sincerely. "If I would've known how it would've ended, I probably would have stayed with you."

"Oh yeah?" Ralphie asked. I thought I saw him perk up a bit, which was exciting and confusing at the same time. "Why's that?"

"Well, after I walked in on Tim and DA, I saw Arnold and Wanda kick them out and heard _them _going at it, and when I went to go home, Keesha and Carlos were in the toaster." I explained. It seemed a lot funnier than it had a week ago.

"Holy shit…" Ralphie laughed. "That was one crazy night."

"It was terrible." I looked at the carpet. Ralphie was sitting pretty close to me on the bed and I was just coming to terms with it as I felt his arm around my back.

"It'll never happen again." He said softly.

"How can you be sure?" I asked.

"I can keep you from wandering around during formals." Ralphie smiled at me. Part of me wanted to run away and find Arnold. I wasn't supposed to have any guy paying attention to me. I was supposed to be the undesirable one. On the other hand, I believed Arnold did want me to be happy and I knew that as hard as it would be, staying away from each other would actually work. I accepted, on a basic level, that he and I wouldn't work right now. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Ralphie said apologetically, "I just – guh, I really like you, Phoebe." He took his arm off me and I was surprised at how cold I felt. I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Really?"

"Would I make that up?"

"Knowing my luck, yes." I smiled. My mind was racing. A guy – a non-Arnold guy – had just told me he _liked_ me? I couldn't help but think of all the recent to-do Keesha and Wanda had about trying to ditch Ralphie and me together at the Union and other shenanigans. "Or Keesha put you up to it."

"She did talk to me about it, but that's not why – I mean, it's not – she didn't make me or anything," Ralphie tried, "I'm not making anything up. She's doing her matchmaking hobby again. Anyway, I just wanted to be upfront with you – I'm not going to try anything, but I wanted you to know, I guess. And I understand if you don't feel the same way, especially after homecoming."

"It's not that," I replied after a moment. "It's – I'm still not sure how I feel about anything any more with this whole Arnold thing."

"It's fine. We sound like a really crappy movie, you know that?" Ralphie laughed a little. I smiled a little wider. "Anyway… do you want to watch TV or something until dinner?" It was 4 o'clock.

"Sure." I lay back on the bed, resting my back against the headboard. About ten minutes into _So I Married an Axe Murderer_, I was asleep.


	7. You'd Give it All for a Miracle

_Is there a trace inside her face of a lonely miracle?  
And so you wait and lie awake for a lonely miracle._

from "Miracle," by Vertical Horizon

**February 3, 2005  
5:50 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

Oddly enough, I was roused by Keesha loudly shushing Wanda. "Phoebe's sleeping!" I was awake but kept my eyes shut. I remembered Ralphie and I talking and I wanted to make sure I wasn't naked before I opened my eyes and saw the dreadful truth. Fortunately, my feet felt heavy and I concluded that I was wearing shoes, which meant I was probably wearing the rest of my clothes as well. I was also interested in where the "Phoebe's sleeping" conversation would go.

"Aww," a voice that sounded like Carlos said. "Tim, DA! Come look at this!"

"Don't, you'll embarrass her!" Keesha whispered.

"I told you it would work!" Wanda exclaimed quietly.

"Shh," Ralphie, who sounded louder than usual, said. Okay, I figured out that I was asleep on or around Ralphie. Good to know.

"Did she drool on you?" Arnold asked quietly. "She does that sometimes – or maybe it's just with me." I cringed a bit. Leave it to Arnold to embarrass me.

"You wish." Ralphie retorted. "She even snored a little."

"Aww," Carlos repeated. "Wake her up."

"We're hungry." Wanda whispered.

Ralphie wiggled his shoulder. "Hey, Phoebe, dinner time." I opened my eyes and was surprised at how close he was. I'd fallen asleep with my head on his chest, which explained that he sounded different. I glanced at his shirt and saw a small wet spot where I drooled and blushed a tiny bit.

"Sorry," I said quietly, sitting up and hoping no one would notice that I'd wet Ralphie's shirt.

"Good morning merry sunshine!" Wanda said in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.

"Don't make me punch you, Wanda." Keesha threatened.

"I love this movie!" Carlos exclaimed, letting himself fall on the bed and bouncing me more awake. I blinked a few times and looked at the TV. Mike Meyers was on the roof having his fingers hacked at by whoever that crazy lady was.

"Ready for dinner?" Keesha asked, smiling brightly at me.

"Let me comb my hair or something." I got up off the bed and went to my suitcase. Keesha followed me into the bathroom. "Do you mind?" I asked.

"So what happened?" Keesha asked eagerly.

"We talked and I fell asleep." I replied, fixing the part in my hair.

"What did you talk about?" Keesha prodded.

"Homecoming. Arnold. How you put Ralphie and Wanda in the same room after what happened at homecoming." I replied as I brushed the right side of my hair.

"Shit, I did." Keesha bit her lip. "Anyway, how did you get to sleeping on him?"

"We were watching the movie and I fell asleep." I explained plainly. "It was pretty mean of you to just leave us up here in the hotel room."

"Right." Keesha grinned. "And you hated it so much. Besides, he _offered _to stay behind with you. He has a pretty good fake."

"He does?" I looked over at her. I didn't realize that he could have gone with everyone else.

"Yep." She grinned. "So what did you have to say about homecoming?"

"He apologized for what he did," I still couldn't bring myself to say it, "and I apologized for being crazy." I began to French braid my hair.

"Did he tell you that taking you here was his idea, not mine?" She asked.

"No." I looked back at her and stopped braiding. "He said that you had talked to him about it – me – whatever, but that you hadn't put him up to anything."

"And?"

I couldn't help but grin uncontrollably. Keesha's pure enthusiasm was contagious. "And he says he likes me, but I have no idea what to do about it."

"I KNEW IT!" Keesha squealed and hugged me, which was awkward as I was still trying to braid my hair. "You guys are so cute…"

"I don't know though." I said, disappointed. "I'm still really hurt over Arnold and I don't want Ralphie to be a rebound."

"Carlos can count as your rebound." Keesha said after a minute. "He's a man-whore, so no harm, no foul. And as long as you don't rush anything, you should be okay." I smiled weakly. "You do like him, don't you?"

"I don't know." I pulled the braid over my shoulder a bit so I could finish it. "I'm not used to guys who aren't Arnold."

"Just take it slow." Keesha smiled. "And don't follow him around."

"Maybe you shouldn't follow me into the bathroom, you hypocrite." I teased.

"I wish you could see how much better you look now that you're losing your craziness!" Keesha kept beaming.

"Hey! Did you fall in?" Wanda asked, tapping at the door and coming in before we could answer. "Did you guys do it?" She whispered to me.

"NO!" Keesha and I replied in unison.

"They talked." Keesha explained excitedly. "And you're not allowed to have any tequila this weekend."

"Aww, why not?" Wanda asked sadly.

"You can't sleep with Ralphie." Keesha explained.

"Are they dating?" Wanda's eyes lit up.

"Not yet." Keesha replied.

"I'm right here." I reminded them.

"I know," Wanda looked at me. "So do you think that I'd better spend the night in your room?" She asked Keesha

"Sheesh, I just took a nap and this is some big deal?" I twisted the elastic around my thick hair and started on the other side.

"He told her he likes her," Keesha whispered to Wanda.

"How sweet," Wanda said quietly. "She looks less like a crazed maniac already!"

"I know!" Keesha exclaimed.

"What's going on?" DA asked, entering the bathroom.

"Ralphie told Phoebe he likes her," Wanda explained semi-quietly.

"I knew it!" DA squealed.

"What the hell are you all doing in there?" Arnold called.

"HAIR!" We replied in unison. DA adjusted her ponytail and divided it into sections to create a neat-looking loopy bun. Wanda was making her hair look funky in ways I didn't understand, and Keesha was mostly there for the gossip. Her hair was in a low ponytail, luckily for her.

"So how was the casino?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.

"I lost a lot of money." Wanda said.

"Everyone loses, it's the way the business works." Keesha assured.

"I won five dollars." DA offered.

"You lucky bitch!" Wanda yelled.

"That doesn't sound like a hair argument," Tim called.

"I'm hungry, let's go!" Ralphie complained.

I elbowed past Wanda and DA to the door. Ralphie was still lounging on the bed. Carlos and Tim were sitting on the other bed, watching TV. Arnold was standing at the door, shifting his weight. They all looked at me expectantly.

"Those bathrooms are way too small to fit four girls." I managed after a pause.

"That's why you go one at a time." Tim sighed. I didn't have anything clever to say.

"That's contrary to female nature!" Keesha protested, emerging from the bathroom. "GET OUT HERE, DA!" She bellowed.

"It's not just me! Wanda's in here too!" DA cried.

"I thought I'd give her a break." Keesha said.

"Yeah, DA," Wanda retorted. "Stop yelling at me!"

"Besides, we could always just leave Wanda behind." Arnold offered.

"No!" Wanda barreled out of the bathroom, running past DA, who was already halfway out the door. "Let me at that buffet!"

"Follow that Wanda!" Carlos cried, darting out of the room after her. I didn't know where to stand or what to do anymore, something I'd realized as I stepped out of the bathroom. I stood and watched my friends leave.

"Aren't you hungry?" Ralphie asked. My stomach growled loudly.

"Yes, it seems that I am." I smiled bashfully.

"Is everything okay?" We started walking to the door. I noticed he held the door open and locked it behind me. I was _not_ thinking anything along the lines of "what a guy."

"Yeah, I'm just confused still." I smiled. Ralphie smiled back at me. I was doing the "what a guy" face despite my best efforts.

"Let's take the stairs – we can catch up that way." Ralphie suggested. He started to run off toward the stairwell and I realized I'd expected him to grab my hand or something. I took off after him, thankful I'd kept up with running since I'd done track in high school. I got to the stairwell just as Ralphie did, and tried holding the door for him. "Go on," he urged.

"After you," I insisted.

"Fine." Ralphie started down the stairs. Unfortunately, I hadn't kept up on my stadiums. Running down five or six flights of stairs really brought back the memories. I was actually able to think back to high school without pining over Arnold, which was a good sign. If nothing else, maybe Ralphie would be the antidote to the crazy. I smiled a little. Things were going to be all right.

Then I realized I was about to run into a wall. I had been focusing so much on my sanity that I didn't notice that there were no more stairs to go down and I smacked my forehead against the wall. I fell backward, my arms covering my head, and landed hard on my butt.

"Are you okay?" Ralphie asked, stifling laughter. He offered a hand to help me up.

"I think I might have broken my ass." I took his hand and pulled myself up. "I wasn't thinking about the stairs."

"I can tell." Ralphie was still trying not to laugh. "Sorry, it was really funny."

"It could've been worse," I shrugged, amused at my clumsiness. "I could have fallen down a flight or two." Ralphie nodded.

"Are you feeling dizzy at all? Sleepy?" He asked.

"No, not really." I put my palm to my forehead.

"Tell me if you do, because you might have a concussion." He gently moved my hand aside. "It looks like you may get a bit of a bruise there, but nothing too bad. Just tell me if you get a bad headache or something." He paused for a minute. "Sorry, this is what happens when you play football and your mom's a doctor."

"I can imagine."

"Can you walk okay? Do you feel sick?" Ralphie kept asking. The door suddenly opened and hit him in the head.

"Sorry!" A man cried out before dashing up the stairs.

"No, how about you?" I asked, giggling.

"I'm fine. Let's get out of here before we get knocked out." Ralphie put his arm around my shoulders and walked me toward the buffet. We found our friends waiting by the entrance.

"So, what took you so long?" Keesha raised an eyebrow.

"We took the stairs, I hit my head, and then someone opened a door on Ralphie's." I explained.

"Normally I'd say that's a damned lie, but this is you we're talking about." She grinned.

* * *

**February 3, 2005  
6:22 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"I love food. Foodie, food, food. Here it goes down, down into my belly." Wanda sang as she devoured a chicken drumstick. "Mm-mm-mm."

"That is disgusting." I wrinkled my nose.

"I love… carpet." Carlos started. "I love lamp."

"Do you really love the lamp or are you just saying it because you saw it?" Arnold asked.

"I love lamp." Carlos murmured quickly.

"Are you ever going to stop quoting that movie?" DA asked.

"Maybe when it stops being funny." Ralphie smiled. "Have you seen _Anchorman_?" He asked me.

"No, I haven't." I replied.

"We have to watch it!" Ralphie's eyes lit up. "We have to educate Phoebe!"

"Do we have to?" DA sighed.

"You haven't even seen it all the way through!" Tim exclaimed.

"Mm, I want scotch." Wanda thought aloud. "Carlos, get me some scotch. Scotch for my belly."

"Didn't you bring any?" He asked. Wanda, Ralphie, and I were the only ones under 21, but that didn't stop Wanda. Nothing ever did.

"Shit! I forgot to put away the – my – underpants." Wanda winked at Carlos.

"I thought you didn't wear underpants." Keesha said skeptically. "Phoebe thought you'd give the couch crabs."

"Was she humping the couch?" Ralphie asked, his eyes wide.

"Probably," I shrugged. "She _was _dreaming."

"It was a lot of humping for me to process." Wanda insisted. "Let's go up to the room and unload the bags, shall we?"

She and Carlos stood up. "Hasta la vista, losers." Carlos waved.

"Hey, are you running out on the check?" Arnold asked.

"Have Ms. High Roller pay it. She won twelve dollars." Wanda waved.

DA sighed angrily. "Fine, I'll pay for her dinner."

"You can always get her back later." Keesha suggested.

"We could short-sheet her bed," Tim thought aloud.

"We could loosen the bed frame so it collapses while they're doing it." Arnold schemed.

"That would be so perfect!" Ralphie grinned. "I can just imagine what they'll say…"

"I have a video camera that we could set up." Tim leaned in. "Even if it was hidden so you couldn't see anything – I don't want to see anything – but the audio would be priceless!"

"Why do you have a video camera?" Keesha asked. "Are you two making porn?"

"No, it was mostly for the drive and for tomorrow – for fun, you know?" DA explained.

"So for the day sex." Ralphie chimed in.

"That too." Tim winked. DA pinched him. "So, are we done?"

"Pretty much," Keesha sat back and patted her stomach. "Will they put it on the bill?"

"Sure, make _us_ pay for it." Arnold said snidely.

"Only because you invited me!" Keesha teased. We all stood up and went toward the elevators. "Want to take the stairs, Phoebe?"

"No way," I folded my arms. "My head still hurts from the last time I did that."

"Mine too." Ralphie rubbed the back of his head.

"Are you feeling dizzy or anything?" I asked teasingly. "We don't want you to get a concussion."

"Oh shut up," Ralphie laughed. "I was trying to be nice!"

We went up to the rooms and Ralphie put the key in the lock.

"JUST A MINUTE!" A pair of voices cried.

"Oh great." Ralphie sighed.

"Um, Arnold?" I asked as he was the last to go in the room. "Can we come over for a while?" Arnold looked at me a bit skeptically.

"I'll buy _Anchorman_ and we can watch it." Ralphie negotiated.

"Sweet!" Arnold turned around, "Hey, we're watching _Anchorman_ tonight."

"Do we have to?" DA whined.

"Well Ralphie and Phoebe are coming over, so why not?" Arnold said. "Their room is occupied."

"Dang, they're fast." Keesha sighed. "We should invite them, though, to be nice." She paused for half a second before continuing. "I nominate Phoebe. It's what Wanda would want."

"FINE." I sighed. "Give me the key. Anyone want anything to drink?"

"No, I want to watch this." Tim got out his video camera.

"You sicko." Arnold shook his head.

"Hey, it's nothing half of Walkerville hasn't already seen." Tim rationalized.

"Ready or not, I'm going in." I put the key in the lock and clenched my eyes shut. "We're watching _Anchorman_ in the other room and you're invited once you're finished copulating," I announced.

"Big words, Phoebe!" Wanda cried.

"Did Wanda just cry out Phoebe's name during sex?" DA asked, puzzled. "I never thought that would happen."

"That wasn't yelling. Yelling would be like, 'OH! PHOEBE!'" Wanda moaned.

"That was disturbingly hot." Carlos wiped some sweat from his brow. "Now if you'll excuse us – wait, are you _videotaping_?"

"Shut the door! Hurry!" Tim cried.

"Let me out first!" I ran toward the door, my eyes still closed. I felt someone grab my arms and pull me out before the door shut.

"Don't worry," Tim called. "I'll make the censor bar bigger so you can still have some dignity!" The guys snickered.

* * *

**February 4, 2005  
12:21 a.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"Did you like it?" Ralphie asked me eagerly.

"I have never laughed so hard in my life." I panted.

"I didn't know it was so _funny_!" DA exclaimed.

"I told you it was brilliant!" Tim grinned.

"It wasn't brilliant, it was dumb," DA corrected.

"Genius," I exhaled hard, "it's pure comedic genius." Carlos and Wanda had never joined us, and I was hesitant to go back in the room. Besides, I'd made myself comfortable on Keesha's bed next to Ralphie. The movie had put me in a fantastic mood, which was boosted by the fact that I was getting attention from a guy who wasn't Arnold. I was still worried that Ralphie would end up deciding that this was a mistake, but he still hadn't had the deer in the headlights look that Carlos had given me. We did have the rest of the weekend, but Ralphie wasn't showing any signs of regret. I knew that sooner or later, I'd be drawn into another "conference" with Keesha, which was fine as I now wanted to discuss what I'd be wearing the next evening. I'd brought my homecoming dress and my red prom dress, but I didn't know that I wanted to wear either of those any more. I felt almost like a different person. I was calmer, happier, and less neurotic – and this was only after one day. It was weird to hear myself flirting with Ralphie.

"It's too bad Wanda and Carlos weren't here," Arnold mused. "They remind me of Brick." We laughed. No one was really all that tired. "Hey, could I get a beer?"

"They're in the other room and I'm not going." I insisted. "I already laid myself out on the line once for you guys."

"I think your room has become the designated sex room." Keesha smirked at me.

"And that's why you put _me_ in there?" I laughed. "You're crazy."

"Let's go swimming!" Tim suggested. "Oh wait, the pool's probably closed."

"We could go anyway." DA suggested, to everyone's surprise. "What? Someone has to make Wanda's borderline-insane suggestions while she's busy." Normally I would've gotten up to go get Wanda and Carlos at that point, but Keesha beat me to it.

"I'm kind of sleepy," I said, laying down on the bed.

"You could just lay out by the side of the pool," DA offered.

"It's the middle of the night," Ralphie laughed. "No wonder Phoebe's so pale if she's been following your advice." He lightly poked my stomach where my shirt had ridden up and I instantly covered it, slightly embarrassed.

"Which you can't even follow yourself," Arnold pointed out. DA had a golden tan year-round.

"So, when's the movie starting?" Wanda asked, entering the room.

"Let's watch it again!" DA's eyes lit up.

"Not now! I don't think my abs can take any more laughing." I patted my stomach.

"How about we just watch something on TV?" Arnold suggested.

"Who wants something to drink?" Carlos asked, bringing in a six-pack of Bacardi. "Ladies first." He offered me a bottle, but I declined.

"Where's my shot?" Keesha inquired, taking a bottle. "The one you owe me for my birthday?"

"You could take it off Wanda. That would be hot." Carlos mused.

"I don't think so," Arnold interrupted. "I veto Keesha taking body shots off Wanda."

"You're no fun, Arnold." Wanda stuck her tongue out.

"So, are you ready for the dance tomorrow?" Keesha asked me slyly.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Only I need your opinion about my dress really quick."

"I'm going to steal her for a second." Keesha smiled at Ralphie. "I'll bring her back."

"Okay," Ralphie said. Keesha dragged me across the hall.

"You guys are so cute it's disgusting." She said to me.

"There is no 'us,'" I tried. "We aren't together or anything."

"You will be," Keesha grinned evilly.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, remembering how Carlos had bolted and told me it was all a mistake. Even if I had no romantic feelings for him, which I didn't, it still stung.

"Have you seen the way he looks at you?" Keesha asked. I dug in my suitcase and pulled out my red prom dress. It wasn't a full ball gown, but the skirt was pretty fluffy. "That's all you have?"

"This and my dress from homecoming, and I don't really want to revisit that." I held it up and shook it a little. "I haven't worn this in years."

"You were so planning to bag Arnold, weren't you?" Keesha raised her eyebrows.

"Maybe, I don't know." I said, slipping out of my jeans and stepping into the dress. "Zip me – in a second," I pulled my polo shirt over my head. "Okay."

"So… you're really excited, then?" Keesha asked, zipping up my dress.

"A little, sure." I confessed. "I'm kind of nervous."

"Why?" Keesha got to my ribcage and started tugging.

"I don't know – I'm going with a different guy, I'm afraid he'll run off and say it's all a mistake," I furrowed my brow. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Keesha said, her voice a bit strained. "The zipper's just stuck. And Ralphie isn't Carlos. He's a lot of things, but definitely not Carlos."

"I love how everyone knows about that now." I rolled my eyes.

"There," Keesha stepped back. "All zipped."

"Um, I think something's wrong." I said, looking down. "My boobs are squished."

"They weren't before?" Keesha asked, confused.

"My boobs got bigger? YES!" I cried. "I knew that being on the pill was going to do some good!"

"You're on birth control?" Keesha asked, her mouth agape.

"For mood swings, zits, and Arnold." I said nonchalantly. It felt good to not have to tap-dance around the subject anymore. "I bought new bras a while ago, but I didn't think about that when I packed this dress."

"Congrats!" Keesha hugged me. "You need a new dress anyway; one that doesn't have Arnold-baggage with it."

"Oh, and is Wanda supposed to lend me one?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, we'll pitch in and get you one." Keesha beamed. "We'll go first thing in the morning."

"It _is_ first thing in the morning." I looked at the clock. It was nearly 1.

"Okay, then go to bed." She smiled. "Hang on." She darted across the room. "Guess what? Phoebe's actually outgrown her prom dress!" I put my palm to my face.

"She got taller?" Wanda asked.

"No!" Keesha argued. "She got BOOBS!"

"Hooray!" DA cheered. I reached around for the zipper and unzipped myself. I was standing in my underwear when Carlos burst in.

"SHE'S NAKED!" He turned around and ran out. "I'm blind!"

"I'm not!" I cried, "But still don't come in." I dug in my bag for my pajamas, only to find I'd forgotten them. I dug further to no avail. As far as pants went, I'd only brought jeans. I pulled the jeans I'd been wearing all day back on and ventured into the other room.

"I thought you were putting your pajamas on," Keesha said loudly.

"About that," I steered her aside and lowered my voice. "I forgot them."

"You'll have to sleep naked then." Keesha smirked. "You have no choice!"

"You horndog," I slugged her in the arm. "I have a choice. Do you have anything I could borrow?"

"The better question is would I let you borrow anything?" She winked.

"Keesha, please?" I pleaded.

"I don't have anything, sorry. Maybe Wanda does – she packed enough."

"I have a teddy," Wanda offered.

"That would be like a camisole on me." I scowled.

"You don't have any ass to cover." Wanda pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to be covered," I countered.

"I have some board shorts," DA offered. "They might be too big." DA's hips were about twice as big as mine, which didn't say much as I hardly had hips at all.

"That'll work, if you don't mind." I smiled weakly. "I can buy some shorts or something tomorrow." I knew I'd brought an extra t-shirt, I just couldn't find it.

"We're going shopping first thing, then." Keesha plotted. "It'll be awesome."

"Right." I went back into the room and pulled on DA's shorts. I took everything out of the bag and put it on the bed, periodically fixing the shorts that kept slipping. My t-shirt wasn't anywhere to be found. Wanda, Carlos, and Ralphie came in. "Have you seen my red t-shirt?" I asked.

"This one?" Wanda held it up. It was wrinkled and had some kind of smudge on it. "I borrowed it." She looked around innocently.

"Oh sick." I sighed. "Only give it back after you've washed it."

"Sorry," Wanda looked down. "Are you sure you don't want to wear my teddy?"

"What?" Ralphie asked, sounding floored.

"I forgot to bring pajamas." I sighed, turning around. "And I'm not sleeping naked or in anything of Wanda's – not that there's much of a difference."

"Aww," Carlos sounded let-down.

"You can borrow mine." Ralphie offered.

"You're not sleeping naked." Carlos ordered.

"I can sleep in a t-shirt and boxers, it's no big deal." Ralphie shrugged and handed me a pair of navy blue sweat pants and a gray New York Mets shirt. "I hope you like the Mets."

"I'm more of a Red Sox fan myself, but it'll work." I smiled. "Thanks so much. I owe you." I headed toward the bathroom to change.

"You're welcome. Besides, uh, DA's shorts don't really – fit." He replied. I was well aware that my hips were insufficient in keeping my pants up. Fortunately, the sweatpants had a drawstring and I was able to tie them tightly enough to stay on. Ralphie's shirt made me look like I'd shrunk in the wash, but also brought back memories of stealing Arnold's shirts. I sniffed the gray fabric. It definitely smelled different. Ralphie didn't wear cologne as much as Arnold did; instead, his shirt smelled like Old Spice and fabric softener. I smiled a bit and felt butterflies in my stomach. There was no denying that I liked him now. I pulled the elastics out of my hair and let it hang loosely over my shoulders.

"What's taking you so long?" Wanda pounded on the door. "Why do you need to dress in the bathroom anyway?"

"Some of us don't enjoy running around in our underwear!" I opened the door. "I'm going to brush my teeth." Before I got out of the bathroom, Wanda grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"Aww, you're in Ralphie's pants." She smirked and looked at me in the mirror. "And this is how you're going to look the morning after you two do it." She mussed my hair up.

"SHUT UP!" I swatted her hand away from my head. I grabbed my toothbrush off the counter and squeezed some toothpaste onto the bristles. Wanda kept taunting me in a low voice.

Ralphie appeared at the door of the bathroom. "Wow, it's a party in here." He reached for his toothbrush as well.

"I want to come!" Carlos protested, bouncing off the bed and running to join us. "This could be fun," he looked around, assessing the bathroom.

"Not now!" I insisted, trying to keep toothbrush and paste in my mouth. Apparently this bathroom required four people in it most of the time. At last I was finished and I spit out my paste. "We're going to go shopping tomorrow morning, so I'm going to bed." I said. I went over to the bed and realized again that I'd have to negotiate something with Ralphie. Falling asleep incidentally wasn't the same as going to bed – we hadn't planned anything out. Ralphie left the bathroom soon after and shut the door. "That might have been a bad idea…" I warned.

"Shutting the door?" Ralphie didn't seem worried. "Oh well. So… do you want me to sleep on the floor?"

"No!" I replied quickly. "You don't have to. I mean I'm okay with it if you don't." I didn't want to get in a huge awkward faux argument.

"Are you sure?" Ralphie asked earnestly. I nodded. I pulled the sheets back on the side nearer Wanda and Carlos' bed and sat down on the bed. Ralphie had done the same. It was bizarre, like I'd entered another world.

"Sorry, this is kind of really awkward." I explained. "I mean, I'm sleeping in your bed, wearing your clothes…"

"Don't worry about it," Ralphie smiled. "I just don't want to push you into anything or – or anything."

"You aren't." I assured. "I'm having fun with you." I put my arm around his waist and gave him a half-hug, which he reciprocated instantly.

"Me too." He said, laying down on the bed. I looked over at him and smiled. Without pausing to think, I laid my head on Ralphie's chest, the way I'd woken up earlier.


	8. I'll Take my Chances

_Once I thought my innocence was gone. Now I know that happiness goes on.  
That's where you found me: when you put your arms around me...  
I haven't been there for the longest time.  
_

from "The Longest Time," by Billy Joel

**February 4, 2005  
9:41 a.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"PHOEBE!" Wanda yelled in my ear. I sat straight up. "Let's go!" I blinked a few times. Wanda, Keesha, and DA were standing right in my face.

"Can I get dressed first?" I asked, yawning.

"But you look so cute in Ralphie's clothes." DA cooed.

"Shh, you'll wake him up." I whispered. Ralphie rolled over. "Okay, I'm coming." I got out of bed and grabbed a red polo shirt out of my bag. I put my bra on and took off Ralphie's Mets shirt.

"She's changing in front of boys!" Keesha cocked an eyebrow. "She's a new woman."

"They're sleeping, they can't see!" I hissed.

"That's what you think," Ralphie said. I put the shirt up over my chest. "I'm kidding! I wasn't looking!"

"Ralphie!" DA exclaimed.

"Whatever," Keesha rolled her eyes, "You were watching. Put the shirt on, Phoebe. I'll keep an eye on Peeping Tom here."

"Where are you going this early?" Ralphie asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Shopping," Wanda said happily. I sat down behind the bed and pulled my jeans on quickly. "Phoebe's boobs outgrew her dress, did you hear?"

"Mm-hmm," he yawned. "I'm going back to sleep. Have fun." I ran into the bathroom and brushed my teeth while I stepped into my flip flops and grabbed my purse. At last, I was ready to go. I paused at the door for a moment and looked back before leaving.

"What, no goodbye kiss?" Keesha taunted.

**February 3, 2005  
10:23 a.m.  
Boulevard Mall  
Las Vegas, NV**

"I'm going to look for pajama pants." I said as we walked into a large department store.

"Dress first, pajamas later." Keesha grabbed my arm.

"Yeah, you could always end up sleeping naked tonight," Wanda grabbed the other arm. I felt like we were in _The Wizard of Oz_. Wanda would make the perfect Scarecrow. DA took Wanda's arm. "But that all depends on your dress. Hey! That one's sexy!" She pointed to a tiny, tight halter dress that may have passed for a long t-shirt on me.

"No way." DA said. "She'd look ridiculous."

"But it would look fantastic on your floor!" Wanda nudged me with her elbow.

"She has to wear it first, you know." Keesha glared at Wanda, who was attracting stares from the Saturday morning mall crowd.

"I wish you guys would stop acting like this is such a big deal," I mused as we got to the formal wear section. "It's not the first date I've been on."

"But it's like you're losing your virginity – your non-Arnold virginity!" Wanda proclaimed more loudly than I would have preferred. "Ooh, we should pick something out for her and make her wear it."

"That's a great idea!" DA exclaimed.

"I have veto power." The girls looked at me, disappointed.

"Fine." Keesha sighed. "Sit on that bench."

"No!" DA held a hand out to stop me. "Stand up so I can see."

"Can we get breakfast after this?" I yawned.

"We've known Phoebe for years. Why doesn't she go into a dressing room and try stuff on?" Wanda suggested. "I'll make a keep or leave decision, and then we can narrow it down from there."

"That's brilliant!" DA was dumbfounded. "How on earth did you come up with that?"

"It's my one good idea of the month." Wanda grinned. "Take these to start out with."

* * *

Two hours later, decision time was imminent. "I think you should go with this one." DA held up a banana-colored strapless dress with a huge tulle skirt. The bodice had a layered look to it, making it look like the top one had split due to ample bosoms so the bottom had to be added. It supposedly gave me the "illusion of a chest." 

"I didn't like that one," I groaned. "It's too puffy." I was starving to death and ready to kill my friends, who couldn't pick out a dress for me.

"But the other one's so much like mine," DA complained.

"The back of yours is more va-va-voom." Keesha said. "This one's less prom and more sophisticated. It gets my vote." Keesha was talking about a red silk dress with a pleated bust and wide straps that criss-crossed in the back. It had an A-line skirt and had made me feel elegant when I'd tried it on. It looked more like something a movie star would wear, and that drew me to it.

"Which do you like better?" DA asked me, holding up the two dresses.

"Well I like the red one because then I can go through doors, but I don't know if I can pull it off." I said.

"It's decided! To the register!" Keesha pointed.

"But – I – oh hell, let's get lunch." I sighed.

* * *

**February 3, 2005  
3:07 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"Beer, tummy; tummy, beer." Wanda said before gulping down a few mouthfuls. "Oh nasty. I need some liquor before I can handle this stuff." She went into the fridge and got out the bottle of vanilla rum and took a swig. "That's better." She picked the beer up again and started to finish it.

"Wanda, we've got two hours left to get ready." DA sighed. "Aren't you frustrated with her?" She asked me.

"I'm used to it." I shrugged. Keesha was carefully putting my hair in hot rollers.

"Don't move." She ordered. She'd already put her dress on – a silk dress made of a retro floral print in shades of orange, blue, and brown. It would've looked terrible on any of us, but Keesha pulled it off beautifully. She was in charge of hairdressing, as usual, and was running around in heels at that. She never ceased to amaze me. "Last one's in. DA, sit." I got up quickly and went toward the bathroom, where Wanda was wrestling with her gown.

"Could you help me, Pheebs?" She asked as she tried to work out the tangle of straps on her dress. Apparently she'd already finished her beer.

"Sure." I said. "So have you been having fun with Carlos?"

"Oh definitely!" Wanda exclaimed. "He's kind of a tiger, if you know what I mean."

"Is he worth all that talk?" I wondered.

"He's not bad." Wanda thought a moment. "He's smaller than you'd think."

"Yeah he is," Keesha laughed. "He talks big, but… well, we love him anyway."

"Hey, I thought he was pretty great." DA looked up at Keesha without moving her head. "But I definitely prefer Tim."

"Let's hope so." I smiled.

"So who's getting some tonight?" Wanda asked. "ME!" She raised her hand quickly. I pushed it back down so I could continue working on her dress.

"Me!" DA giggled.

"Who knows? I hear a lot of good things about Arnold." Keesha said, almost wickedly.

"Do they involve me screaming?" Wanda asked. "Because I believe I've screamed good things about Arnold."

"You have, my friend." I laughed.

"What about you?" DA asked. She and Keesha gave me the same prying look.

"I don't think so." I said, suddenly uncomfortable. I was thinking about Arnold again, even if I didn't entirely want to.

"Are you kidding?" Wanda turned around, completely messing up my work at untangling her. "I'd bet money that you'd be first!"

"That's why you keep losing when you gamble, Wanda," DA stated. "You're just a little off."

"They'll get there." Keesha smiled at me. "And I think you'll find it's worth the wait."

"Oh really?" I asked, both curious and terrified. I wasn't thinking so much about Arnold anymore. "Why's that?"

"He's not too bad. In fact, he's pretty damn good." Keesha grinned. "Aww, I made Phoebe blush."

"Like that's hard," DA said sarcastically.

"I'd offer some help, but I don't really remember." Wanda turned around again. "Or I don't remember who did what."

"Stop moving!" I insisted. "I'm trying to figure this dress out!"

"Sorry." Wanda said. "From what I remember though, I was surprised at how good he was. He was almost as good as Arnold. Carlos is okay, especially for the wild stuff. Carlos actually wins at kinky sex." She kept on talking. "Ralphie and Arnold are more into the cuddling scene; Ralphie more than Arnold, but that could be my fault. I didn't ever feel like cuddling with Arnold, but I remember Ralphie falling asleep naked on me and I couldn't get him off - heh, I mean, I could, but you know..."

My mouth went dry and I couldn't say anything.

"Tim's got the balance worked out," DA mused. "Just enough of the romanticism and the raw lust…"

"You're making me horny, DA," Wanda warned.

"Stop before she humps your leg." Keesha suggested.

"I'd do it too." Wanda smiled.

"There." I said. "You're all dressed."

"Sweet!" Wanda cried. "Now it's time for the shoes." She grabbed a hold of my shoulder with her right hand and pressed her left hand against the wall.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I need a boost." Wanda insisted, grabbing my arm tighter as she climbed into her three-and-a-half-inch heels. "Now I look sexy."

"Those shoes are huge!" I cried. Wanda's gown was a criss-cross of strategically placed black straps, which could have been a train wreck, but was perfectly suited for Wanda. "What are you doing for your hair?"

"You can't help me," Wanda beamed. "Only hair-master Keesha can do my hair."

"You're ready for me already?" Keesha sighed. "Phoebe, do the rest of DA's hair in rollers, will you?"

"Sure," I said and took over Keesha's job. "So you're convinced I'm going to get some, then?"

"It depends," Keesha tried to say over Wanda's resounding "YES."

"On what?" DA asked.

"Ralphie's not going to push her into doing anything, and I mean _anything_." Keesha said. "He gets really wimpy with girls. Case in point." She looked at us and cocked her head. "I practically had to beat it out of him when he wanted to ask me out."

"Okay… so you're saying Phoebe's fate is in her own hands?" DA gasped a bit. "That's a scary thought."

"Why?" I demanded. "I can take charge. I kissed Arnold yesterday."

"When?" Keesha asked, trying to focus on Wanda's hair.

"At the truck stop, just before he cut it all off." I explained. "And I don't think I could kiss two guys in the same weekend. That's just too close together." Wanda busted up laughing.

"Phoebe, you non-virgin prude!" Wanda laughed. "You've got to loosen up! You're going to have to grow some balls – or ovaries or whatever they're called – and plant one on him. I'd do it for you, but it'd freak him out."

"A little," DA said sarcastically.

"Gee, Wanda, you're such a great pal." I added.

"I do what I can." She sounded pleased.

"There's the last one." I said to DA. "Want help with your dress?"

"Sure." DA stepped into her pink dress that hugged her waist and butt. It had a gorgeous bustle in the back and a deep plunging neckline. She put on a sticky bra and I fastened the back a bit.

"You look awesome!" I said, smiling. "Except for your hair."

"Yours doesn't look too hot either." DA giggled. "We look like cranky housewives."

"Give me a minute here!" Keesha sighed. "Okay, you're done, Wan. I'm going to work on my hair now, if you don't mind." Wanda's hair was in a bunch of funky and incomprehensible twists. There was no way I could've helped.

"I'll do Phoebe's makeup!" Wanda's eyes glinted and she moved awkwardly my way. "Damn, I forgot to break these in!"

"I wonder what the guys are doing now," I thought aloud.

"They're at the pool, probably. They went sometime today, I can guarantee it." DA said, grabbing some makeup. "Tim's wanted to go."

"He wants to sex you in the hot tub." Wanda added.

"Stop before you start humping someone's leg." Keesha warned. "Don't make me squirt you with the spray bottle."

"Oh, fine." Wanda smiled. "I'd start drinking, but I have to make you look pretty."

"She already does look pretty." DA insisted. "And you're plastered."

"Maybe." Wanda said. "I'll just keep drinking then."

"Don't get near me with that eyeliner," I warned.

"It's okay. I'm a drunken master." Wanda proclaimed. "I am a makeup ninja!"

"For crying out loud, Wanda, just have another drink." Keesha sighed.

"We'll get you a new liver on the way home." I closed my eyes while DA smeared goop all over my face. I never wore makeup. "Go easy on it, will you? I don't want to look like a clown."

"Make her look like a clown!" Wanda laughed. "DO IT!"

DA didn't respond. She carefully painted eyeshadow on my eyelids instead.

"Fine, I'm going next door." Wanda stood up. "Oh shit, I'm wearing heels!" She cried as she teetered.

"Let her go." Keesha said quietly as she twisted a lock of hair around a curling iron. "She'll be fine."

"Our poor neighbors probably can't wait for us to leave." I said sympathetically.

"They'll live." DA said.

We continued to chitchat until DA's curlers were completely cold. Keesha took out our curlers, adjusted our hair, and sprayed it with all kinds of stuff for various reasons. "All right, my pretties," Keesha smiled. "It's time to go."

* * *

**February 4, 2005  
6:12 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

Keesha practically pushed me across the hall. "My shoes!" I hissed. "I'm not wearing shoes!"

"Oh." Keesha turned around. DA grabbed the door before it shut and I rushed in and pulled on some low heels. Ralphie was only an inch or so taller than I, so I didn't want to dwarf him. I looked at myself in the mirror and was glad I had trusted my friends with dressing me. "Phoebe!" She called.

"I'm coming." I said, grabbing my evening purse and walking toward the door of the hotel room, suddenly very nervous. The door to the other room was propped open, and Arnold had already come out. I could see Tim in the room, getting his wallet. Carlos and Wanda were in the hall, making out.

"For you," Arnold grinned, handing Keesha a pink rose. "You look lovely." My stomach twisted a bit. Arnold always was charming in one way or another. I found myself smiling at Keesha though. Looking directly at Arnold would be painful for a while, but I was still happy for Keesha.

"Have you seen my wallet?" Ralphie called from the room.

"No!" Arnold called back.

"Never mind, I found it!" Wanda had walked over to me.

"I told you it would work," She said through teeth clenched in a smile. "You run into things, forget things, and…" I had stopped paying attention. Ralphie was wearing a black suit that was obviously nice, though maybe not as edgy or fashionable as Tim's or Arnold's. I hadn't seen him wear a tie very often, but instead of something cheesy, which was completely his thing, he wore a solid red tie tucked into a black pinstripe vest. His normally somewhat messy hair was neatly combed and parted. I was a bit relieved that I was more excited to see him smile than I was about anything Arnold did.

"You look great," I said quietly, gingerly stepping closer.

"Thanks," Ralphie looked down at me and grinned. "You look – awesome."

"How'd you know I was wearing a red dress?" I asked, looking at his tie.

"DA told me." Ralphie smiled. "She called me when it was between red and yellow."

"She was the only one who wanted the yellow dress." I smiled. "I looked like a Peep." We laughed a little awkwardly.

"Let's eat!" Wanda cried. She was already drunk, as was Carlos. "Unless you want to pre-game it a little, Ralphie?" She took a flask from Arnold and offered it to Ralphie. Apparently it had made the rounds already.

"Nah," he said. "Last time I did that, I ended up really miserable."

"You so weren't," Wanda argued. "That was the happiest I've ever seen you."

"I meant the next _day_." Ralphie insisted. "Let's go." I linked my right arm around his left. "Sorry it keeps coming up." He said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about me," I said, and put my left hand on his arm without thinking. "I feel bad for _you_."

"Yeah, I wish Wanda would shut up sometimes." Ralphie raised his voice a little.

"Ain't gonna happen." Keesha shook her head. She'd put the rose Arnold had given her in her hair and trimmed the stem. Being Keesha, she looked amazing.

* * *

**February 4, 2005  
8:42 p.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"So when did you learn to dance?" I asked.

"I took ballroom dance with Carlos. He wanted to meet girls." He explained. "Besides, I get sick of swaying back and forth in place."

"Yeah," I wondered why I'd never been sick of it. "Thanks again for asking me."

"Thanks for coming." He countered. "I hope this whole trip hasn't been too much for you."

"I don't think it has," I bit my lower lip. "It hasn't been as eventful as – well, you know."

"Well you did have to walk in on Carlos and Wanda. I would have offered to do it, but I didn't think I could handle it."

"I guess I'm desensitized." I released my lip from my teeth and grinned. "This is after Wanda and Arnold had sex on my bed, too."

"I forgot about that!" Ralphie exclaimed. "You haven't had it easy, have you?"

"Not really, but it was mostly my fault." I shrugged. "Part of me knew that it was all over between Arnold and me, you know? But part of me was holding on to the stupid memories I had with him."

"Right,"

"Like how sweet he was when we first got together," I mused. "I drove him home after musical one night and he kissed me for the first time on my porch. It was so perfect. Our whole relationship seemed so perfect; I couldn't believe it was all over." I realized that talking about Arnold may not have been the best idea. "Did you ever feel that way with Keesha?"

"I guess. I liked her for a while before we actually started dating." Ralphie looked away. "But I didn't really romanticize it all that much."

"Was she your first kiss?"

"No," Ralphie looked away.

"Who was it?" I asked. Ralphie blushed.

"It was Janet." He said, looking at the floor. "I was fifteen."

"Really?" I smiled widely. "I didn't know that."

"No one really does." He looked up at me sheepishly. "I had a huge crush on her and we were watching some movie – maybe it was _Titanic_ – at her house and I went to kiss her, but I didn't know to keep my mouth shut."

"Really?" I exclaimed, laughing a little.

"I basically slobbered all over her face and she threatened to tell everyone." Ralphie smiled a little. "I had to pay her off." I had to cover my mouth with my left hand to muffle my laughter. "It was so embarrassing."

"They were right," I admitted after a minute. "We've got more in common than it seems."

"Why? Did you slobber all over Janet too?" Ralphie pulled me in closer. He was smiling wide and laughing.

"No," I giggled. "But once, while Arnold and I were – intimate, Janet walked in on us and threatened to spread naked pictures of me around school if we didn't pay her off."

"No wonder she had such a nice car." Ralphie laughed.

"I've done all kinds of stupid things like that, though." I said, taking his right hand again. "Once I was at dinner with my family and realized that I had some – uh – stuff crusted on my face."

"What happened?" Ralphie asked.

"Well, my mom noticed, so I told her my skin was peeling from some face wash." I blushed a little. "I don't know if she believed me."

"I had to try to explain to my mom why I wanted another family doctor without revealing to her that I'd had sex," Ralphie recounted. "She figured it out and wouldn't look at me for a week."

"I bet!" I laughed. "I like your mom, though."

"Yeah, she's pretty cool." Ralphie smiled and put his right hand on my waist so we were dancing closer. I could smell his cologne a lot better. I looked around the room and saw Keesha giving me a thumbs-up as she and Arnold were dancing. I smirked a bit, then Arnold gave me a thumbs-up as well. I knew he was every bit as handsome as he'd ever been, but I didn't feel as attached any more. I sighed happily. "What?" Ralphie tilted his head toward mine.

"Keesha and Arnold are approving." I looked over at him. Even the tiniest movements made a huge difference when we were this close together. "And I think I'm getting over it."

"I'm approving back." Ralphie said. I felt his hand leave the small of my back. "And I'm glad… obviously."

"You wouldn't have any selfish reasons for that, would you?" I asked snidely.

"Who, me? Never!" He smiled. I wished that we were having the conversation we'd had the night before again, because at last I felt like I could honestly reciprocate his feelings. I remembered Keesha telling me that I'd have to be forward with him. I bit my lip and thought for a moment. At last, I had an idea.

"I think I'd like a drink," I said quietly. "You know, if I may."

"Of course!" Ralphie took a step back. "Why?" He raised an eyebrow.

"All this stuff makes me nervous." I confessed.

"What stuff?" Ralphie inquired.

"You know." I replied. He was going to make me say it. "Being on a date and everything."

"So you're going to get a drink so you can deal with it?" He tilted his head a little.

"Not in a way that makes me sound like Wanda," I argued. "I just want to –"

"Fuck me like an animal?" Ralphie suggested. I turned red. "Come on, just say what you're going to say." He put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. "It can't be worse than what I just suggested, right?"

"Right." I smiled half-heartedly and took a deep breath. "I like you a lot."

"That's it?" He asked. I looked at the floor and wouldn't look up. "That wasn't so bad."

"Well, don't you have something to say?" I asked my feet. "You know, aren't you going to tell me if – you know."

"Hey, I had to wait a whole 24 hours for you." He tilted his head so he could look at me.

"I hate to interrupt this tender moment," Keesha said, "but you two may want to head to the wedding chapel."

"Whoa," Ralphie let go of me and focused entirely on Keesha. "Can't it wait?" I smiled.

"Long story short, there's a wedding you need to be at." Keesha stated.

"Phew," Ralphie sighed and put his arm around my waist as we walked toward the chapel.


	9. Married

_Bells will ring, the sun will shine. I'll be his and he'll be mine.  
We'll love until the end of time and we'll never be lonely any more._

from "The Chapel of Love," by the Dixie Cups

**February 4, 2005  
10:47 p.m.  
Canterbury Wedding Chapel  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"I think this is the first time Carlos has been in anything resembling a church in years," Ralphie whispered to me. I giggled.

"Who would've guessed that either of them would get married at all, forget about being first?" I wondered. It was truly bizarre to think of Carlos and Wanda at the altar - together. Both were good at having some wits about them while drunk, but then again, they were getting married.

"I give it an hour." Arnold whispered.

"I don't know," I replied. "Maybe they'll realize they've made the best mistake of their lives."

"Gee, what a happy story, Phoebe," Keesha imitated me. "It won't last past morning."

'Hey, you never know!" Ralphie defended me.

"Aww, he's so loyal." Tim smiled. "Like a dog."

"Be nice, Tim," DA warned, grinning.

"I like dogs." Ralphie replied and looked at me.

"Me too. How's Rosie, by the way?" I asked. Rosie was the Tennellis' St. Bernard that they'd raised from a puppy. She had been Ralphie's tenth birthday present.

"Really, really old." Ralphie replied. "Mom promised to call me when she had to put her down though. You remember her?"

"She and Daisy used to play, remember?" I asked. Daisy was our Golden Retriever who'd passed away five years earlier.

"Right!" Ralphie's eyes lit up. "I don't think Rosie can see or hear much any more."

"I'm sorry," I put my arm around him. "It's hard to lose a dog. Do you remember Cici at all? You probably never met her… but she was hit by a car just after I transferred from my old school."

"That's terrible!" Ralphie hugged me. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I smiled weakly.

"Why are you two talking about dogs dying?" Keesha sighed.

"Aw, Pheebs, don't bring Cici up at a time like this," Arnold nearly whined. "That's so depressing." The music began and we stood up for Wanda's entrance.

Arnold began to have uncontrollable fits of laughter beginning at "dearly beloved," and it didn't help that love was mentioned so many times in a wedding ceremony. They looked so sincere, if sappily drunk, and I was convinced that it would work. They had been inseparable since we'd headed to Vegas. Besides, it had a lot in common with a shotgun wedding and many of those had worked out just beautifully. At last, the ceremony was over and we all stood and cheered. The photographer took pictures of the happy couple, and, at their insisting, the rest of us as well.

"They're the wedding party," Wanda explained.

"Party!" Carlos cried. "Come on, gentlemen, I'll buy you a round of drinks!"

"Have fun." I smiled at Ralphie.

"So, Wanda," DA started as we left the chapel and headed back to the room. DA was holding the bouquet and the various licensing paperwork. "How does it feel to be married?"

"Great!" Wanda said enthusiastically. "I feel so responsible now."

Keesha nearly peed herself laughing. "Sorry – but you said you felt responsible." Keesha panted between bursts of laughter.

"I think it's cute." I looked at Keesha fiercely. "Good for you, Wanda."

"Thanks, Phoebe," Wanda put an arm around me. "I knew you'd understand."

"Do you get a bridal suite or anything?" DA asked.

"No, we went for the cheap package as it was a bit of an impulse thing." Wanda replied as though she was the marriage expert now. "Though I guess I could kick Phoebe and Ralphie out,"

"Um, I'd really rather you didn't." I said weakly. "I mean, we did pay for half of that room."

"It could be your wedding gift?" Wanda asked.

"You can't get wedding gifts right away when you elope," Keesha said flatly. We arrived at our room. "Let's get some champagne out!"

"We don't have any," DA said, looking into the fridge. "Will Smirnoff work?"

"I love vodka!" Wanda cried. "Gimme a cherry one!" She grabbed a watermelon-flavored vodka and started drinking. "My tummy is pleased!"

"So, Mrs. Ramon, do you want to go back and dance?" I asked nicely before Keesha or DA could point out the flavor discrepancy.

"Not yet." Wanda beamed. She loved being in charge and in the center of attention. "I want to throw the bouquet!"

"Um, okay." Keesha raised an eyebrow as Wanda handed it to DA and pointed.

"You're next!" Wanda proclaimed and laughed.

"That's not exactly how it works, Wanda." I said quietly.

"I know, but I'm doing it my way!" Wanda laughed. "Oh man, I gotta go puke." She ran into the bathroom.

"Lovely." DA said matter-of-factly.

"Let's loosen the leg of the bed!" Keesha said quickly.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Like they were talking about last night!" DA remembered. "Oh this is going to be good! I have to get Tim's video camera."

"Are you sure it's a good idea? They just got married!" I protested.

"It's a great idea," Keesha insisted, darting out of the room.

"You keep Wanda occupied!" DA ordered and rushed out as well. I sighed and went into the bathroom. Wanda was kneeling in front of the toilet, as was to be expected.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I think I just got the wedding jitters." Wanda sounded nauseated.

"Would you like some water? There are some bottles in the fridge." I offered.

"Please." Wanda smiled. "Thanks for believing in me, Phoebe."

"Oh, Wanda," I put an arm around her. "I believe in you."

"Get me the water, please?" Wanda sounded really sick. I ran out to find Keesha halfway under the bed with a small toolbox open beside it.

"Is this the right bed?" Keesha asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm getting her water."

"Good plan!" DA smiled as she put the camera in place. "I'm putting it on a timer." I nodded, grabbed the bottle of water and went back in the bathroom. I twisted the cap open and handed it to Wanda.

"Could I get more booze?" Wanda asked.

"Not until you finish your water." I insisted. "Would you please flush the toilet? It kind of smells."

"Right." Wanda reached up and fumbled for the handle a little bit before flushing. "Man, I forgot that vodka doesn't agree with my stomach like tequila does, but I can't have tequila because Keesha thinks I'll rape Ralphie now, but I couldn't do that to Carlos." She looked up at me. "Or Ralphie, I guess."

"Rape is a bad thing." I said after a moment of speechlessness.

"Besides, you're Ralphie's girlfriend now." Wanda smiled. "That's pretty weird."

"How are you feeling?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Married." Wanda grinned. "I think I'll be okay once I get some food."

"I'll see if we have any crackers." I offered before she could get up. "Just sit there and don't move too fast in case you puke again."

"Okay." Wanda was happy to be waited upon.

"Almost done," Keesha said.

"She's going to have some crackers and she's ready to go, so hurry." I said, grabbing a bag of Saltines and heading back into the bathroom.

"This isn't what I thought a bachelorette party would be like." Wanda said as I handed her the bag. "I wanted male strippers."

"I'm sure Carlos will strip for you later." I offered. "That would be fun."

"Oh yeah, except he has a little penis." Wanda said. I laughed. "Other than that he's great."

"Nobody's perfect." I giggled. "Besides, you said he was great at the, uh, kinky stuff." I couldn't believe I was discussing kinky sex with Wanda.

"Oh yeah!" Wanda's eyes widened. "I bet he'll be great tonight 'cause we're married and all. They have lots of hot lingerie for that stuff."

"I know." I nodded. Why did they assign me the job of talking to Wanda? I wondered if someone had hidden a camera to watch this. If they hadn't, they should have. "You could put on some of the lingerie you brought."

"Yeah!" Wanda said, excited. "I want to do that now!"

"Whoa, let's finish the dance first, okay?" I blocked her way. "Can't you two get any deals on a bridal suite?"

"Not really, unless you and Ralphie are heavy sleepers so you won't mind. We _are_ on our honeymoon." Wanda negotiated. "Or you could get married too!"

"I don't think we're ready for that." I grimaced a bit. "We aren't even dating."

"Whatever," Wanda shrugged. "It didn't stop Carlos and me, and look how happy we are!" It took all I had in me not to laugh.

"Hey, Wan, how are you doing?" Keesha asked. I backed out of the bathroom and sat on my bed. I could see where the camera was stashed and plugged in. Good old DA didn't rely on battery power.

"Ooh, Phoebe, do you think you could leave for a couple hours and send Carlos up here?" Wanda asked eagerly.

"Sure thing," I said resignedly. "After all, you _are_ on your honeymoon."

"Damn straight I am." Wanda gave me a thumbs-up.

"He's in the bar," DA said in a low voice. "I'll go find him, you can't get in." She tried not to cringe as she spoke louder to Wanda. "I'm going to find your husband." She shuddered. "That is so weird!" She whispered to me.

"Stay here and keep me company 'til Carlos comes," Wanda asked, a look of innocence in her puppy eyes.

"Oh, fine." Keesha sighed.

"So, what lingerie are you going to wear?" I asked after a moment. Keesha glared at me and I shrugged.

"I know!" Wanda dug in her suitcase. "I'll wear these!" She began to change.

"Wait!" Keesha cried. "Don't change yet!" It was too late. Wanda was already in her underwear and all we could do is avert our eyes.

"I have a teddy somewhere. Would you look for it?" Wanda asked, seeming confused.

"Yeah, sure," Keesha said quickly.

"How's this?" Wanda asked. I turned around and instantly covered my eyes.

"You're in a thong!" I yelped.

"I know, isn't it sexy?" Wanda said in her best sultry voice.

"Uh, sure." I said. "You look very – sexy."

"I can't find the teddy," Keesha called.

"Keep looking! I know I brought it," Wanda mused, practicing sexy poses.

* * *

**February 5, 2005  
12:13 a.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

After the teddy had been officially declared MIA, Keesha and I had decided to try to placate Wanda by having her watch TV while we waited for DA or any sign of the guys. Wanda began to snore after a while, leaving Keesha and me to drink while watching the news.

"Well this is fun," Keesha said sarcastically. "Sorry about interrupting your magic moment with Ralphie."

"You aren't." I looked at her and took a long drink of my mixed drink.

"I'm sorry the interruption is lasting this long, then." Keesha replied. "So it's going well, then?"

"Yeah." I smiled and nodded. "How are things with Arnold?"

"They're going okay." She touched the rose in her hair. "I didn't expect him to bring me flowers."

"That was so sweet," I smiled widely. "And he does clean up well."

"Yeah he does." Keesha grinned evilly. "You should've seen the look on your face when you saw Ralphie, though. It was so funny. It was beyond 'gee, what a guy!'"

"Was it?" I asked playfully. "Did I drool?"

"Hey, I was going to say that." Keesha laughed.

"I know, that's why I said it first." I looked back at the TV. "But he didn't look half-bad."

"So what were you talking about when I interrupted?" Keesha pried.

"I just told him that I liked him, that's all." I shrugged. It seemed long ago already.

"You're over Arnold then?"

"Not entirely," I admitted, "but it's good enough."

"Yay!" Keesha hugged me. "So can I go after Arnold? Please?" She pleaded. "He looks so gorgeous in his suit that I could eat him up."

"Squeeze his butt first, he likes that." I confided. "But you didn't hear it from me."

"Right, I heard it from Wanda." Keesha smiled. "Ralphie doesn't really have any special tricks to him." She thought hard. "Not that I remember anyway. He loses his inner monologue when he's drunk, which is really funny, though."

"Yeah, Arnold's not tricky." I said. "But it helps if you like his butt."

"Oh I do." Keesha looked at the ceiling. "Where are they?" I shrugged.

"I'll just look out the door and see if I can see them." I suggested.

"Don't go!" Keesha protested. "Don't leave me alone with Sleeping Horny!"

"I'm not even going to step outside the room, Keesh," I turned around and sighed. I looked back into the hall. "Nothing." I said. Keesha was on her phone.

"DA, get the hell back up here!" She cried. "What? SHUT UP." She covered the mouthpiece. "DA is getting married."

"Now?" I asked, incredulous. Two weddings in one night was quite a bit.

"Now?" Keesha echoed. "No, but Tim proposed and that's why she hasn't come back."

"Tell her they all need to come back up here." I said. I was ecstatic for DA and wondered why she hadn't called us down there.

"You all need to come back up to the rooms." Keesha repeated. "Why?" She asked me.

"Um, because Carlos needs to get up here and it'll probably take everyone's help." I shrugged. The way Keesha was talking, DA was probably drunk. If DA was drunk, then everyone was probably drunk, including Ralphie. She hung up the phone.

"They're all drunk out of their minds." She shook her head. "Do you want to find out what Ralphie's thinking?"

"I don't know… do I?" I asked.

"You might want to meet them at the elevator and bring them here." Keesha laughed. "Don't worry, Ralphie's thoughts are usually amusing." I grabbed the key and walked toward the door. "Wait! Bring them to the one across the hall, remember?" She pointed at the leg of the bed.

"Right," I nodded. "Trade me keys."

"I'm grabbing some alcohol. This should be a fun time." Keesha raided the fridge quickly, hit the on button of the camera, and made sure the timer was going while I headed toward the elevator.

"Hi Phoebe!" Ralphie said, putting his arms out to hug me.

"Hi Ralphie," I smiled as he threw his arms around me. "Where's everyone else?"

"Back here." DA waved weakly. "Where's our room?"

"Right here," I pointed as Ralphie hadn't let go of me yet.

"Where's Wanda?" Carlos asked, worried. "I've been looking for her."

"At the bottom of glasses of beer!" Tim cried.

"I looked other places too, like... the bar." Carlos countered.

"She's in the room, Carlos, I said, pulling away from Ralphie and grabbing the doorknob to the room. I knocked. "Wanda! Your husband is out here!" No reply. I opened the door. "Here, go in there for a little while." I guided Carlos into the room and shut the door.

"NICE!" Arnold high-fived me.

"Keesha's in there." I pointed to their door. Tim and DA followed. They hadn't had as much to drink, but were still drunk.

"Where do we go?" Ralphie asked.

"I don't know." I admitted. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't want to tell you." Ralphie laughed bashfully. "I'm not that drunk." I looked at him, slightly disappointed with his maintaining his internal monologue. He thought a moment. "I want to kiss you, but I probably taste like tequila and then you'll think I'm gross."

"You guys can come in here," Keesha said, opening the door to her room. "Since your room is now the, uh, bridal suite."

"Or we could go to the casino again!" DA suggested. "I want to see if I'm still lucky."

"Right, let's go!" Keesha winked at me and grabbed Arnold. "Come on!" DA and Tim got the hint, and the four of them went to the casino.

"So you still have an internal monologue," I observed to Ralphie when we were alone. "I was worried I'd hear things I didn't want to hear."

"Like what?" Ralphie asked.

"I don't know," I sat down on the nearer bed. Ralphie sat next to me. "Just the normal stuff. I don't want to fish for compliments or anything."

"Okay." Ralphie laid down on his back. "It's weird that Carlos and Wanda got married, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, still sitting.

"I thought Keesha was going to have us get married, and I didn't want to now, no offense." He looked over at me. He still had a monologue, but he was wordier than usual. "I don't love you like that, you know? But I do think you're pretty and I like you a lot."

"Thanks. I like you a lot too," I replied, lounging on my side. "And it doesn't help that you're really good-looking."

"Really?" Ralphie smiled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." I grinned at him. I was seriously considering kissing him.

"Have you been drinking?" He asked.

"Yes, but it has nothing to do with me thinking you're hot," I retorted. He smiled modestly. "What would you do if you had to baby-sit Wanda for an hour after she passed out?"

"Watch baseball." Ralphie answered. "You like baseball, right? I can't date you if you don't like baseball."

"Red Sox," I reminded him.

"That's right." He nodded. "I can handle that, as long as you don't like the Yankees."

"I thought you thought better of me!" I exclaimed playfully.

"It's not you, it's just a fear of mine." He said. "Some great girl who's practically perfect but likes the Yankees."

"We should go to a game sometime." I mused, opening a drink that was left on the nightstand. It was still cold.

"A Yankees game?" Ralphie wrinkled his nose.

"No!" I laughed. "An Angels game or an As game or a Giants game. We have our pick."

"That would be awesome!" Ralphie concurred. "Wait a second, are you asking me on a date?"

"Maybe," I blushed. "Yes."

"Is it because you're buzzed?" He seemed to sober up and looked serious and slightly hurt.

"No!" I put the drink on the nightstand. "I only had two drinks and – I wanted to ask you anyway."

"Okay," he nodded. "I just get afraid because Janet had to be drunk at homecoming. And then she had sex with Wanda."

"I know," I rubbed his shoulder a little. "I promise I won't have sex with Wanda." Ralphie laughed. "And I definitely won't with Janet." I laughed. "She hates me."

"Sometimes I want to punch her in the face." Ralphie said sincerely. "Most of the time she's okay, except she only really likes me when she's drunk. That's why I keep asking." My mouth hung open. I couldn't believe that Janet was a bigger idiot than I'd previously imagined.

"Aww," I said sadly. "She's kind of stupid anyway."

"That's really nice of you to say." He paused for a moment. We were inches apart. "Look, I'm kind of sick of this whole not-kissing thing."

I laughed. "Me too."


	10. A Cold, Dark Winter's Night

_And even as I wander, I'm keepin' you in sight,  
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might..._

from "Can't Fight This Feeling," by REO Speedwagon

**February 5, 2005  
1:41 a.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

The first kiss was sweet and slow, and I appreciated it more having spent most of the weekend with Ralphie. I noticed that although his lips opened, his teeth stayed firmly shut to ensure he didn't slobber on me. It was sweet and funny at the same time. I was really glad I hadn't followed Wanda's advice ("jump him now, ask questions later"). When we pulled apart, we looked at each other, smitten. We were laying on our sides on the bed, and Ralphie put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer. The tension was finally broken. Within seconds, I could feel Ralphie's weight pressing me against the bed and causing the bobby pins to dig into my scalp a little. I couldn't care less about the pain in my scalp. Ralphie didn't have creepy aspect to the first make-out session that Arnold had – this was indeed my first time in his mouth; well, my first time spending this much time – and he'd been inside me, but I was a plant at the time, however that worked... I stopped thinking about all the bizarre crap that happened to me in childhood and tried focusing on the moment.

"Wait," Ralphie panted. "I want to take my shoes off." He sat up and untied his shoes. "My feet just got really heavy."

I laughed. "Okay." I followed suit removed my heels. Being barefoot was more enjoyable.

"And my jacket." Ralphie continued narrating. He took off his jacket and folded it before draping it on the dresser. "And the vest." He grinned at me. "Sorry. I just get sick of wearing all this crap after a while."

"I know," I said, thinking of my makeup, but didn't dare excuse myself to wash my face lest Ralphie run screaming from the room. He had seen me without makeup, certainly, but my freshly washed face tended to be red and funny-looking, so I sat on the bed and watched Ralphie partially disrobe. Puberty and orthodontics had been very, very good to him. He was rather muscular, from what I could tell of napping on him and had lost his childhood fat late in middle school. This, of course, never deterred Wanda from making fat jokes about Ralphie, who still maintained his love of food.

"And my tie," Ralphie added suddenly. "And my socks."

"You're going to end up in your underwear." I warned.

"This is all going according to your evil plan, isn't it?" He loosened his tie, a move I'd always found incredibly sexy. I looked at my bare feet. I hadn't worn any hose or anything, but somehow I felt that I should also be removing clothes. I just wasn't wearing as much as he was; I was down to my dress, bra, and panties and I didn't want to get ahead of myself.

"You're the one who started stripping," I countered.

"You're not complaining, are you?" Ralphie looked concerned. "I'll stop."

"No, you're fine." I said, blushing upon hearing the words.

"That's what I thought." He grinned wickedly.

"Sure, make it look like it's all my fault," I shook my head. I wondered how long and pointless it would be to start undoing my hair.

"Well, if it weren't for you, I definitely wouldn't be taking my clothes off in my friends' hotel room." He raised an eyebrow.

"Except that your other friends have commandeered yours for their 'honeymoon suite.'" I pointed out.

"Okay," Ralphie conceded, sitting down on the edge of the bed to pull a sock off. "Maybe I would be, but still."

I reached up and pulled out a few bobby pins. No matter where we were headed, bobby pins pressing into my scalp were not something I wanted to deal with more than absolutely necessary. As my hair had been only half up, I didn't have as many to deal with as I could've had. I turned around when I had found them all and saw that Ralphie had been watching me.

"You're cute, you know that?" He asked, grinning.

"If anyone else had been watching me undo my hair, I would be scared." I smiled weakly.

"Hey, I deserve something for the strip show I just did," he argued. I kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks." He smiled.

"Good job." I smiled back. "Do you mind if I finish my drink?"

"No, go ahead." He smiled back at me. I took a few long swigs of the flavored alcohol (whatever it was). I liked feeling less fearless at times when I'd normally be paralyzed, but I didn't want to completely drown the part of me that wanted to run from the room and hide under a bed.

"So, are we dating?" I asked halfway through the drink. The stuff really worked. I had actually said something outright without having to psych myself up to it or Keesha insisting she'd slash my tires if I didn't.

"If you're okay with everything, than why not?" Ralphie replied, then seemed to have a second thought. He raised an eyebrow at me. "As long as you don't like the Yankees, I see no problem with it."

I sighed. "Ralphie, my mother is from Boston. I've liked the Red Sox since I was in the womb. This means I've hated the Yankees since my parents got the idea to have a second child. You're more likely to commit suicide with a ball point pen tomorrow in a hurricane – in Nevada – than I am to ever like the Yankees." I took a long drink.

"That was beautiful." Ralphie beamed. He pushed the drink aside and kissed me firmly. After a moment I pulled away.

"I had no idea that hatred of the Yankees was one of your turn-ons." I replied

"I'm from New York – well, sort of." Ralphie explained. "My entire family likes the Mets. Some more so than others…"

"Isn't that how you told Janet that your uncle went to jail?" I interrupted.

Ralphie laughed heartily. "Yeah, I told her my Uncle Vinnie killed a man for defending an ump who made a call favoring the Yanks."

"You don't even have to like the Yankees for your family to come after you." I giggled.

"All you have to do is not hate them." Ralphie agreed.

"And you wonder why Janet acts all weird around you." I laughed.

"I'm more likely to make that stuff up when I'm drunk, though," Ralphie smiled. "So I beat her at her own game. She only likes me when I'm drunk? Fine, I'll make shit up to scare her." I finished my drink and put the empty bottle on the nightstand. "Where were we?" He asked before leaning in to kiss me again. I laughed. "What?"

"That line is so tired," I managed. "I'm not complaining – I just thought it was funny." I kissed him back. The alcohol had also loosened up the inhibitions that kept me from getting very far on dates, and before I knew it, we were both naked. I wasn't complaining at all, but I was a bit unnerved by the fact that I'd only been with one other guy – Arnold – and I'd never made him scream like Wanda had, and as far as I knew, the last time Ralphie had been in this situation, he'd fulfilled every man's dream of "two chicks at the same time," as the guy in _Office Space_ had put it. The more I thought about it, the worse it made me feel.

"Wait," Ralphie panted, fumbling in a drawer and pulling out a condom.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked cautiously.

Ralphie looked at me incredulously. "I didn't believe in stupid questions until just now, you know that?" He smiled.

"I just – I don't know," I sounded more nervous than I wanted to. "I mean, I'm not all that _great_ and…"

Ralphie rolled his eyes. "So far, you're doing fine," he assured. "And it's not that easy to screw up." I hated all the stopping and starting, but I was worried for no good reason. He was obviously somewhat confused by the condom, so I reached for it and put it on. Fortunately, I had some experience in this and it made me feel less inept. "Thanks," he smiled. "I always manage to do it wrong."

"It takes practice, I guess," I blushed and bit my lip nervously. "You're pretty hot, you know that?" I asked. Ralphie was built like an athlete – all those years in sports had definitely paid off. His shoulders were broad and his chest wasn't as hairy as I'd always thought it would be. He had a tuft in the middle of his chest and two more around his nipples, but it wasn't gorilla hair like Wanda had mentioned. She'd probably mixed him up with someone else, which she was known to do.

"You're not too bad yourself," he grinned. I studied the bedspread for a moment. No one told me I was anything other than "cute," if I was lucky.

"So…" I glanced up at him nervously.

"Do _you _want do this?" Ralphie asked.

"As long as you aren't expecting mind-altering sex," I bargained.

"Give yourself some credit," He laid on his side, his cheek resting on his arm, and looked at me sweetly.

"I just don't want to disappoint you." I turned on my side, facing him.

"I highly doubt that you will." Ralphie kissed me lightly.

"Okay." I whispered, wrapping my arms around him and pulling us closer together. "Ready?" I rolled onto my back, pulling him on top of me.

"Absolutely." Ralphie put his hands on my hips like he had when we were dancing and kissed me with the same genuineness that he'd expressed in his face the moment before. Everything was going beautifully. My toes began curling and I bit my lip. Our bodies were rising and falling together, and there were no loud awkward body farts. His face was pressed against mine. I dug my fingernails into his back.

"Arnold," I moaned, instantly realizing what I'd said. Ralphie stopped and looked at me, but I closed my eyes. It was my version of hiding. After what felt like forever (but was maybe half a second), Ralphie took a quick breath.

"You know, there's only one thing I can say to that." He said seriously. I looked up at him, ready to grab my stuff and run.

"I'm so sorry," I didn't finish before Ralphie cried,

"Keesha!" I couldn't move, I was too puzzled. "Now we're even." He grinned. I was sure he didn't realize what I'd just done because he was drunk. I was flooded with insecurity.

"Maybe it's too soon," I worried. "Maybe we should have waited."

"What do you mean? Are _you _okay with this?" He looked concerned. One thing was clear, I was all for the situation I was in, especially the attractive naked man part, except the part of me that still wanted Arnold. I bit the inside of my cheek.

"I think so," I said, but it sounded more like a question.

"If that's a no, we can stop," he kept looking at me in that _way_ that was too attractive to say no to.

"It's a yes, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." I looked up into his brown eyes and he shrugged. "Are you always this forgiving?"

"Everyone makes mistakes. I'd be more worried if I started talking to Arnold…" he was rubbing my back reassuringly. I couldn't believe he was serious. I kissed him on the cheek.

"That would definitely be awkward, yeah." I laughed a little. "I guess that's a good reason to only talk to God," I made a mental note to try to do that from now on.

"Good point." Ralphie grinned. "Anyway," he looked around mischievously.

"Anyway," I repeated, giggling. "Uh, do we just keep going then like nothing ever happened?"

"If you say anything else, I'm just going to say names." Ralphie threatened.

"'NAMES!' like Brick?" I asked, hoping it made some sense.

"YES." Ralphie's eyes lit up. "Names!" He cried as he started again. We laughed, which took most of the pressure off. I stroked his back and had no trouble getting back into the rhythm. I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling his ear next to my mouth.

"Okay, I'm there." I whispered.

"What?" Ralphie asked.

"_There._" I repeated with emphasis.

"Oh," he panted. "Okay, then, NAMES!" I realized exactly what he was doing but was laughing too hard to talk. I would have felt bad if he weren't laughing too. My entire body tensed up, but I couldn't stop laughing until after I'd finished climaxing, which had left me utterly exhausted.

"Ow," I managed when I'd finished laughing. "My stomach."

"You were supposed to say it too," Ralphie explained, winded. He rolled over to my side and sighed. "But you were busy, so it's okay."

"I couldn't," I laughed weakly, and pain shot through my abs. "I was laughing too hard." He put his arms around me and hugged me. "Don't you have to go to the bathroom?" I suggested quietly.

"Oh, right." He got up and went to the bathroom quickly. I wanted to laugh, but couldn't. I was drifting off to sleep before he got back. "And we might want to get back to our room," he said softly. "Unless you want them to find you sleeping naked on their bed."

I sat up abruptly, slapping my cheek. "We just – on someone else's bed!" I exclaimed.

"I'd say it was Keesha's, based on the luggage around it," Ralphie pulled on his boxers.

"Are you telling me that we just did it on Arnold's bed?" I grinned wickedly. "Oh, that's awesome."

"Why?" Ralphie tossed me my panties, which I slid on.

"It's payback for him and Wanda having sex on my bed," I explained. "It has nothing to do with my little mistake earlier. I swear I wasn't thinking about Arnold."

"Good," he said, buttoning his pants. I pulled my dress back on without zipping it. It would do well enough to get back across the hall. I made sure I had my key and everything in my purse and threw away the bottle my drink had been in. I was sobering up a little more, but was drowsy from the alcohol and the exertion. "Are you going to clean the whole room?" He asked snidely.

"No," I said, turning around to face him. He'd only thrown on clothes to get across the hall, like I had. His hair was messy and his face was still flushed. I turned around to look for something else I was sure I'd left, when Ralphie picked me up and threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "What are you doing?" I asked as we moved toward the door.

"Taking you back to the room before you dawdle any more." He replied. "I'm tired."

"Me too, but I can walk," I laughed a little. My stomach still ached. "Whose fault is it that you're tired?"

"Yours," he countered. "Besides, it's more fun this way." He assured me. I watched the door to the other room close behind us. Ralphie paused at our door before fishing the key out of his pocket. "The coast is clear." He unlocked the door and went inside quietly. He put me down on the bed. I got up immediately and changed into his pajamas. We hadn't had time to get me anything to wear at the store.

Carlos and Wanda were sound asleep – and snoring softly – on their bed, which hadn't collapsed yet. I washed my face quickly, finding it to be just as red and weird-looking as I'd expected. Of course, the redness was exacerbated by the night's events, but I didn't really care. I hoped I'd still feel fine in the morning, when the buzz had worn off. For that matter, I hoped Ralphie didn't come to the realization that he'd made a terrible mistake. I brushed my teeth and wished I wasn't so damn insecure about these things. My mind raced, trying to convince myself that I hadn't acted abnormally, I'd just been braver than I normally was voluntarily. Ralphie had come in and put his arm around me. I leaned my head against him and finished brushing my teeth.

* * *

**February 5, 2005  
****7:07 a.m.  
The Excalibur  
Las Vegas, NV**

"What are they doing?" Ralphie whispered to me. The other bed was creaking like an old swingset. "Wait, never mind."

"Shh, pretend you're asleep," I whispered back, groggily. The last thing I wanted was Wanda to realize that I was awake while she was having sex. "Dorothy Ann rigged Tim's camera." Ralphie rolled over to mask his laughter, and I followed suit after glancing at the clock. We still had a few precious hours of sleep left. I didn't feel too hung over, which was nice. Ralphie had rolled over facing me and put his right arm over me. I put my hand on top of his, closed my eyes, and drifted back off to sleep. I was roused by a huge thump and a chorus of swear words.

"Shit!" Carlos yelped. "What happened?"

"WHAT THE HOLY FUCK WAS THAT?" Wanda yelled.

"Shh, they're sleeping!" Carlos replied.

"WHY THE HELL DID THE FUCKING BED FALL DOWN?" Wanda's voice stayed loud. Our neighbors banged on the wall.

"Keep it down in there! We're trying to sleep!" A muffled voice cried.

"You'd be yelling too if your fucking bed just fucking fell down!" Wanda retorted.

"Shit," Carlos exhaled quickly. "I hope we don't have to pay for that."

"We won't have to!" Wanda cried. The mattress springs squeaked as she got off the bed. "It's the damn hotel's fault for having a fucking shitty piece of fucking shit bed." I tried my hardest not to laugh. I felt Ralphie laughing silently.

"I don't know if I can stand up." Carlos groaned. "I want to lay back down." He fell onto the bed, and cried out. "It feels funny,"

"It fucking fell down!" Wanda sounded annoyed. "It's like you're on a hill but the hill is a fucking piece of shit bed. Get up and help me fix it."

"Why? If it's not our fault, why should we do anything?" The springs squeaked again.

"Don't you want to sleep?" Wanda asked, exasperated. "Hey, it's just this leg."

"That's weird." Carlos mused. "I think I can sleep like this." The springs squeaked again; Carlos had probably lied back down.

"You're an idiot." Wanda sighed.

"You married me." Carlos countered, teasingly.

"You married _me,_" Wanda replied.

I wasn't sure if this going to end in sex or violence. "KEEP YOUR DAMN VOICES DOWN," the neighbor yelled again. "I'm going to call down to the front desk if I hear you one more time."

"Wanda, don't say anything." Carlos said quickly and quietly. "I know you want to kick their asses, but it might not be a good idea."

"But I'm drunk," Wanda complained. "I can do anything I want when I'm drunk." Wanda was still drunk? Granted, she'd hit the bottle a bit harder than usual last night, but I didn't think she'd still be drunk in the morning.

"Let's take a shower instead, huh?" Carlos suggested and two sets of feet clumsily ran to the bathroom and the door slammed shut. The water began running, which fortunately masked some of the moaning. Ralphie shuddered.

"I wanted to shower this morning too," he whispered.

"Me too," I looked up at him. "Maybe next door?"

"Tim and Dorothy Ann." Ralphie said flatly. "Plus, they got engaged last night, so they probably had celebratory sex at least three times in three different places."

"That leaves sucking it up and showering here and truck stops," I replied.

"Well, shit." Ralphie sighed. "I think I'm going to go back to sleep and hope there aren't visible ass prints all over the shower in the morning."

* * *

**February 5, 2005  
10:24 a.m.  
I-15 southbound  
Las Vegas, NV**

Checkout time was 11 a.m., but we wanted to get back home before too late, as some of us had class the next day. Unfortunately, nearly everyone was so hung over that getting out of bed was a problem, not to mention Ralphie's reluctance to shower. Carlos and Wanda hadn't had a lot to say about the bed falling down, just a few choice words about defects and such. I managed to get Tim's video camera back to him without the newlyweds noticing, fortunately. We planned on letting them in on the secret back in California, if ever. We'd managed to load up the van by 10, and were completely checked out by 10:15. At last we were heading home. I was nominated to drive, as Ralphie and I were the least hung over. Carlos, Wanda, and DA seemed to still be drunk. Apparently there had been much celebration the night before in the casino. Tim, Keesha, and Arnold were hung over as hell, and could hardly stand to look outside the van. We loaded up on bottles of water before we took off, although Wanda insisted on having a beer, as it was the "best cure for hangovers," for the hangover she was sure to develop. After much travail, we were on the freeway. Ralphie was driving the music, and we were headed back home. A few minutes into the trip, I heard some weird noises coming from the back of the van. I looked in the rear-view mirror. "What the hell are you doing?" I demanded.

"Uh," Wanda said sheepishly. "You might not want to look for a minute."

"No," I replied sternly. "You are not having sex while I'm driving."

"Too late!" Carlos grinned.

"Shit," I said under my breath. I pulled over and stopped the car. "Ralphie, get the pepper spray out of the glove box."

"Not again!" Wanda cried. "We're done, I swear!"

"But we're on our honeymoon," Carlos protested.

"Does it look like I care?" I turned around. "I don't care if you're the president, you can't have sex in MY car while I'm driving it, capice?"

"Aw, she's speaking Italian," Keesha grinned. I glared at her and her smile dropped. "I mean, yeah, Wanda, stop having sex in Phoebe's car."

"Fine." Wanda sighed. "But you're not getting a thank-you note." I took a deep breath and calmly pulled back onto the freeway. It took the old van a long time to get back up to 75, but I managed.

The ride to Barstow, our planned lunch stop, was otherwise uneventful. I was thankful I had my iPod so we didn't have to deal with radio stations going in and out or changing CDs, and nearly everyone slept.

* * *

**February 5, 2005  
12:47 p.m.  
Heartland Truck Stop  
Barstow, CA**

I pulled into the same truck stop we'd visited two days before. We went into the restaurant and had some standard fare that you'd expect at a truck stop restaurant.

"Phoebe and I have to go to the bathroom." Keesha proclaimed suddenly.

"I do?" I asked. Keesha gave me a look. "Fine, I'll come protect you." Keesha hated truck stop bathrooms, but I knew she wanted to talk to me this time. "So how'd it go last night?" I asked once we were out of earshot.

"Fine, I guess." Keesha sighed. "DA commandeered Arnold after Tim went to bed, so I just left. I got dick – well, no dick – out of this deal."

"Why did she take Arnold?" I asked.

"I have no idea. Anyway, how did your night go?" Keesha asked pryingly. "I noticed you guys holding hands and stuff,"

"Yeah, we're going to a baseball game or something later on." I tried to stay nonchalant, which was really hard, considering that Keesha was trying to bore holes in my skull with her eyes. "And we're kind of official." I grinned.

"Shut up!" Keesha squealed. "I told you it would work." She was going to ask the other question, so I just kept talking.

"And we were awake when Wanda and Carlos crashed their bed at seven this morning." I continued.

"What were you doing?" Keesha asked. "Do I want to know?"

"We woke up when they started swearing," I countered. "And then fell asleep when they were going at it in the shower."

"Hey, I had to sit through Tim and DA having sex practically non-stop Saturday morning." Keesha pointed at me. "So I know what you're going through." She paused a second. I'd run out of things to say. "I hate to resort to this, but did you guys do it?"

"Ugh, you sound like Wanda," I rolled my eyes.

"So?" Keesha asked expectantly.

"I don't want to talk about it," I blushed, then realized I'd given myself away, "Yeah, we did."

"Aww," Keesha squealed again. "I thought you had, but you can never tell with you."

"I try to keep some things out of public knowledge," I said softly.

"So it was great then?" She continued. "Better than Arnold?"

"I don't know, different than Arnold, but definitely great." I said. "Even if I kind of said Arnold's name in the middle of it,"

"You didn't!" Keesha exclaimed. "What did he do?"

"He called me Keesha and said we're even." I was still in awe of the whole situation. "We were both a little drunk."

"No wonder you two are so happy today," Keesha laughed. "I can't wait to tell Wanda."

"Will you wait 'til we're home at least? I don't want her screaming in the van." I asked, then continued, "Oh, and we may or may not have had sex on your bed."

"WHAT?" Keesha cried. "Why?"

"We were banished from our room, remember?" I argued. "Besides, it's my revenge on Arnold for him having sex with Wanda on my bed. Sorry to drag you into it."

"Oh whatever, I get free sex on your bed now." Keesha warned.

"Just give me warning and I'll put old sheets on it I can burn." I retorted. "It was a hotel bed, not the one you sleep in every night."

"True, but I still had to sleep in it." She wrinkled her nose.

"Hey guys," DA stuck her head in. "Everyone's wondering where you are."

"Are you okay?" I asked. "You look miserable."

"I think I have to end it with Tim," DA shut the door behind her. "I was talking to Arnold last night, and I'm just not sure I can get married yet."

"Wanda and Carlos are married," Keesha said comfortingly. "If they can do it, anyone can."

"That's the thing," DA said. "I just can't stop thinking that I should have married Carlos, not Wanda. It should've been me drunk off my ass getting married to him."

"DA, he cheated on you." I reminded her. "With Janet. He _lost his virginity_ to Janet."

"I know, but it's not really – what am I saying, it is bad." She sighed heavily. "But I cheated on Tim last night. With Arnold."

"What?" Keesha asked. "Why do we always come to bathrooms to talk?" She wondered tangentially.

"He was trying to talk me into going through with it, trying to tell me things were okay, but he was so cute. The casino lights were all flashing and everything, and before I knew it I was trying to give him a blowjob."

"In the middle of the casino?" I gasped.

"In a corner!" DA defended. "I can't believe I just blew it with Tim." Keesha opened her mouth and I cut her off.

"Don't say it, Keesha." I warned. "No one needs Wanda's dirty puns right now."

"So I don't know what to do. What do I say? 'Hey, Carlos, you're married and all, but your wife's a dirty whore and I realize I made a mistake by dumping you because I thought I was better than that, but I'm not?'" DA started to cry.

"You have to talk to Tim," Keesha said soothingly. "You didn't actually do anything with Arnold, did you?"

"I saw his penis, does that count for anything?" DA looked up at us, her eyes red.

"Well, it sounds like Arnold stopped you," I added. "That's good."

"But I still tried to do a bad thing!" DA cried, wiping away tears. "I've just ruined everything with the one guy I really care about, and the guy who was always supposed to be there for me – who'd take me back in the blink of an eye – is married to Wanda." She started sobbing.

"Whoa," Keesha put an arm around DA. "It's not the end of the world. Go talk to Tim. He loves you, and you love him. You two can work this out. Whatever you do, don't kill Wanda."

"That would definitely be bad," I concurred. DA didn't seem like the kind of person who'd go completely nuts and try to hurt someone, but you never know. "It's all you can do now. Try to work it out."

"I guess." DA wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Keesha handed her a wad of toilet paper. When she got her crying under control, the three of us went back to the diner.

* * *

**Drama's not over, folks. And I'm happy to use an REO power ballad as the song. I love life. **


	11. Count Your Blessings

_Shit so thick you could stir with a stick, free Teflon whitewash presidency  
We're sick of being jerked around: wear that on your sleeve._

from "Bad Day," by R.E.M.

**February 6, 2005  
9:11 p.m.  
The Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

The ride home was one of the last quiet moments for a long time, because everyone was asleep. The instant we got back to the flat, we ordered pizzas.

"So, are you guys staying married?" DA asked uncomfortably. I couldn't help but notice her engagement ring hanging loosely from her ring finger as she half-heartedly held a drooping slice of Hawaiian pizza.

"I don't know," Wanda smiled at Carlos in that beaming newlywed manner that I never thought I'd see coming from her. "We figured what the hell, why not give it a try?"

"You're not getting it annulled?" DA nearly dropped her slice of pizza. "Why? You were both drunk and everything!"

"What's your problem?" Carlos laughed. "It doesn't matter to you."

"Of course it does!" DA insisted, growing more and more agitated. "I didn't think you'd – you know."

"Get married?" Carlos pressed. "Come on, DA, get over it already." Tim was more visibly agitated than DA.

"Dorothy Ann, could I talk to you?" He said firmly but nervously. They went into my bedroom and I sighed

"I hope they don't have sex." I closed my eyes and bit into my modified Hawaiian pizza. I'd picked off all the ham.

"It didn't look likely." Ralphie assured, eating the ham I'd discarded onto his plate.

"What's gotten into her?" Wanda asked. "Carlos and I are just having fun and all – I mean, we're just making the best out of what happened."

"I know." I sighed. "I guess it's just hard to see that your ex has moved on." I realized there wasn't anywhere I could safely look. Wanda got up and moved quietly across the room toward the wall that was shared with my bedroom. "What are you doing?" I hissed.

"Listening," Wanda said as though it were obvious.

"Respect their privacy." Keesha sighed.

"They need to respect my right to know." Wanda countered.

"Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?" Arnold asked. Puzzled, I followed him into the backyard. "See, I know it's probably wrong and all, but – I don't know if DA told you about us."

"Us?" I asked. I was hoping he didn't suddenly come to his senses and realize he liked me, because I was starting to move on.

"Well, DA and I were talking last night and,"

"She told me about that," I interrupted.

"So is it bad if it was really hard for me to stop her?" He asked innocently. I closed my eyes slowly. "I know she's with Tim and all, so I didn't let it get too far, but I really didn't want to."

"Well," I said after a moment of shock. "This is weird."

"You're telling me." Arnold laughed a little. "But DA is really upset about not feeling ready with Tim – I think she's marrying him to get back at Carlos or something. She just always thought Carlos wouldn't settle down. She hates being wrong, and so it's messing with her mind."

"Well that's not fair to anyone, really." I screwed up my mouth a bit. "Least of all Tim." It felt like we were all bingo balls being stirred up again. "And he's a nice guy – he cares for her and everything. Did she really think she'd end up with Carlos this whole time?" I said, slightly angrily. "That's not fair!"

"I don't know what she thought." Arnold shrugged. "She didn't think Carlos would settle down with anyone else."

"She can't have her cake and eat it too." I shook my head. "If he's happy, she should be happy, and he's happy with Wanda."

"It's really not fair to Tim, and I bet he's going to stick up for himself." Arnold warned. "He's sick of this crap. I guess DA's been distant and stuff since Carlos and Wanda hit it off." The sound of shattering glass interrupted our conversation.

"Hang on a minute," I said to Arnold and ran inside. "What the hell is going on?!" DA had broken a bottle and, sobbing, was yelling at Wanda. It was hard to tell what she was saying. Tim was trying to maintain stoic composure, but was obviously hurt. Carlos had tried putting himself between Wanda and DA, and Ralphie was trying to pin DA's arms to her back. Keesha was practically screaming at DA. "Who let DA have broken glass?"

"She broke a beer!" Wanda screamed. "And she's going to kill me!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Carlos bellowed, nearly throwing Wanda out of the way. "You've gone ape-shit."

"You weren't supposed to get married!" DA shrieked. I wondered how drunk she was and why we didn't have horse tranquilizer around for situations like this.

"NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THREATENING ANYONE ELSE IN THIS HOUSE!" Keesha yelled. "Holy Jesus, mother of God."

"That doesn't make any sense!" DA turned to Keesha.

"Get that thing out of my face!" Keesha cried.

Carlos laughed lightly. "That's what she said."

"Last night," Wanda added. DA whirled back toward them. She was angrier than I'd ever seen her.

"SHUT UP, WANDA!" She screeched and turned to face Carlos. "I thought you loved me!"

"You dumped me!" Carlos yelled. "Get over it!"

"YOU CHEATED ON ME!" DA's eyes nearly bugged out of her head in anger.

"Can we please quiet down before the neighbors come over with video cameras?" I pleaded.

"I'm not signing any waiver to be on Cops," Ralphie warned.

"Fuck," Tim muttered. He grabbed his stuff and ran out the door. I followed.

"Tim! Wait!" I cried.

"No," Tim snapped. "I need to get out of here. See ya, Phoebe."

"I AM OVER YOU!" DA was screaming from in the house. I sighed and walked back into the war zone.

"Then why are you throwing shit around?" Carlos demanded. "Look, Dorothy Ann, I know you're upset and everything, but I really like Wanda, okay?"

"Aww," I couldn't help myself. Ralphie smiled at me and laughed. "Why don't you put that down and we can talk, okay?" I said sweetly to DA. She dropped the bottle and followed me into the backyard. "This isn't about Carlos, is it?" I asked.

"I cheated on Tim," DA was still crying. Keesha shut the door softly behind her and Wanda. "I'm no better than Carlos. I deserve someone who cheated on me." She sobbed.

"Everybody makes mistakes," Keesha assured. "Remember when we dropped that sexy note from Phoebe into Arnold's locker and it was really Janet's?"

"WHAT?" I asked.

"Oh," Wanda turned to me. "Janet may or may not think you're gay for her." DA laughed for a moment and I let her amusement trump my bewilderment for the time being.

"I should've known better." DA sighed.

"You do know better." Keesha said. "You just didn't act like it this time."

"And now Tim is pissed as hell." DA wiped tears from her cheeks. "I can't blame him, but – ugh."

* * *

**February 11, 2005  
2:25 p.m.  
Walker State Student Union  
Walkerville, CA**

I hadn't seen DA all week. According to Wanda, she'd been locked in her room most of the time, moping about Tim, who'd also been scarce.

"We're thinking of renting a place together," Carlos said, his hand noticeably over Wanda's. I realized that I was zoning out. The past two weeks had been more than enough action for me. "You know, like Keesha and Phoebe, if they were gay for each other."

"How many times do I have to tell you that Phoebe and I don't have naked pillow fights?" Keesha asked, jokingly exasperated.

"Won't you just once?" Carlos asked.

"No." Keesha looked at me for support, which snapped me out of my trance. I looked at her briefly.

"Definitely not." The look on her face told me I said the right thing.

"Hey, look who I found!" Arnold announced, bringing a very tired and depressed looking Tim over to our table.

"Tim! We've missed you!" Carlos stood up and thumped him on the back. Tim returned the hug half-heartedly.

"I've picked up some extra rehearsals," he said. He'd been in a band or two throughout college and apparently had been drinking some Red Bull to keep his mind off his broken engagement. "We're going to play at the May Fair." (Despite its name, the May Fair was always in April and was a big end-of-the-year carnival.)

"Awesome!" I smiled. "That's great for you, Tim."

"I have to focus on something." He pushed his food around his plate with his fork. "Music's a good outlet."

"He's been listening to Ben Folds almost nonstop." Ralphie whispered.

"Aww," I said. Poor Tim. He deserved someone better. DA was a great girl, but for whatever reason, she and Tim weren't all they were cracked up to be, and Keesha seemed out of ideas. I felt helpless, but there had to be something we could do.

* * *

**February 11, 2005  
4:10 p.m.  
****Pi Delta Delta**** House  
Walkerville, CA**

Keesha, Wanda, and I walked very slowly up the stairs toward DA's room. Tiffany Woods, Arnold's first crush, was also in the sorority and pointed us in the right direction. Halfway up the stairs, we could tell exactly where we were going. We could hear off-key singing, a hallmark of drunk Dorothy Ann.

"An' I don' wan' the world to see me 'cause I don' think that they'd understand – when everything's made to be broken, I jus' wan' – "

Keesha knocked loudly to interrupt the rest of the chorus. I know she thought the song was whiny.

"WHAT?" DA cried.

"It's us," Keesha opened the door a bit. DA's normally clean room was a mess, and so was she.

"You might want to lay off the booze," Wanda suggested.

"You should talk!" DA accused. "You're the one who got married to Carlos!"

"Jesus, I haven't been drunk the entire time we've been married." Wanda rolled her eyes.

"Just most of it, you alcoholic!" DA was at once belligerent and benign. It was doing a number on my fight or flight instinct.

"I'm a drunk – the alcoholics have meetings." Wanda insisted.

"Didn't we just hear this song?" Keesha asked as the mandolin intro played again.

"It's been on repeat for the past four hours." DA slumped in her seat. "I think I hate it now, but I can't turn it off. I like it too much."

"DA, you have to get over it," I said, sitting beside her on a chair. "It's hard, I know, but –"

"You don't know!" DA interrupted. I was taken aback.

"Um, Arnold dumped me and I went crazy for two years." I retorted.

"You weren't getting married!"

"I felt like I already was!"

"When did you and Arnold get married?" Wanda asked.

"Never," I sighed. "But I'd already made the commitment in my head, so it was like _The Odyssey_."

"It was like a van how?" Wanda shook her head. "You're confusing."

"Like the book – where he goes out on adventures and Penelope is at home waiting for him and – didn't you see _O Brother, Where Art Thou?_" Wanda looked even more confused and I sighed hard. "Never mind."

"I know what you mean." DA managed. "But it's not the same."

"You don't have it worse," I stood up. "I didn't have it worse – it's just different."

"So what are you doing here?" DA turned to Wanda and her tone became icy. "Did you get a ring that's not plastic yet and you want to show it off?"

"Hey!" Wanda startled. "That has nothing to do with this."

"If it weren't for you, Carlos would still love me!" DA argued.

"Bull shit." Keesha snapped. "Carlos and I had a fantastic time together at homecoming. We had sex. Surprise! He even made out with Phoebe."

"Sort of." I corrected.

"He's moved on, DA!" Keesha was raising her voice to get through to her.

"Projecting your inadequacies on others isn't going to solve your problems with intimacy." Wanda said seriously.

"Wh-what?" DA stuttered.

"You have to be accountable for your own mistakes and actions. You're only exacerbating your pre-existing issues by refusing to accept that your actions are the antecedent of the consequences. You're the common denominator in your failed relationships, not Keesha or Phoebe or me." She continued.

"You're right," DA cried a bit. Keesha grabbed a pillow and hit Wanda.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with my friend?" She demanded.

"Ow!" Wanda cried. "FUCK, Keesha, that fuckin' hurts!"

"Never talk like that again!" Keesha put the pillow aside. "I thought you were possessed and I was going to ask Phoebe,"

"For the last time, being Catholic does not make you qualified to perform exorcisms, Keesha." I explained.

"So what do I do?" DA asked, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"About Carlos?" Wanda asked.

"No," DA scrunched up her nose.

"Whatever you do, don't stalk Tim." I said. "Or have random sex with him and hope he'll suddenly love you again. Trust me, it doesn't work."

"Seriously, that's as bad as Wanda telling you to lay off booze." Keesha added and DA nodded sincerely.

"And try to just – get over it." Wanda shrugged.

* * *

**February 12, 2005  
9:25 a.m.  
The Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

"Are you and your boyfriend doing anything for V-Day?" Keesha asked, drinking her coffee.

"Um," Ralphie looked around. He'd spent the night for the first time in ages. "I don't know."

"I hate Valentine's Day." I replied. "You know what I do want to do though? Get a dog."

"Now?" Keesha asked.

"There's a litter of Newfoundland puppies at the shelter." I gauged her reaction. She seemed okay with it, and I'd just reviewed the lease to make sure we didn't have weight restrictions.

"They're a really friendly breed, but they get kind of big."

Keesha thought aloud, "Aren't you from Newfoundland?"

I pursed my lips. "Newfoundland and Labrador." I said softly. Ralphie laughed heartily.

"Wait until I tell Carlos!" He laughed.

"Don't you even dare." I threatened. "What do you think?"

"They're cute," Keesha smiled. "They're really – fluffy." She'd grown up with a Dalmatian, so any dog with long hair was fluffy to her.

"That's part of their charm," I said, looking at the puppy faces. "Ralphie?"

"I think you should go for it." He smiled. "They're good dogs."

"Let me get my keys." I ran upstairs and threw some old jeans and a "save the whales" t-shirt on. I pulled my hair half up into a ponytail so it was out of my face, grabbed my purse, and ran back down the stairs.

"That's a new record." Keesha looked up.

"Where's the shelter?" I panted, getting out a pen and a grocery store receipt.

"Are you going by yourself?" Ralphie asked. "Can I come?"

"Yeah, bring Ralphie with you. He'll make sure you don't bring home all the puppies."

Keesha grinned. "I'll stay here and start putting stuff out of reach."

"Seriously?" I squealed. "This is awesome, you guys!" I picked up the receipt, grabbed Ralphie, and dragged him to the toaster. "See you in a little while!"

"Call me when you have one picked out – I'll come to meet you guys at the pet store." Keesha called.

"So why were you waiting?" Ralphie asked, buckling himself into the front seat.

"I don't know," I said, backing out. "I was focusing on school and stuff." We both knew I meant "being obsessed with Arnold."

"So, are you sure you want a puppy?" He continued.

"They're so cute!" I squeaked a bit. "I mean, I know they'll need training and lots of stuff, but I've always loved Newfs. I saw them on the web and didn't think I'd actually get one of the puppies, but it's worth a try. How often do they come into a shelter and need to be rescued?"

"I don't know," Ralphie shrugged. "What do you want to name it?"

"I'll think about that when I have it." I replied, pushing the receipt into his hand. "Tell me again where we're going."

* * *

I pulled into the shelter parking lot and tried not to park like I was completely insane. I bounded out of the toaster and toward the doors when Ralphie caught me. He held my shoulders firmly. 

"Calm down," he smiled. "You need to make the right decision here – there are lives at stake."

"I know," I said quietly. "And I need to get in there before someone else does." We went in and, after making sure it was okay with the staff, headed back to the puppy room. "There they are," I whispered to Ralphie.

"WHAT?" He asked. I had forgotten that whispering in the pound was probably one of the most pointless things I could do. I walked up to their cage and squatted down. I was greeted by furry masses with cold noses, whimpering and yipping.

"They're so cute!" I cooed. "Look at them!" Ralphie squatted down next to me.

"Yep," He said, trying to sound nonchalant. I looked at him and could tell he didn't want to sit here for long or he'd go home with any of the puppies I couldn't crate away with me. "So are you going to pick one?"

"How?" I asked. "They're all so friendly and adorable!" Ralphie left and came back with a staff member. He was talking to her while I watched the puppies. I counted seven of them – it had been quite the litter for the poor mom, who'd died of some sort of disease, which led the puppies to be surrendered. The information on the cage said they were 10 weeks old and had been hand-raised. There were four females and three males and most were black. A few were Landseer Newfoundlands – white with black spots – and a few of the black ones had a white marking on their chests. I stuck my fingers through the bars and petted their soft fur. I knew I had to have one of the puppies, but had no idea which. I looked up at Ralphie, who smiled at me. I stood up, not wanting to take my eyes off the puppies. "I want one."

"I know." He grinned.

"Which one were you looking at?" The employee, an average-height blonde lady, asked.

"I don't know, they're all so cute. I don't know how to pick out a puppy." I confessed. Ralphie stood at the cage, looking at the pups, his hands on his hips. The lady began to tell me about assessing the way they walked up to me, their friendliness with other dogs, their activity levels, and matching my lifestyle when Ralphie said,

"That white male there." He pointed to a puppy that was neither the largest nor the smallest and didn't seem too domineering. He'd come up and licked my fingers gingerly before. I nodded to the lady. "Can we take him outside or something?"

"Sure," the lady got him out of the kennel and handed him to me. The cute little puppy must have weighed twenty pounds. He had big black patches over most of his head, but a white stripe down the center of his face. He had black freckles on his snout. Most of his body was white with big black spots. I loved this puppy already. We took him out back and I gently placed him on the ground. Ralphie sat down and petted him. "What draws you to a Newfoundland?" She asked.

"I'm actually from St. John's – in Newfoundland and Labrador in Canada." I began. "I grew up with a Golden Retriever and a German Shepherd, and love bigger dogs."

"I have a St. Bernard," Ralphie added. "So I'm used to huge dogs."

"Well, that's always good to hear." She laughed. "I had a young couple in here asking if they'd get much bigger."

"I'm counting on it." I smiled. "And I love to go to the beach and camping with dogs. I haven't been able to go in a while."

"So you'd make sure to train this dog and give him lots to do?" She asked. "You know dogs get destructive if left alone and bored. Also, since he's a puppy, he'll be getting his adult teeth in and he's not housebroken yet."

"Well, no one's perfect." Ralphie smiled, picking up the puppy, who kissed him on the face.

"I've planned to do obedience with any dog I adopt," I continued. Ralphie put the puppy down and it ran to me. "Hello," I said, looking at his little face. He wagged his furry tail at me and started to climb into my lap. "I think I want to adopt him," I said.

"Let me get you the application." The lady smiled and went back in.

"How did you pick him?" I asked Ralphie.

"It was like that scene in Spartacus; I asked which one of them was your dog and this one said he was."

"You're crazy." I laughed.

"I found your puppy." He retorted. "And you can name him Spartacus." I looked down at the puppy.

"Spartacus?" I asked, confused. The puppy wagged his tail.

* * *

"I can drive," I protested, even though I didn't want to. I had Spartacus – a name I wasn't entirely sure of – on a leash in my left hand and a huge information packet in my right. 

"Keesha, we're just leaving the shelter," Ralphie was saying. "You might want to go to the pet store – yeah, bring the others, unless they're going to cause drama."

"He has to go to the vet still, too." I whispered loudly. I opened the sliding door in the back and set down the information packet, the food, and the treats that had come with my new dog. He was whining a little and looked uneasy. "It's okay," I said, picking him up. "You're coming home with us." I shook my head and thought, "Spartacus?"

"Yeah, I named him Spartacus," Ralphie said. "And Phoebe can't think of anything better because that's the best name for a dog ever." He got in the van. "Okay, we're going to go now – see you in a little while."

"Aren't we going to take him to the vet?" I asked, looking down at the ball of fur on my lap. "He has all his shots and everything, but – you know."

"I'll ask my mom for Rosie's vet's number – she's really good." Ralphie said. "But first, let's get this little guy home."

* * *

**February 12, 2005  
4:14 p.m.  
The Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

"So what do you do when your puppy runs into the middle of the road and gets hit by a semi before you can say 'Spartacus'?" Wanda asked.

"WANDA!" I held the puppy closer to me. "Don't joke about my dog being roadkill!"

"Buzzard bait," Carlos laughed under his breath.

"SHUT UP!" I squealed. Spartacus licked my face. "Aww."

"You're so weird, Phoebe." Keesha shook her head. "He's a fluffy drool machine."

"He's cute." Ralphie argued. "How can you not think he's cute?"

"See?" I grinned.

"Well, we're going to go to dinner or something." Carlos winked at Wanda. DA and Tim looked uneasily at each other. "See you later!"

"Hasta la vista!" Wanda called. Carlos pinched her butt on the way out.

"I have rehearsal," Tim said, avoiding DA. They could hardly stand to be in the same room together, their breakup had been so devastating. He left quickly.

"Will it ever get easier?" DA wondered.

"Eventually." I assured her.

"We should've got you a dog sooner." Wanda grinned. "He's like a little therapist."

"Like you, only less vulgar." Keesha said snidely.

"He's my little gentleman." I said sing-songily.

"Could I have a cat instead?" DA asked, wearily.

I shrugged. "But how could you say no to this face?" I lifted up Spartacus and felt something warm and wet near my knees.

"Pheebs, he peed on you just now." Ralphie pointed out.

"I noticed. Thanks, Ralphie."


	12. Nobody Does it Better

Top of Form

_I wasn't looking but somehow you found me  
I tried to hide from your love light.  
But like heaven above me, the spy who loved me  
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight. _

from "Nobody Does it Better," by Carly Simon

**April 14, 2005  
8:49 p.m.  
Walker Memorial Plaza  
Walker State University**

"We're wrapping it up here with a thanks for all you guys," the bassist of the Pompadours, Tim's band, explained. "So, here goes." Cheers erupted from the crowd. I hadn't known prior to tonight that Tim could sing, but damn could he sing.

"Nobody does it better," he crooned. Ralphie squeezed my hand and I leaned my head against his shoulder. We'd agreed to come see Tim play at May Fair as Spartacus could finally hold his bladder for 5 hours and had been thoroughly attended to before we went back out for the evening. At four months old, he was no longer the adorable little fluff ball he'd been. Now he was an adorable giant fluff ball, and both Ralphie and I had caught ourselves saying "you say 'dog hair in the cereal' like it's a bad thing" at least once. I was interrupted by an all-too familiar voice.

"Arnold!" It was Janet. I tried really hard to keep from rolling my eyes or being bitter. After all, everything was behind me now.

"Janet!" Arnold replied, hugging his cousin. "Are you having fun?"

"You know it," she smiled. "Wanda!" She squealed.

"Hey, ho." Wanda nodded in greeting.

"Isn't that guy the hottest guitarist you've ever seen?" Janet panted. Wanda was next to me, and having Janet this close was rather frightening.

"Uh, that's Tim." Wanda said. Carlos laughed.

"Tim who?" Janet asked, smitten. Arnold leaned back and interrupted Wanda.

"We can introduce you after the show." He said slyly.

Carlos caught on. "Yeah! We have connections to the band."

Janet looked at him in disbelief and Arnold nodded. "He's one of my brothers."

"You'd do that? You're awesome, cuz!" Janet squealed. I stifled laughter. Arnold trying to look cool was always amusing, especially when he got the rest of us to play along. The mood seemed light enough that I could address one of the many issues Janet and I had without much fear. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned to face me. It was obvious that she loathed me.

I spoke quickly. "By the way, I'm not gay for you. I never have been."

"Why are you talking to me?" She asked, even more reviled. "Oh, hey Ralphie, I haven't seen you since Homecoming."

"Hi Janet." Ralphie said blandly.

"You know, I had a great time with you," she said flirtatiously. "You actually don't look too bad tonight." She looked at me spitefully. I tried hard to focus on not getting angry, but my jealousy radar was going nuts. Interestingly, it hadn't gone off as much even though I know Arnold was seriously considering asking DA out.

"Janet, do you want to have a chance at getting in guitarist pants or not?" Arnold quipped.

"Stay out of this," she said, still focused on me. "Want to go to a bar later?" She said to Ralphie quickly. "I'm sure we could arrange another get-together…"

"Why do you hate Phoebe?" Ralphie asked. My organs sank in fear.

"What?" Janet tossed her curly red hair. "Let's see, she stalked my cousin, thinks she's better than me, and she's funny looking. I mean, she's built like a stick figure."

"You're built like – ugly." Wanda retorted. Protecting me from Janet was like a reflex for Wanda.

"You crack me up." Janet wasn't that amused. "Seriously, Ralphie, we should…" she trailed off and raised her eyebrows.

"The thing with that is," I interrupted.

"I wasn't talking to you." Janet didn't look at me.

"We're dating." I finished before Ralphie could say anything.

"So do you want to ditch this loser or not?" Janet wasn't fazed. "You could do so much better."

Ralphie squared his jaw. "Leave me alone." He said. "If you're just going to be a bitch to piss Phoebe off, get lost."

"Janet, stop taunting Phoebe." Arnold warned. "If you're nice to her, I guarantee you can touch the sexy guitarist."

"Look at him," Wanda insisted. "Look at him in all his sexiness and say no to that offer." Janet turned around to look, then turned back to Arnold.

"I was going to say that," Arnold explained, "but I think it would make things awkward."

"So if I'm nice, then I can meet the sexy guitarist?"

"Yes," Arnold smiled.

"Fine, I'll leave it alone."

"Her," Arnold corrected.

"I couldn't tell for sure." Janet sneered. "It has a boyish figure."

"Janet." Arnold warned.

"Where should I meet you?" She changed the subject. Arnold talked lower to give her the details.

"You're not funny looking," Ralphie insisted.

"Thanks." I smiled. "I'm aware of my boyish figure. I just try not to let stuff Janet says bother me."

"And Ralphie?" Janet started, but Ralphie indicated his disinclination to talk to her by pulling me in quickly and kissing me. Carlos laughed. Ralphie wasn't letting go. I was caught off-guard by what seemed like a demonstration of some kind, but I went along with it.

"You got burned." Carlos teased Janet.

"What the hell is going on?" Janet asked.

"Ralphie's flipping you off." DA observed. "While he's kissing Phoebe." I wished I could have laughed.

"It's a double-burn." Keesha added. "It's really quite brilliant."

"When did this happen?" Janet nearly shrieked. Apparently she'd missed the part where I told her we were together, or she didn't believe it.

"Uh, ten seconds ago, retard." Wanda replied. Ralphie let me go and started talking.

"Phoebe and I have been dating for two months," he reported, letting me go. I was still a bit surprised and very amused.

"I tried to tell you." I warned, putting an arm around Ralphie. "But you wouldn't listen."

"Arnold! They're picking on me!" Janet whined.

I looked at Ralphie. The idea of going to watch Janet swoon over Tim wasn't that appealing, although it was pretty amusing. "We should go check on Spartacus. We've been gone for a while."

"He might have messed the house," Ralphie nodded.

"Whatever, you guys want to go do it." Wanda smirked. "I know how you are."

"That's how _you_ are, Wanda." Ralphie corrected. "Some of us have self-control."

"Right." Keesha raised her eyebrows at me. "You're not exactly notorious for that."

"Phoebe is a stalker…" Wanda said sing-songily.

"Give it a rest," DA smiled. Arnold grinned at her. "Phoebe hasn't stalked anyone for… at least a week."

"She doesn't need to," Ralphie said slyly. "Besides, I'm following _her _around."

"When will you be back?" I asked Keesha.

"Is that a question or a sly way of telling me to find another place to sleep tonight?" Keesha retorted.

"You know what? It's not my fault if Spartacus pees all over your new boots…" I began.

"Fine, I'll be back in a couple hours." Keesha sighed. "Don't have too much fun."

We walked home, since it wasn't too far and parking on campus was a mess.

"Are you and Keesha going to renew your lease?" Ralphie asked.

"I think so. I don't know why not." I replied.

"It must be nice not having to worry about housing," he mused. "I don't know if I'm going to live in the house again next year. There's only so much testosterone you can take."

"I can imagine." I said.

"I might talk to Tim or Arnold or someone." He shrugged. "We'll see – I don't really want to think about it right now. Hang on," he reached into his pocket for his phone. "Hi Mom. What? …" He stopped walking and stood still. His face fell. "I can come now… no, I want to be there. Don't leave without me."

"What is it?" I asked, worried.

"Rosie is really doing bad." He managed. "I have to go over there – Mom is taking her to the emergency vet." He started running toward my house, where he'd parked. I had a feeling where this was going.

"I'll go with, if you want." I offered, running after him. I had seen Rosie – his 130 pound Saint Bernard – when I'd gone to dinner at his house a month ago, and she had looked okay. She was very old, but healthy up until this point. We jumped in Ralphie's car and he sped to his mom's house. Normally I would have said something, but Rosie was almost eleven, which is above the life expectancy of a Saint. Neither of us said anything.

"Help me get her in the car," Dr. Tennelli said, standing on the front porch. Ralphie and I ran inside, where Rosie was laying on the couch (she usually was). She wagged her tail weakly at seeing Ralphie, who immediately began talking to her. "I think her kidneys are going."

Ralphie lifted Rosie up carefully and put her in the car. "I'll drive, Mom." He said. Dr. Tennelli had just bought a new car.

"I can drive," I offered. "You can sit in the back with Rosie." Ralphie didn't argue, just sat in the back. I drove to the clinic quickly, finding myself speeding more than usual. It was justified as I had a sick dog on my hands. We were quickly admitted.

"Honestly," Dr. Bingham, the vet, began. "The best thing you can do for her is make her comfortable. She doesn't have very long."

"How long?" Ralphie asked quickly. I took his hand and he squeezed mine, bracing himself for the news.

"There's no real way to know, but I doubt longer than a week." Dr. Bingham said. "There's nothing we can do, besides putting her to sleep."

Dr. Tennelli looked at Ralphie. "What do you think?" She asked. Ralphie looked at Rosie on the table and scratched her head. She wagged her tail feebly.

Ralphie nodded, then managed to say, "I think that's best for her." Dr. Bingham went to get the injection. "You're a good girl, Rosie." I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I wiped it away. Dr. Tennelli handed me a tissue from a package she'd brought in her purse, and kept one out for herself.

"Don't worry, it won't hurt. She'll just feel a little pinch." Dr. Bingham said calmly. Ralphie gritted his teeth and looked Rosie in the eye. He kept scratching behind her ears until after her body went limp. "She's gone."

Ralphie and I left the room, leaving Dr. Tennelli to discuss plans for Rosie's body. He sat down in the waiting room and bent down, resting his forehead on his hands. "I know she's in a better place and everything." He was choked up. "Do you think I could stay at your place tonight? I want to be around the fuzz ball."

"Of course." I replied, putting my arm around him. "Whatever will help you feel better." Dr. Tennelli came out of the room and Ralphie hugged her.

"She was such a good dog," she said. "I hate to see her go."

"Me too." Ralphie managed. "Is it okay if we just drop you off at home?"

"Sure." Dr. Tennelli let go. "You've got to bring your puppy over one of these times. That house will get lonely."

**April 14, 2005  
9:51 p.m.  
The Flat  
Walkerville, CA**

I'd never seen Ralphie so happy to see Spartacus. We'd been training him not to jump, but he fed on Ralphie's excitement and nearly knocked me over. He weighed nearly 70 pounds at this point. While Ralphie played with and petted the dog, I did a quick check through the house to make sure nothing was destroyed. I sat on the floor in the living room, next to Ralphie.

"How are you doing?" I asked tentatively.

"I'm okay," Ralphie looked slightly pathetic. "Not exactly my idea of a wild time with you."

"I know." I hugged him. "Sometimes life gets in the way, though."

"Thanks for coming with." He smiled weakly. "It means a lot to me."

"I figured you wouldn't want to drive and I didn't know how your mom felt about putting a dog in her new car." I explained.

"Well, thanks." He kissed me a bit harder than I expected, and we toppled onto the floor, where we were attacked by Spartacus, who figured he could get both of us at the same time.

"Not in the face!" I ducked, trying to hide from his huge pink tongue. I could hear him panting in my ear.

"Get off her," Ralphie laughed, then said, "no, not in my face! In your crate, come on." (I have no idea how Ralphie found a crate big enough for a full-grown Newf, but he did.)

"Why are you crating him?" I asked. He gave me a look. "Oh."

"Phoebe," Ralphie started, turning around.

"What?" I asked after he didn't say anything.

"Race you to your room," he took off running and, for the second time that night, I ran after him. I squeezed past him in the doorway and jumped on my bed.

"I win." I smirked. He grabbed me and pulled me into a laying position.

"Thanks again," he said. "I'm trying to keep from getting too down, and you're awesome at helping."

"Thanks." I grinned. It was odd for us to go from talking about poor Rosie to making out, but we did. After all, we did talk about how my dogs died before Carlos and Wanda's wedding. I ran my tongue along his teeth and found the metal retainer on his bottom teeth, something I did habitually. I stayed away from the roof of his mouth, because it tickled and he'd accidentally bit me the only time I'd tried it. He pulled me into a sitting position and pulled my campus recycling t-shirt over my head. We pulled apart for a second and after he tossed my shirt on the floor, he pulled off his own t-shirt – a red Walker State one – and threw it on the ground. I sighed. The trips to the gym obviously paid off. I pulled him back onto me and we continued kissing.

"Shoes," Ralphie said, exasperated. He sat up, slid out of his shoes and pulled off his socks. I grabbed a belt loop on his jeans.

"While you're up," I smiled, reaching for the button of his jeans. "I mean, if you're up for it."

"I'm always up for it." He winked and pulled me closer, then pressed me down onto the bed as I pulled off his pants. Mine followed, then my bra, and then, at last, our underwear. We never talked, so I was surprised when Ralphie took a breath to speak. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked directly and sincerely at me without saying anything. I put my arms around him, slowly caressing his bare back with my hands. I lifted my head up to kiss him, and he kissed me quickly.

"What?" I said. This was an awkward time to pause. He smiled and I did the same.

"You're going to laugh at me because it'll sound cheesy." Ralphie blushed a little.

"And you're going to laugh at me because I'm going to fall down some stairs." I replied. "So?"

"You're going to fall UP stairs." Ralphie corrected.

"You're still going to laugh." I smiled.

"Yeah," he grinned. "Anyway." He paused.

"Anyway…" I prompted. I was a lot less patient when I was this aroused, and Ralphie could tell.

"I love you." He said. I felt warm all over and my heart pounded. I smiled stupidly. "And that's it."

"I love you too." I smiled. We kissed as he entered. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he sped up. We clung to each other as our hips slapped together, and soon I felt my toes curling in inevitable joy, and before I could say anything I started to shudder and gasp. He pumped faster, and I was about done when I heard someone gasp.

"OH MY GOD, THEY'RE DOING IT!" It was Keesha. I glanced over at her and noticed she wasn't alone. I wanted to die.

"GO AWAY," I didn't mean to scream, but I was having trouble controlling my voice. Spartacus ran in and started licking Ralphie, who squirmed and tried to get the dog off us.

"Shut the door!" Ralphie yelled.

"But it's funnier this way," Carlos whined before closing the door.

"I think I'm going to climb out the window and sleep in the yard." I said. I was incredibly flushed and embarrassed.

"Can I come too?" Ralphie asked.

"Sure." I hugged him. "I hope you feel better."

"Much." He kissed me quickly.

"Are you two done yet?" Wanda asked, pounding on the door. "Your dog is humping Carlos."

Ralphie rolled his eyes and pulled out slowly. I put my clothes back on and pulled my hair up. "I'm going to put this in the trash, I guess," he said quietly, letting the condom fall into the trash can. "I'll take it out for you."

"No, it's okay, I can do it." I argued. "You're sweet."

"Thanks – I meant what I said earlier." He said quietly. "I mean, when you were helping me and Mom out with Rosie and everything, I just knew."

"That sounds cheesy." I smiled.

"I knew it." Ralphie replied. "I love you," he said again. It made me feel just as excited as the last time. I kissed him.

"I love you – OW!" DA had flung open the door and it hit me in the head. Ralphie started laughing.

"I think I'm going to get a goose egg." I moaned. "I told you it would happen," I said to Ralphie, who was laughing uncontrollably.

"Sorry," he said, trying to stop laughing.

"This is Phoebe we're talking about," Tim called.

"She could be across the room and it would still hit her." Arnold added.

"That was classic!" Wanda laughed.

"Um, Arnold," Janet looked around uncomfortably, "As much as I'd love to see more of how pathetic your little friend Ralphie is, I think I'm going to go."

"Hey, sorry I'm late," Tim said, tucking a helmet under his arm. He was wearing a leather jacket.

"Did you get that motorcycle you were talking about?" DA asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, I figured I might as well." Tim smiled uncomfortably at her. He'd probably got the money from selling her engagement ring.

"That's badass!" Ralphie enthused.

"Yeah, you can't really see it now, but it's a yellow crotch rocket." Tim looked outside.

"You didn't tell me he has a motorcycle," Janet whispered to Arnold. I smirked. "That's so hot."

"Do you guys want drinks?" Keesha offered. "And by 'you guys' I mean everyone except Phoebe and Ralphie."

"Ha, ha." I said sarcastically.

"You losers aren't 21 yet?" Janet laughed and focused her attention on Tim.

"Did you invite her over?" I asked Keesha.

"No, Arnold did." She sighed. "Did you two have to wait to have sex until we were on our way?"

"Yes," I argued. "Ralphie's mom called him on the way home."

"Did he have to talk to her for an hour?" Keesha interrupted. "He can be such a mama's boy sometimes…"

"No, it wasn't that." I lowered my voice. "We had to take Rosie to the emergency vet and put her to sleep."

"And you guys came home and had SEX?" Keesha shrieked.

"He thought he'd want to be around the puppy," I explained quietly. "And then one thing led to another…"

"You know I'm just giving you a hard time."

"I have class tomorrow," I yawned. "And I'm tired."

"Gee, I wonder why." Keesha rolled her eyes. "Is your lover boy magically tired now too? Lock your door this time."

"Keesha." I said firmly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just a little bit disturbed."

"It's your fault – you told me it would work." I smiled a little.

"It was Wanda's idea." Keesha corrected.

"I did what now?" Wanda asked.

"You're the reason I have this image of mid-coital Phoebe burned in my retinas."

"That's neat." Wanda said and took a long drink of her margarita. "You can always have sex on her bed."

"NO." I said, trying to drown out Keesha's "YES."

"Fine, just don't have sex on me." I bargained.

"Deal." Keesha grinned.

"Goodnight, everyone." I called.

"I'll be there in a little bit." Ralphie said, kissing me on the cheek. "And I'm sure Spartacus will, too."

"You let that hairball on your bed?" Janet asked, disgusted. She didn't dare say too much more, though, as it might put Tim off.

"This hairball keeps me warm." I beamed, scratching Spartacus's head.


	13. So Done

_Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost  
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost_

from "Falling for the First Time," by Barenaked Ladies

**April 15, 2005  
11:52 a.m.  
Walker State Student Union  
Walker State University**

"And I told her that I'll go on a date with her if she's actually a decent human being to my friends," Tim said over pizza.

"And that's how you're going on a date with Janet ?" I asked, incredulous. "Of all the things I never thought would happen."

"Well I never thought I'd see you having sex." Carlos laughed.

"It was cute in an utterly disgusting way." Wanda added. She and Carlos were finishing each others' thoughts more frequently now.

"Kind of like you." Keesha beamed. "Is it right to hold sex over her head like that?"

"Who said we're having sex?" Tim asked.

"Dates with Janet involve sex." Ralphie warned. "Which may involve a lot of alcohol."

"I don't think she's that bad." Tim shrugged.

"She's nice once you get to know her." Arnold added.

"Unless you're me." I said.

"I don't think he'll have that problem." DA jumped in. "If you like her, I say go for it."

"It's a little hard to see past the bitchy exterior she's putting up," Tim confessed, "but I'm willing to give it a shot."

* * *

**April 15, 2005  
3:15 p.m.  
Walker State Student Union  
Walker State University**

After class, we met back up at the table in the union. Keesha liked to grab the school newspaper so she could see her name in print. I liked the crossword. Wanda used to like checking out guys, but had been remarkably faithful to Carlos since their fluke marriage in Vegas.

"How do you feel about this Janet pursuing Tim thing?" I asked DA casually.

"Pursuing?" DA raised her eyebrows. "She's hunting him – stalking him like a cheetah or something."

"She's relentless." Keesha conceded.

"Well how do you feel about it?" I pressed. Unfortunately, Wanda was the one studying psychology, and she had the least amount of tact of all of us. "I know you were sore at Wanda over Carlos,"

"I wasn't." DA interrupted. "I was just surprised that they didn't annul it."

"You should really take Arnold up on his offer." Keesha prodded. "He's a nice guy."

"Why should I?" DA looked away. "What does it matter to you anyhow?"

"We decided this as a group." Wanda replied, taking a bite of her candy bar. "He's perfect to rehabilitate you from Tim. It was a consensus." Granted, that consensus had involved Keesha whining a bit, but few consensuses came without compromise.

"So?" DA snapped. "It was Keesha's idea for me to get with Tim, and look how that turned out!"

"Maybe I got a bit too cocky about that," Keesha confessed, trying to calm DA down. "I know it must still upset you, but you have to let go."

"Easy for you to say." DA said, still bitter. "Don't even say anything, Phoebe." I shut my mouth and folded my arms. "You have no idea what I'm going through."

"Do you want us to help or not?" Wanda asked sternly.

"I don't need your help," DA retorted.

"Well, we're your friends and we can't just watch you make yourself miserable." Keesha added. I stood up and walked away. Arnold had caught my eye and I went to talk to him. I walked so the girls couldn't see me.

"Have you asked DA out yet?" I asked.

"Wait, what?" Arnold was disoriented.

"Sorry, I just saw you and thought I'd do some reconnaissance." I explained.

"I haven't, but I'm waiting for her to give me more signs that she won't just laugh at me." Arnold said.

"You know what would work? Talk to her. Help her get over all this crap with Tim." I suggested. "Then go for it, but only if you're okay just being her friend."

"Do I get sex out of this deal?" Arnold asked slyly.

"I'm not making a deal, I'm giving you suggestions." I sighed. "Try to keep it off my bed this time, okay?"

"I can't promise anything, but I'll try." Arnold smiled. "Hey, I've got to run to the GRANITE meeting – but I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay, bye." I waved, and went to sit back down.

"Where the hell did you run off to?" Wanda asked.

"Oh, I saw someone and wanted to say hi." I said. "I didn't want to sit here and be tempted to tell DA what she doesn't want to hear."

"Drop it," DA leaned her head back and inspected the ceiling. "I really don't want you guys trying to rehabilitate me or anything. I'll be fine on my own."

"Um, can I join you?" We turned to see Janet standing at the edge of our table.

"Pull up a chair!" Wanda smiled. I was silenced by fear. "If you aren't mean to Phoebe." Wanda added after a moment.

"Oh, right." Janet sat down awkwardly. "I just wanted to talk to you guys about Tim."

"Why?" DA asked suspiciously.

"I just wanted to know if you'd heard him talking about me or anything." Janet's vulnerability was unnerving. I didn't intend to speak unless and until I was directly and politely addressed.

"He thinks you're cool," Keesha said.

"Really?" Janet squealed. "I didn't realize he was the same guy that was friends with all of you, you know? And then after the concert when we met up, I could swear he was intrigued or something."

"He's definitely… intrigued." Keesha said slowly.

"How long has he had that crotch rocket? Can I ride it?" Janet blurted. "Seriously, he needs to take me somewhere cool where I can be seen with him on it."

"Are you using Tim?" DA asked, incredulous. "Are you using him to make you look cool? That's just low. I can't believe you."

"No!" Janet protested. "I'm not using him. If you were out with someone that awesome, hot, talented, and… and hot, wouldn't you want to make sure people see you?" DA grabbed her bag and stormed off. "What's her problem?"

"She and Tim were engaged." Wanda explained.

"She's not really over it yet." Keesha replied.

"Oh." Janet ushered in a long, awkward pause. "And he dumped her?"

"Yeah." Keesha said quickly. "But you'd better be actually genuinely interested in him."

"I am, can't you tell?" Janet almost whined. She looked at me and opened her mouth, presumably to say something about being seen with a loser, but didn't.

"I'm going to go – I have to let the dog out." I said quietly and picked up my bag. "See you ladies later."

"Why wasn't she saying anything to me?" I heard Janet ask as I walked away.

* * *

I put my key in the lock of the door and heard Spartacus barking. I opened the door to see Arnold quickly pulling his arms back and DA adjusting her shirt. "How did you get here so fast?" I cried. "How did you get in?" 

"We know where you keep the spare." DA confessed. "And I thought you'd still be at lunch for a while…"

"So this is where you ran off to?" I asked.

"What are you doing here?" Arnold asked.

"I live here!" I retorted. "I was just going to play with Spartacus for a while…"

"Outside?" DA asked, hopeful.

"You're not going to stay in here – in my house – while I take the dog outside!" I insisted. "Can't you guys go somewhere?"

"Arnold's too cheap for a hotel," DA said.

"And we can't go to her house – we're trying to keep this on the down-low." Arnold added. "No one was supposed to find out."

"You planned this?" I asked, still borderline furious.

"Well, yeah, we've been doing this since the Vegas trip…" DA bit her lip.

"IN MY HOUSE?" I yelled.

"Maybe…" Arnold looked away.

"You should have asked!" I insisted. I grabbed Spartacus's leash and fastened it to his collar before letting him out of the crate. The force of him rushing out to say hello to everyone nearly pulled me over. "Whoa!" I commanded, and he calmed down a little. "Please don't hang around when I'm not here. That's creepy." I shoved my keys in my pocket, dropped my backpack, and shut the door behind me. I walked quickly, stopping when Spartacus started to pull. He was a very well-behaved dog. I noticed I was walking over to Ralphie's house, and I didn't stop myself. Instead, I fished my phone out of my pocket and called him. "Ralphie, you won't believe what happened."

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Where are you? Do you want me to come over?"

"I'm about two blocks from your house, so don't bother." I smiled. "I went home to get Spartacus and you'll never guess who was making out on the couch."

"Keesha and Tim?" Ralphie guessed.

"No, Arnold and DA." I corrected.

"They don't even live there!"

"I KNOW!" It was always a relief when someone validated what I was thinking. "And I was pissed, so I left. I can't believe I left them alone. They're probably having sex on my bed."

"Well, maybe." Ralphie thought aloud. "Maybe they had sex on Keesha's bed."

"I think Keesha sleeps on a twin to keep that from happening." I explained. "Damn her."

"Normally, I'd tell you that you should try that, too, but I won't." Ralphie said mischievously. "Do you want me to go help kick them out?"

"If you want." I sighed. "I just need the moral support."

"Okay, I'll be there in a second." He hung up. He didn't even know for sure where I was. I waited for him to call back and realize that, but he didn't. He ran up to me and Spartacus, who wagged his tail furiously and barked twice at Ralphie. "What are you barking at, fuzzy?" He knelt down and petted Spartacus on the head. "He likes me more than he likes you,"

"You wish." I retorted. "I'm the one he sleeps with."

"We sound like a soap opera." Ralphie laughed, standing up. After a quick greeting kiss, he said, "Let's go kick out some trespassers."

"They're probably gone by now," I handed Ralphie the leash and quickened my pace to catch up. "Not that I scared them off or anything, but … maybe I did, I don't know."

"Were their clothes on?" Ralphie asked.

"Yes, for the time being." I said. "DA was adjusting her shirt when I came in, so they weren't going to be on for much longer."

"Do you think they've done it?" he looked at me and nearly tripped over a crack in the sidewalk.

"Probably, because they've been alone in that house with my bed. You know how my bed is." I tried not to stumble on the same crack.

"Oh, I know." He raised his eyebrows at me suggestively. I hit him lightly on the arm.

"Stop it!" I cried.

"So, if they're not there, what do you want to do?" He continued in the same vein.

"Gee, I don't know, Ralphie, do you have any ideas?" I asked.

"I might have a couple." He winked. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

Arnold and DA had left by the time we got home, but Keesha had beaten us, much to Ralphie's dismay.

"Aw, you went out for an afternoon stroll with the baby!" Keesha cooed. "How is he, by the way?"

"Doing well, not pulling as much." I said proudly. "Arnold and DA were –"

"I know, I got here before they left." Keesha was calm.

"Aren't you surprised?" I asked.

"Not really." Keesha shrugged. "You're lucky you left the union when you did. Janet went on and on about Tim for an hour."

"No way," I sat down on the couch with her.

"Then Tim showed up,"

"Seriously?" I squealed.

"Why did I come over again?" Ralphie moaned.

"Sex," Keesha answered. "You probably came over for sex."

"Right." Ralphie rolled his eyes. "If I would've known this was a slumber party, I would've stayed at home."

"So what did she do?" I ignored Ralphie's exaggerated complaining. He sat next to me on the couch and held my hand while I talked to Keesha.

"She asked him out and he said yes." Keesha shrugged. "They're going to a movie or something tonight."

"Aren't you interested in how it goes?" I asked.

"Pheebs, you're stalking again." Ralphie warned playfully. "And how do you know you're not doing something else tonight?"

"Normally my plans are made in advance." I retorted.

"You guys are going to make me throw up," Keesha sighed. "Even when you aren't being cute, you're cute."

"We probably don't have to stalk them anyway." Ralphie started. "People come over here in droves as it is."

"DA and Arnold have been sneaking around since Vegas!" I said.

"That long?" Keesha's eyes widened. "So all this 'I'm not over Tim' crap was a lie?"

"More like an exaggeration, but yes!" I said. "Don't you feel betrayed?"

"I do!" Keesha exclaimed. "That bitch will pay!"

"I bet they've had sex on my bed." I continued.

"Who hasn't had sex on your bed?" Keesha retorted.

"You have?" I accused.

"Maybe once… with Carlos… but don't tell Wanda." Keesha confessed.

"I haven't with anyone but you," Ralphie jumped in. "I wanted to make sure I was covered."

"You could get away with murder." Keesha laughed. "Phoebe has cooked you hamburger. She never does that."

"HE LOOKS AT ME." I insisted, and Ralphie (being Ralphie) gave me one of his looks. "Like that! I can't say no to that look. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see if it would work." Ralphie grinned.

"What?"

"Looking at you."

"STOP IT!" I was frustrated. "I'm going to sit with my dog and watch TV." Keesha got up and got a drink, and Ralphie moved over so there was space between us for the dog. Spartacus loved watching TV. "Ralphie, is the remote over – DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT." He was doing puppy eyes for no apparent reason again. "Fine, we can watch Sportscenter, anything you want." I laid my head on Spartacus. Ralphie tapped my head with the remote.

"You can pick." He grinned. "I'm sorry, I just love teasing you."

"I know." I smiled and took the remote. "Just for that, you're not getting any today."

"What? I was being nice!" Ralphie insisted. I flipped through the channels. "What about tonight? Is tonight today?"

"Yep." I nodded.

"Then I'm going home." He didn't move.

"Fine then, I see where your priorities are."

"Maybe I'm just going to stay here and watch your precious SAHX get beaten."

"Making fun of Boston makes you lose another day…" I warned. "Besides, I still have the remote. Oh look, Carmen Sandiego!"

"You want to know what's funny?" Ralphie started. "Your mom used to look just like Carmen Sandiego when she wore that one hat of hers."

"Seriously? I never noticed." I laughed.

"And then she was never around for parent teacher conferences or anything…"

"She was working." I rationalized.

"I was so convinced that your mom was conducting heists." Ralphie said seriously. "I was afraid of making you mad in case I ended up tortured or something because your mom is a big crime boss."

I was laughing really hard. "My mom, Carmen Sandiego? That's the best thing I've heard in a long time!"

"How do you know she's not?" Ralphie raised his eyebrows.

"I've been with her to work," I replied. My mom was a botany professor.

"It's a cover-up." His eyes widened. "Your mom's a huge crook."

"Your mom married a mob boss," I retorted just as seriously.

"And dumped him for selling drugs," he continued, "but not before she became pregnant with his heir."

"And that's how you'll inherit the whole Northeast," I added.

"Unless your mom stops me first." He leaned in closer to kiss me, but Spartacus jumped off the couch, throwing his balance off and he landed on me. "It was an accident," he said into my ribs.

"I'm going to leave you two alone." Keesha said loudly. "Don't mess up my stuff."

We were about to start kissing when Ralphie's phone buzzed.

"Who the hell is texting me?" Ralphie asked, reaching into his pocket. He kept his phone on vibrate, which Carlos thought was to ensure "sexy times."

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Arnold." Ralphie said, confused. "Apparently he wants to come over – with DA."

"Tell him my bed is off-limits." I was surprised at how fast both Ralphie and Arnold could text.

"He says fine, they're coming over." He looked over at me. "Should we do it?"

"You're insane." I laughed. "Maybe after everyone leaves."

"That's no fun," There was a knock at the door. "I bet he texted me from the driveway, that little shit." I opened the door and Arnold and DA burst in.

"TIM AND JANET WERE HAVING SEX AND I COULD HEAR THEM." Arnold half-panted, half-yelled. "I needed to get out of there."

"I thought Tim was too hung up on DA," I wondered.

"Apparently he prefers Janet. And being really, really loud." Arnold shuddered.

"It's okay, sweetie, it's all over now." DA assured him.

"Were you and Tim ever that serious?" I asked.

"Not really, no. I think he just proposed because we'd been together so long." DA confessed. "But I'm not sure. He does sound really happy though. Really, REALLY happy."

"Don't remind me." Arnold covered his ears.

"I'm actually kind of glad you found us today," DA said to me. "I was getting sick of being so bitchy, but we didn't want everyone to talk about it or anything. We were going to make it look more normal."

"I was worried sick!" I sighed. "And then I come home and you guys are playing tonsil hockey – what am I supposed to think?"

"The look on your face was awesome." Arnold laughed. "I don't think I'll ever get over how awesome that was."

* * *

Our junior year in college wound up rather neatly that way. Unfortunately, Keesha hadn't found a man worthy of her affection just yet, but she was too plucky to give up so easily. We renewed our lease and started making summer plans just before finals week. The last year of college was going to be awesome.

* * *

**Thanks, everyone who reviewed and stuff. There will be more from me, I promise. I hope you enjoyed it!**


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